Change Is Good

I've been looking back on a lot of old pictures recently and it was weird because I hardly recognised myself. Not just because I looked different but because I was so different in my self as well.

I used to be the kind of girl that wanted things to happen but never actually took action. I was the kind of girl who walked around apologetically with my arms folded and a mind that thought "please no one notice me". The kind of girl who said she didn't want to fit in, but actually, deep down, she really did. I was that girl at school who was picked on at secondary school for my weight and my voice and how I liked to do things. I used to just ignore it and walk on by.
I didn't like myself that much, but I enjoyed life. All I used to want was to be wanted by a boy and be in a cute relationship for years and then grow up to be married.

It makes me smile very bittersweet-ly when I look back on these pictures. I smile happily when I think of the very little amount of issues I had back then, and also when I see all of the family together under one roof - all of us as happy as we can be. But then I also smile sadly because I realise that I'll never be able to go back, but then I kind of figure that even though those times won't come back, the memories will never leave. None of the issues I have in the present day can take away the fact that those times did happen and did exist.

The girl I am now is so much different, and in the past six months I have changed so much. I'm not even sure I know who that girl is from October 2012. I used to be so insecure, I used to hate change and I used to not know what I believed and what I didn't believe. 

Now, I'm the kind of girl who can't live without a little bit of change in my life. I love changing things around. I'm still insecure, but isn't everyone? I like myself a lot more now, and when people hate on me about something, I'm no where near as bothered as I used to be! I'm facing a lot of changes every single day, even if I don't notice it. Things change for every one every second. It may sound like a bad thing, but you should embrace change rather than seeing it as something terrifying. God will never give you a situation that you're not strong enough to handle, so even if you're having to make a huge change in your life that you don't particularly want to make - just remember that there's a bigger purpose. 

This is one thing I wish I knew back then.
One thing I also wish I'd to anyone who ever bullied me was the picture at the very top:
"I'm happy and I'm healthy and if you're hating on me or my weight then you obviously aren't."  - Demi Lovato

Lots of love,
Ellie
x x x 

Moving Forward

Today in church, it was the most moving few hours I've ever experienced. We were talking about worries and problems and overcoming them because God is powerful enough to do that. The youth leader did a little thing at the beginning where there was a giant blow up ball and 3 smaller ones. The smaller ones represented our problems, and the giant one represented God. He got a little boy to try and see the big ball even though the problems were in the way, and he couldn't. And then the little boy was asked to throw the little balls at the big one to try and move it; it didn't work. This was a very random representation of God and our problems. God is big enough to heal anything we struggle with and no matter what gets thrown at him, nothing is too big for him to handle.

The rest of the morning was very emotional because God was giving messages to me and a few others in the Youth group through the adults in the room. We prayed with the adults and I really felt uplifted. I felt like I should talk about my main issue in life, and from now on I'm giving it to God and not letting it beat me. 

I won't go in to the details of what's happened in the past few years/months. But a huge part of what's been going on is my M.E (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). For anyone who doesn't know what it is (most people don't - it's not well known), it's an illness I, and thousands of other people have. Long story short, it makes sufferers extremely exhausted. I don't just mean "oh, it's been a long week, I'm so exhausted *3 days later* yeah let's go partying!" - it's so much more than that. Just by doing 20 minutes of dancing, severe sufferers (like me) can be in bed for weeks, paralysed by this illness. I know what you're thinking - 'surely you can just sleep and you'll feel better' I wish that was true, but no. No amount of sleep makes sufferers feel any better. It makes you ache as if your limbs are about to fall off; it makes you weak - so weak that you can't even make your own breakfast without fainting; it makes you feel sick; it gives you severe insomnia; some victims get "brain fuzziness" - where you actually can't concentrate to save your life; it takes away your appetite.
I have been in bed for weeks at a time after doing just one day at school. I struggled with my weight because I was unable to dance anymore (that led to more complications later). I struggled to even talk to someone on the phone for 10 minutes without collapsing afterwards. Even typing this now, my arms are aching and my body feels like it's just been hugged by the world's strongest man. 
)Other symptoms are here - http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Chronic-fatigue-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx.

