Always There

A long time ago I wrote a blog called "light". It was a blog about looking to God during hard times, and remembering to do so; and I just want to re-instate that now in this blog post.
      I can remember saying, "When things are looking down in life, the last thing we think of doing is looking up." 
      And a few days ago I was lying in bed just thinking about this sentence. I know a few people this may relate to, and I know how easy it is to go on and panic, despair or be scared in a situation and completely forget to look to God for help, security and reassurance. 
Sometimes, we search for reassurance from other things during hard times, like addictions, approval from other people, etc. I know this myself all too well, but I've learned to come through that and  have 'trained' myself, almost, to make God my first port of call in all situations. I'm not saying it's easy - I'm really not - but I'm saying it's worth it! 

The reason the old blog was called "light" was because there's a song by Britt Nicole called "Feel The Light", and it's about letting go and feeling the light. 
      I feel like someone reading this right now, whether it's on the day I post it or a year later, needs to be reminded to look to God. Let go of the bad stuff, let go of your past, let go of someone keeping you from moving on, let go of addictions - let go of all that and feel the light God is shining down for you. 
      It's really, really easy to forget about God in bad situations, and I know that sounds terrible but we all know it's true. I think sometimes, our initial reaction is to panic, start to think the worst or over-think too much. A while ago, if a bad situation arose, I wouldn't think of praying; I'd think of panicking and worrying and turning to other things. 
      But now God has taken over all of that and He is always in my thoughts.

It's easy to praise God, think of Him and thank Him in good situations; but it's really hard to praise Him, think of Him and thank Him in a hard situation. But it doesn't have to be that way for you anymore; it doesn't have to be so difficult to live. You don't have to life this life alone - He is always with you. Even when you don't know it, even when you're not thinking about it, He is there. Try to never forget that, and try to let it all go. 
      Leave it all behind and come to Jesus. Whatever is on your heart or on your mind right now, let it go, and feel the light. I don't know what you might be facing, but God does, and He's here; He's with you. 

Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (NLT)


Search for him in the darkest times, search for him and feel the light when everything is falling apart... find him on your knees. All it takes is one little bit of Jesus to bring hope where you are... he's coming straight for your heart, tonight, right now. Believe it and take hope because He is here. 

Psalm 31:24
Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
 Expect God to get here soon.


 

 Kari Jobe - Find You On My Knees

Britt Nicole - Straight For Your Heart

Trust Him

I feel like sometimes we're begging God to change a situation and wondering why He isn't doing so. I know this more than anyone; I know that it can feel like God is just ignoring you and refusing to answer you. Sometimes I've felt almost abandoned, because in the bible it says "ask and you shall receive"; so I ask, but then God seems to ignore me. And then I start to get frustrated and confused and it's really not great at all.

But something I've truly come to realise is the fact that God is always in control. That fact has been going through my mind like crazy these past few weeks, and that's because God knows I need reminding of it every single minute of every single day, especially at the moment.

I was praying the other night and just wondering why everything seems to be going wrong. We've been praying/prayed for more than ever over these past few months and nothing seems to be changing. 
But then God just said to me, "I'm not changing this situation yet because you still have things to learn. I'm in control." And I was sitting there like, "God, I've learned everything now, I don't think I can learn much more"... but obviously God knows better than I do, so I'm just running with that. I trust him now more than ever, which is ironic because the enemy is truly trying to get in and ruin us, but all that it's doing is getting me closer to Jesus. And I love that. And over these past few weeks, I've been filled with more joy than I ever thought possible - and that's in the midst of a really horrible storm!!

2 Corinthians 5:7:
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

This verse has a new meaning for me now. 
I've finally learned that when I'm feeling out of control, I don't need to turn to other things to keep me feeling in control. All I need to do is turn to God and trust that He has everything under control. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to know to let go and trust Him. You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'm serious - trust Him. He might not be changing your situation now, when you feel you're ready, but just remember that through everything, God has perfect timing. He truly, truly does.
      In my head, I feel like I've learned everything I need to know and that I'm close enough to Jesus for my struggle to be over now, but in my heart I know that God still has things to teach me, and that's OK. I've learned to trust that that's OK.   
      If he's not changing your circumstances, trust that there's still things for you to learn; maybe He's trying to bring you even closer to Him. Don't lose heart in the fact that things are still difficult; take joy in the fact that Jesus is bigger than any struggle, and He is so, so amazing. He can break every chain, heal any disease or scar. Nothing is impossible when it comes to Jesus. (I love to claim that. A lot.)

So basically, the theme of this blog post is trust. I had no idea where I was taking this blog, but God seems to have my fingers moving like crazy on the keyboard right now!  
      Trust is a really hard thing for me;  but if I'm going to trust someone, it might as well be the God who is in control always and forever, and the God who loves us all so much. 

"Praise Him when your heart is breaking, 
when your strength is almost gone
Sing out your song
And praise Him, in the fire and fury
in the dark night of your soul
Your God is in control."    

