Trust Him

I feel like sometimes we're begging God to change a situation and wondering why He isn't doing so. I know this more than anyone; I know that it can feel like God is just ignoring you and refusing to answer you. Sometimes I've felt almost abandoned, because in the bible it says "ask and you shall receive"; so I ask, but then God seems to ignore me. And then I start to get frustrated and confused and it's really not great at all.

But something I've truly come to realise is the fact that God is always in control. That fact has been going through my mind like crazy these past few weeks, and that's because God knows I need reminding of it every single minute of every single day, especially at the moment.

I was praying the other night and just wondering why everything seems to be going wrong. We've been praying/prayed for more than ever over these past few months and nothing seems to be changing. 
But then God just said to me, "I'm not changing this situation yet because you still have things to learn. I'm in control." And I was sitting there like, "God, I've learned everything now, I don't think I can learn much more"... but obviously God knows better than I do, so I'm just running with that. I trust him now more than ever, which is ironic because the enemy is truly trying to get in and ruin us, but all that it's doing is getting me closer to Jesus. And I love that. And over these past few weeks, I've been filled with more joy than I ever thought possible - and that's in the midst of a really horrible storm!!

2 Corinthians 5:7:
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

This verse has a new meaning for me now. 
I've finally learned that when I'm feeling out of control, I don't need to turn to other things to keep me feeling in control. All I need to do is turn to God and trust that He has everything under control. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to know to let go and trust Him. You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'm serious - trust Him. He might not be changing your situation now, when you feel you're ready, but just remember that through everything, God has perfect timing. He truly, truly does.
      In my head, I feel like I've learned everything I need to know and that I'm close enough to Jesus for my struggle to be over now, but in my heart I know that God still has things to teach me, and that's OK. I've learned to trust that that's OK.   
      If he's not changing your circumstances, trust that there's still things for you to learn; maybe He's trying to bring you even closer to Him. Don't lose heart in the fact that things are still difficult; take joy in the fact that Jesus is bigger than any struggle, and He is so, so amazing. He can break every chain, heal any disease or scar. Nothing is impossible when it comes to Jesus. (I love to claim that. A lot.)

So basically, the theme of this blog post is trust. I had no idea where I was taking this blog, but God seems to have my fingers moving like crazy on the keyboard right now!  
      Trust is a really hard thing for me;  but if I'm going to trust someone, it might as well be the God who is in control always and forever, and the God who loves us all so much. 

"Praise Him when your heart is breaking, 
when your strength is almost gone
Sing out your song
And praise Him, in the fire and fury
in the dark night of your soul
Your God is in control."    

Listen to this song if you're feeling even slightly discouraged. I promise it'll be worth it! 

Love always ♥♥♥ 

PS. Sorry I've been pretty much M.I.A for months, but like I said it's been pretty crazy over here.  

Come, Give me Wings

"I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands
 
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me"

This week/past few weeks have really quite horrible to me. I've had a cold for a week, and my M.E. just took a seriously big blow at me and now I'm on the sofa not moving or talking. It's so discouraging when this happens, and it's really hard to keep my faith. Really, really, really hard. I think this has been the hardest few weeks of my life. It sounds so over-exaggerated; I wish it was. 
It sometimes seems like no amount of praying, no amount of begging for my life and health back, is making a difference. I just want to get out and live, but most importantly, I want to make a difference in the world. That's all I want to do. I really don't know what else I'd do with my life, besides helping people. Especially seeing as it's Christmas time. The problem is,  I'm so ill at the moment, I can't do anything, let alone get out and make a difference. It's really disheartening and makes me feel so defeated. 

But, I'll continue to pray and I'll continue to fight. 

This song just says everything. I chose to post the acoustic version because I feel that it's a lot more raw, emotional and true. The lyrics are so beautiful, and give me shivers because I just want God to use me. I feel like I'm so ready to be doing something, even something small, to help someone or something. 
      Use me, Lord. Use me in my sleep, use me in my blog, use me in my music, use me in my dance, use me in my smile. Give me the health to help. I want to make a difference to someone's life. I want to let the broken know there's healing, once I've found it myself. I want to feed the hungry children. 
Take my dreams, come and give them wings. 