And to make it even worse, half of the people I've met either don't believe that this illness exists, or they purely just don't believe that I have it. They think I'm faking; that I pretend to have this illness just to get off school. And that's what bugs me (and probably the 250,000 other people in England that suffer with it) - no one understanding what it's like. 
Imagine being so tired. So tired that you can't actually stand up without falling back down again. So tired that you can't even manage going to a half-hour dance class on a Monday evening. So exhausted that you can't pick up the TV remote to change the channel. It's not fun... not the good life. 
      I don't get to see my friends on weekends because I'm most of the time too tired. I don't get to see my friends in the week after school without being accused of faking, once again. I used to do 4 dance classes a week when I was younger, and now I barely manage one half-an-hour class - and dancing is everything to me. I sometimes can't play the piano because I'm too tired to lift my arms up. Sometimes I can't go for a 10 minute walk without worrying about having to be in bed for a week.

This is what it's like living with M.E... and I wanted to write this for people to understand what it's like. It's not fake. It's not made up. It's not all in my head. It's debilitating. It's lonely. It's frustrating. There's no cure... no one has thought of one yet. 

One of the images someone got at church today before spreading God's word was someone swimming in Tar - they keep going and going but not getting anywhere. God wanted me to know that one day he'll turn it to water. It made me realise that God will heal me. He has a greater plan for me. Something good will come of this; I don't know what, but it will. And I can't wait. But for now, I just have to keep on swimming.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're not a believer of God, but I hope you do grow to follow Jesus because he is worthy.

My Wonderful Mum

This is my mum (and me, of course.) Isn't she gorgeous? 

Now you see, my mum doesn't think she's gorgeous; but I know for a fact that everyone around her sees her as one of the most beautiful people on the earth - inside and out. I don't see why she doesn't see that she's beautiful, but I think she is, even when she does wear the clothes that I don't particularly like. My mum is always beautiful to me, and here's why...

Mum is a chef. 
She makes the most amazing meals, even catering for my fussy, healthy vegetarian diet that I'm seriously particular about. Everyone knows her for her famous Lemon Curd, Marmalade, Risottos, Slow-Cooker meals, soups, baking, and pretty much everything else you could think of making. Mum has taught me how to cook, and she has brought me up around one of my main loves in life - baking. I love to bake, and it's all thanks to my mummy... she taught me everything I know! 

Mum is a chauffeur.
Mum drives me everywhere, even when it's very, very inconvenient. I have a funny feeling that she'd drive me 100 miles away if I really needed to go and see someone. I love that about my mum. She'd do something as crazy and small as that, and only she would know how much it means to me. 

Mum is a counselor. 
Mum comforts me when I'm sad or crying, even if it's over the stupidest things; even if it's over a plug not fitting in to an extension cable with another plug in there (this actually happened, and yes, I'm not proud of it). She listens when I need to be listened to, and she responds when I'm looking for a response. She advises when advice is needed, and stays silent, still comforting me, when it is not. 

Mum is a nurse.
Even though my mum is squeamish and doesn't like the sight of blood or sick or anything gross, when it comes to her own children, she couldn't care less about the gruesome stuff. All she cares about is the health and happiness of her children; so much so that she always puts us before herself - even when I beg her not to! When I'm sick, she holds my hair back and comforts me, not scared at all of catching the bug. When I'm bedridden because of my M.E., she brings me everything I need without any complaints at all. No one could ever know how much that means to me, and words couldn't express it, either. It must be so frustrating to have to respond to a bell (not because I'm bossy, because I lose my voice and can't shout) and bring me the slightest thing, like an extra cushion or even some lip balm. 
      
When I'm angry and frustrated because I'm stuck in bed because of my M.E., she tells me to not worry about tiring myself out and to do things I love anyway, because it keeps me sane. Her love and encouragement is the best medicine, and without it I think my M.E. would have taken over me by now. 

But as well as all these things, mum is my best friend.

She laughs with me when something's hilarious or when either of us do something stupid. She comforts me when I'm upset. She tells me I'm beautiful when my self-esteem comes crashing down. She prays with me when I'm too tired to do it on my own, and always knows exactly what I want to say. 
My mum knows exactly what to do, what to say, and how to think in pretty much every situation. 

      I know that mum wishes she could wave a magic wand and cure me of my illnesses and make me happy and better again, but the thing she doesn't realise is that just being her is waving a magic wand in itself. I know she wishes she could make all my dreams come true and help me with everything, but sometimes she can't, and I understand that. The thing that makes my mum my mum, is all of the little things she does. 
I know she can't wave a magic wand. I know she can't fix everything. I know she doesn't think the same as I do all the time. I know she can't stop me from crying about little things. But none of that matters! My mum's love is everything I need in life, and I hate the thought of ever losing her. 

