Moving Forward

Today in church, it was the most moving few hours I've ever experienced. We were talking about worries and problems and overcoming them because God is powerful enough to do that. The youth leader did a little thing at the beginning where there was a giant blow up ball and 3 smaller ones. The smaller ones represented our problems, and the giant one represented God. He got a little boy to try and see the big ball even though the problems were in the way, and he couldn't. And then the little boy was asked to throw the little balls at the big one to try and move it; it didn't work. This was a very random representation of God and our problems. God is big enough to heal anything we struggle with and no matter what gets thrown at him, nothing is too big for him to handle.

The rest of the morning was very emotional because God was giving messages to me and a few others in the Youth group through the adults in the room. We prayed with the adults and I really felt uplifted. I felt like I should talk about my main issue in life, and from now on I'm giving it to God and not letting it beat me. 

I won't go in to the details of what's happened in the past few years/months. But a huge part of what's been going on is my M.E (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). For anyone who doesn't know what it is (most people don't - it's not well known), it's an illness I, and thousands of other people have. Long story short, it makes sufferers extremely exhausted. I don't just mean "oh, it's been a long week, I'm so exhausted *3 days later* yeah let's go partying!" - it's so much more than that. Just by doing 20 minutes of dancing, severe sufferers (like me) can be in bed for weeks, paralysed by this illness. I know what you're thinking - 'surely you can just sleep and you'll feel better' I wish that was true, but no. No amount of sleep makes sufferers feel any better. It makes you ache as if your limbs are about to fall off; it makes you weak - so weak that you can't even make your own breakfast without fainting; it makes you feel sick; it gives you severe insomnia; some victims get "brain fuzziness" - where you actually can't concentrate to save your life; it takes away your appetite.
I have been in bed for weeks at a time after doing just one day at school. I struggled with my weight because I was unable to dance anymore (that led to more complications later). I struggled to even talk to someone on the phone for 10 minutes without collapsing afterwards. Even typing this now, my arms are aching and my body feels like it's just been hugged by the world's strongest man. 
)Other symptoms are here - http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Chronic-fatigue-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx.

And to make it even worse, half of the people I've met either don't believe that this illness exists, or they purely just don't believe that I have it. They think I'm faking; that I pretend to have this illness just to get off school. And that's what bugs me (and probably the 250,000 other people in England that suffer with it) - no one understanding what it's like. 
Imagine being so tired. So tired that you can't actually stand up without falling back down again. So tired that you can't even manage going to a half-hour dance class on a Monday evening. So exhausted that you can't pick up the TV remote to change the channel. It's not fun... not the good life. 
      I don't get to see my friends on weekends because I'm most of the time too tired. I don't get to see my friends in the week after school without being accused of faking, once again. I used to do 4 dance classes a week when I was younger, and now I barely manage one half-an-hour class - and dancing is everything to me. I sometimes can't play the piano because I'm too tired to lift my arms up. Sometimes I can't go for a 10 minute walk without worrying about having to be in bed for a week.

This is what it's like living with M.E... and I wanted to write this for people to understand what it's like. It's not fake. It's not made up. It's not all in my head. It's debilitating. It's lonely. It's frustrating. There's no cure... no one has thought of one yet. 

One of the images someone got at church today before spreading God's word was someone swimming in Tar - they keep going and going but not getting anywhere. God wanted me to know that one day he'll turn it to water. It made me realise that God will heal me. He has a greater plan for me. Something good will come of this; I don't know what, but it will. And I can't wait. But for now, I just have to keep on swimming.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're not a believer of God, but I hope you do grow to follow Jesus because he is worthy.