I beg the Lord every night that he will use me in some way one day. I'll continue to beg. I'll never give up, because it's what I want to do. 
I think this is the most honest blog I've ever written. I've shown how defeated I feel at the moment, and I've never really written that in my blog before. 
      But even though I feel defeated, at the lowest of lows, I'm going to keep going. I'm not a quitter anymore, I don't give up just like that. I'll keep going. I'll keep waiting for God to use me. 

I wish you all an amazing rest of the weekend, and hope it continues in to next week. Love all round xx   

Looking Back

On Saturday I performed at my Primary School's Country Fair. It was 25 degree heat and full of so much action. I met my best friend, Beth, who was with some of her friends from school and also one of our friends from primary school. It was always Beth, our other friend Carly and I at primary school. We were Triple-Trouble. 

It was the first time I'd been to that school in three years. 

As I was stood there, about to perform, it took me back to year 6 when I performed in the summer Fayre talent show back in 2009. 2009! I can't believe that's how long ago it was. I remember exactly how I was feeling that day because it was like a week before our last day, and the day after our last day we were headed off to Texas for two weeks. I was excited, nervous and sad all at the same time. 
      I wasn't nervous at all for performing back then, because these people at the school were my family and had seen me perform since I was tiny. But this time, I was so nervous, and I didn't realise why until I came home that day. I realised it was because so much had changed since I'd been there, and it all felt so different and almost unsettling to be there performing in front of people I only just recognised and barely knew anymore. 
      Even though I was nervous, as soon as I started singing I started getting comfortable. I spotted my God sister, Alice and her mum and dad sat there with huge smiles on their faces watching me. Then I noticed my friend and her friends watching me like they cared and then there was my mum and dad who just had that same "we love you" look on their faces they always do when I perform. I started settling in again, and it felt like I was back home. 
It was actually very emotional to be back there, performing, because everything had changed since the last time I sang there 4 whole years ago. It was all a whirlwind, but so nice to be back home where everything began and I started finding who I was.

Halfway through performing, 3 boys walked in, and I had to do a double take (which must have looked funny as I was singing!). It took me a few moments to realise who it was - three boys me and my two best friends used to be in a little "crew" with back in the year 6 days. They were so grown up, so tall and so different, but when we hung out together for a while afterwards I learned that they're still the same nice, crazy guys I knew back when I was 11. 

Looking back, I realise I was so different and so was everything at that school. But even though things have changed drastically, and we're all living our separate lives, I know that whenever we come back together or go back to the place we grew up, things just pick up where they left off. 
      I was talking to my God sister today and I was saying to her how my primary school years were the best years of my life so far. Its nice to know that I'll always have those memories to think back on to pick me up when I'm down. It's also nice to know that the people there, and the people who were there with me, will always be there to support me and welcome me back as if nothing changed.

Holiday

I'm currently sat in the far end of our caravan, watching Zeus try to find a place to lie comfortably and listening to the wind pound against the walls of the van. Dad just turned the car engine on as he is off to a military museum and Zeus is up at the windows wanting to go with him.
      There's something about caravanning that just brings us all together and makes us happy. I don't know if its the fresh air or the fact we all work together to make this small space work, but it just brings me a peace and happiness. 

We got here on Friday evening in 50-60mph gusting winds and tried endlessly to put the awning up. It was so hard and when we eventually got all the poles up and sturdy, the canvas started coming out of the rail that the awning threads through, and we realised that it had come apart and was broken. So after 2 more tries, we gave up and all got moody and upset because, having Zeus, we can't camp without the awning.
       But then after a silent meal and a few comments, dad knocked it all together and managed to fix it (luckily). We really thought we'd have to go home.

On Saturday, I did my first ever flying lesson, in practice for my charity flight. Scary or what!?
I kind of got the hang of it after a while but it was very challenging, but also worth it.

Then on Sunday, we went to this old disused military airfield and because it was quiet and not a real road, dad let me have a go at driving the car! I got so excited, because I kept flashing back to when I was 7 and I'd sit in the car on the driveway, pretending to drive with the indicators and wiggling the gear stick. And now, 8 years later, I actually drove it properly with the engine on and the car moving. It's amazing how time flies!

Anyway, sorry for the kind of boring blog post, but I felt I had to write about this weekend as it was so fab!