So, mum, if you're reading this... when I say "I love you" to you, the meaning behind it is all of the text you just read. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for being my driver, thank you for cooking so awesomely, thank you for helping me when I'm ill. Thank you for being you, and I hope you never let anyone tell you you're a bad person or even a bad mum, because... you're not. You're the perfect mum. 

"The only thing better than having you as my mum, is my children having you as their nanny." 

I love you mummy! I'm not afraid to admit that, and I never will be.

Above The Clouds

When you look up at the sky, the clouds look like they go on forever and ever, until you reach space. It looks like there's nothing above them but grey/white sheets of the stuff. 
But it's until you go flying that you think this; because when you fly, the aeroplane travels right above the clouds, and it's not until you take off on a cloudy day and go through them, then suddenly come out in to this beautiful blue sky, that you realise it. 

My dad's a pilot. He flies light aircraft, and I absolutely love going flying with him. However, I hate flying in those big aircraft that take you long distances. I don't know why, I just do. I hate the take off, I hate being in the sky, and I hate the descent. When we flew up to Scotland, I was really scared as we took off, especially because we were in cloud. It took us a few minutes, but after a short time of being immersed in grey moisture, we suddenly popped out of the cloud, and the view had suddenly gone from being miserable and ugly to being breathtaking. The sky was blue and the fluffy clouds were way below us. All you could see for miles was a floor of white cotton-looking stuff, bright blue skies and the blazing sunshine on the right of the plane. It took away all my fears of flying, because I was so distracted by this amazing, un-ending, incredible view that was stretched out in front of me. 

The whole reason I'm describing this to you is because it made me think (as most things do, to be honest). It made me realise that above the clouds, there's always sunshine. When you're going through a hard time, always remember that. I think that's why God put me on that flight on that miserable, cloudy and grim day, and made me so relaxed up there. He put me there so I could realise that although I'll face troubles, and they'll sometimes seem never-ending... there's always an end to the pain and the hurting; because above the clouds, there's always blue skies and sunshine. 

This reminds me of the song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. (If you haven't heard it, I'll post it at the end). It's one of my favourite worship songs, because it gives me faith when I don't have much left; when it's running dry. My favourite part of this song is this-

"I can see a light that is coming, 

for the heart that holds on, 

and there will be an end to these troubles, 

but until that day comes, 

still I will praise you, 

still I will praise you..." 

...And this just reminds me in my darkest hours that God never lets go. He really, really doesn't. There will be an end to these troubles. God knows when that day is, even if I can't see it yet. 

So, what I'm trying to say is, don't lose faith and always remember that above the clouds, there is sunshine. I promise you that. Even when everything seems like it's tumbling down; when things seem like they'll never get better; when everything seems at it's worst; when nothing ever goes right...

You can't have a beautiful rainbow without a little rain.

Until next time, 

Ellie x x x x  

10 things I hate about you

"I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, 
I hate it when you stare.
 
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme. 

I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry. 

I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all."

You must have seen this movie, right? Well, if you haven't... it's the best movie in the world. Or, one of the best. It's quite old - 1999 - but just... incredible. It's called "10 Things I Hate About You", and this is the poem that the girl reads at the end. 
          Ever since I first saw the movie, this poem has just hit me right in the heart. I think it's so clever, and it made me realise something. 

You can hate a million things about a person, but no matter how much you may want to, you could never actually hate them. You know what that's called? - That's called love. Family, for example. We all hate the way our dads sit and watch football when we want to watch Dancing on Ice or Glee, or the way they can't cook to save their lives (I'm not saying every man does either of these things, so please don't sue me). We all probably hate the way our siblings tease us, and tell tales on us to our parents when we do something wrong - even when sometimes it's them that's done the naughty thing. But at the end of the day, you hate the things about them, but you don't hate them. You can't hate them. 

I think when you hate things about someone, but would do anything for them despite all of it, then it must be love. It could be any type of love, but it's definitely love. Just remember that the next time you go to tell someone that you hate them, because "hate" is a very strong word; and besides, you probably don't even mean it that you hate them. You probably just hate something that they do... but not the actual person. 

Do you see what I'm trying to say?

Sorry it's kinda confusing today... I've been ill for the past few days. 
Until next time, 
Ellie x x x