Never Alone

The other day, I was sat watching a TV show where every one seemed so much younger than they are now. I looked at when it came out, and it said 2010.
      Can you believe 2010 was three years ago!? I really can't. I said to my mum today that four years ago today I started secondary school.

Back then, I had no idea how fast time was going to go and I had no idea of the things I'd have to face in the years to come. I remember, so clearly, waking up and feeling nervous but also so excited. I put on my uniform, pulled my hair right back and mum and dad took pictures of me because it was my first day. I'd packed my bag the night before and everything was ready. I remember it was picture day - yes, on my very first day! - and it was so embarrassing posing for photos around all these mysterious people that I'd never met before.

I have written quite a few blog posts on looking back on the past, talking about how much things have changed. But right now, I want to talk about the future (which, now that I think about it, I blog quite a lot about, too...).

In three days, I'm going in to my last year of secondary school. Year 11.
      I was out for coffee with my mum and some friends last week, and they asked me what year I was going in to. I'd never said it out loud before, and when I said "year 11", it really hit me that... yeah, this is my last year. Year 11. I never thought I'd be here so soon... and I definitely didn't imagine it being this way!
      I then realised that my future is fast approaching. I only have 9 months left of school before my next summer holidays - and then what do I do? Normal teenagers ("normal" being people without illnesses such as M.E.) can plan ahead, look in to colleges, think about taking A-levels, etc. Yes, I know that even if you're not ill you still can't plan exactly for the future. But I have no idea what my health will be like this time next year. Absolutely no idea whatsoever.
      I could get even worse (I'm praying SO hard for this not to happen), I could get 100% better, or I could just stay the same. The ideal situation would be that I will be recovered by then, so I can go on and do whatever I want to. 

The thought of this upcoming year terrifies me. To be honest, I think it terrifies everybody. There's always the thought of "will I pass?" "will I get the right grades?" "what do I want to do?" etc, etc. But then I realised that I walk by faith now. I trust God in everything I do, and I know that He will guide me down the right path. If I don't get the right grade? - it must be part of God's plan. If I don't get better? - yes, it's frustrating; but still a part of God's plan. 

"You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way"

I'll stop searching for the answers; I'll let God lead me to them. 

I'll stop praying for an escape; I'll march through life with God by my side, through anything and everything. 

I'll trust God with where I am, even if I hate where I am and feel like there won't be an end. 

I'll believe that God will have his way... and his way will be awesome. 

So yeah, this year is terrifying me. A lot. 

      But then I realised that nothing can be that scary as long as I walk by faith. 

      He promised us that he'd never leave us alone, not that life would be easy. At first, that made me feel kind of frustrated and annoyed - understandably, really. Because, occasionally, we all wish that life would be easy sometimes. But even when life gets so hard, and I know it will in this upcoming school year, I won't be afraid. 

I'll trust You, God, with where I am...

God, just have your way.