Love, 

Ellie xxxx

PS: I actually wrote this blog post on Sunday evening, so at the time I was in the caravan but we're home now!

Charity Flight!

So, this summer, I'm going to do something a lot more adventurous and exciting than my previous events for charity. My dad has a PPL (Private Pilot's License) and when I went to my parents saying I wanted to do something different to raise money for charity, he came up with the idea of getting sponsored to face both of my fears - flying over the ocean and flying a light aircraft with my own hands (and feet). Basically, as long as there's a licensed pilot in the aeroplane and lightly holding the controls, I'm allowed to fly the plane on my own, using all the pedals and buttons and what not on my own. And at the same time, I'm flying out all the way to Lundy Island off the North Devon coast. I know - scary, right!? I'm so terrified for it, even though I know if something goes wrong then dad will easily be able to fix it, but still... it's gonna be so scary.

The charity I'm raising money for is Cancer Research, because my beloved Grandma was unfairly taken by this illness in 2007, and I know they're getting so close to finding a cure. So as they say on all the adverts, "Cancer - I'm coming to get you!", because I am. I'm inviting along anyone who wants to come to the flying school with Dad and I to support me, although it is in Bodmin so I understand if you don't want to come. I'll be opening an online donations page so that if you're in a different county or country you can still donate. It would be seriously appreciated, because I really want to raise as much money as possible. 
      I'm hoping some family and friends will be able to come down with us, as there's a lovely little restaurant there and the people are so hospitable. I'm so excited, but as I said before, I'm also soooo nervous. I'll definitely be taking a lot of pictures, so if you can't come then you can live the magic with me through pictures. 

More details and news on this will come soon, because in the half term that's coming up in just a couple of weeks, dad and I are thinking of doing my first "lesson" on how to fly and work all the dials and controls (eek!). Of course, its weather dependent, but once I've done my first lesson I will probably open my online sponsorship page, and of course take pictures!

I just thought I'd write a blog to let all my friends, family and readers know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I'm hoping to get as many people as possible to donate/sponsor me, and even the smallest amount of money would be appreciated. 
      Thank you so much, and I really hope you can sponsor me to do this. Cancer is unfairly taking so many lives, and I'm sure we all agree that it's time to fight back. Cancer damages every one around us, and I know my Grandma is proud of me for doing this. 

Thank you.

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

That Place

So I have this place where nothing can touch me. Not pain, not heartache, not bullying... not even gravity. It's a place I dream of every day and a place I only really get glimpses of. This place is somewhere personal, but somewhere that reaches out to people close to me when they know I'm there - when they know I'm not letting anything hurt me or bother me. 

By now you're probably wondering where this place is. It's a place I feel I'm in when I dance. When I'm on stage, moving to a piece of music I've been practicing to for months. It's this amazing feeling that nothing is wrong, like nothing can hurt me. When I dance it takes everything bad away and just lets the good in. Getting lost in a dance is the best way to find myself.
      If I think about it when I'm dancing, I can feel my M.E. getting worse and the tiredness coming over me. If I think about it, I can feel my body starting to hurt and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. But none of that matters; instead of letting it hold me back, I allow it to push me further. Because if I continue dancing through the pain and through the tiredness, I feel proud of myself. None of the pain or hurting matters when I'm dancing. 

The reason I'm writing a blog about dancing and how it affects me is because I want to let people know about why I still dance even though I'm really not physically well enough to do it. Dancing is something that stops me from hurting inside even if it makes me hurt more on the outside. And the other day, my mum told me that it fills her with happiness and joy when she sees me dance. That made me more happy than you can ever imagine!

Have you got a passion that helps you through things, even if their may be drawbacks to doing so? I know that one of my best friends has HNPP (fairly similar to M.E.) and gets very achey joints which is terrible. But nothing helps her more than going out and doing some photography; even when she can't really walk, the mental benefits of it outweigh the physical downers.
      I think we all have that place where nothing can touch us, even if you haven't found it yet. For some people it's doing their job and for others its their hobby outside of working life. I think once you've found that place, you'll never be without something to fall back on, or something to help you think things through. 

What's your special place or thing you do when you need time to yourself? Let me know!

Lots of love, 
Ellie xxxxx