Listen to this song if you're feeling even slightly discouraged. I promise it'll be worth it! 

Love always ♥♥♥ 

PS. Sorry I've been pretty much M.I.A for months, but like I said it's been pretty crazy over here.  

From The First Tear Cried

I love the thought that I've never been alone. Even when I thought I was the most alone a person could get, I never have been. Even during my struggles with many illnesses, family stuff, self doubt - I've never been alone. God has always been there. When I felt so far away from him, actually, he was right there next to me, keeping my head above water; stopping me from going under. 

I think we all have moments, maybe even days, maybe even weeks where we feel alone. It's a natural thing. But one thing I, and a lot of other people in my life, know is that we are never alone. 

All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me.

This song kind of says it all, doesn't it? Everytime this song comes on, it reminds me God is always walking with me. I encourage you to listen to this song today and when you're feeling down or alone. He doesn't desert people, He won't forsake you. Every single moment, he's been there. 

Every single moment in my life has added up to who I am today. Being left out at school, being bullied, struggling with mental and physical illness, feeling inferior; they've all added up to create my story and create who I am. One day I hope to inspire with my story and music because I know what it feels to be left out from the crowd - I know how it feels to feel like everything is always going to be bad... but it won't be. It'll never always be bad and I want to share that with the world one day. 

There's a whole big life outside of school, outside of bullies, outside of illness, outside of pain. It won't last forever. We are made for more than hurting.

Open up your heart today and realise that God has always been with you, even though you felt so alone. Because, trust me, you're never alone when you choose to walk with Jesus. 

♥ 

Courageous

Ever since this year has begun and I've been praying for this to be my year, I've been so in touch with God. 
I was lying down the other day listening to some music, and previously to this I'd been having so many dreams about dance. In all of my dreams I've been a dance teacher/choreographer, teaching modern and Ballet; and also a singer at the same time.
When I was lying down, I suddenly remembered this dream I'd had the night before, and a song called "Brave" came on to my iPod. Then a song called "Courageous" and a song called "Look Like Love". These are all songs that I listen to when I need some hope, or when I want to relate to something. Suddenly God was just there, with me, talking to me through these songs like he always finds a way to do. 

Just as I was like, "Jesus, what is happening!?", the song "This'll Be My Year" by Train came on. God was actually saying to me, "Ellie, I got you this year. Apply for that college. Keep going - I'm not gonna let you fall. This is gonna be your year." I suddenly felt like I could do things this year, like I would be OK; like my M.E. will work with me if I just trust in God. 

Ever since then, I've been seeing all these pictures over social networks of ballet dancers, and quotes from my favourite Britt Nicole songs over the top, or just inspirational quotes that just add to what Jesus said to me that day.  He's telling me to be courageous, to follow my dreams and what I want to do this year. I'm gonna trust in Him - that He will not let me fall in to the pits of my M.E. unless it's absolutely needed. 


This year, I want to be on fire for God. I want to be used by him; I want to dance; I want to sing. I'm being called in to music and dance. I just know it. 
      I want to live this year, not just survive. I'm hoping and praying that God will give me the energy I need to do this. All my faith is on the line here, but I'm being courageous. I don't want to be afraid this year. I want to live. I want to be courageous. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than the fear." 
  
I think that, maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. Maybe this year will be better.

Watch this space.  

Be courageous today. Be brave today. Be yourself, and love yourself, and do what you love. Let's do this, together. Let's be brave. 

How will you be courageous?


Love to you all, 
Ellie x

This Time Last Year...

Seeing as I'm still not feeling well, I decided to do something different that didn't take too much energy. I went on to my (main) Twitter account and scrolled through right back to this time last year. 

I found a tweet from December 9th, 2012, saying "Thanks to my God sister for taking me to church today. Loved it!". Which means that, yesterday, it was a year ago I was rescued by the Lord. I was picked up, saved, rescued. I can remember standing there in the middle of the church, hearing hundreds of strangers sing and worship around me. My God sister, Alice, was raising her hands in worship and so was my mum. It all seemed alien to me, as it had been years since I'd been to a church and months since I'd last prayed. 
      I remember how I felt, getting ready for church that morning. I was broken and lost, tired and confused. Alice had stayed over the night before and we'd had a four hour catch up in the afternoon, because we were home alone. Alice and I hadn't spoken properly until I broke up with my boyfriend in the November of last year, and on this day - the 8th of December 2012 - we sat and talked, and talked, and talked. For hours. 
      I wasn't going to go to this new church the next morning, because I was too tired and scared of knocking myself out for the week ahead. But somehow Alice managed to convince me to go. 

So, there I was that morning, getting ready to walk in to the unknown. I remember sitting at my dressing table and straightening my hair, feeling nervous for some reason. I was sad from a break-up, tired with my M.E., and in a really bad, scary place. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. Mum and Alice told me that I looked nice, and then we set off.
The minute I walked in to this huge church, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there were. Alice new everyone, which made me want to be like her - grown up; a Girl of God. 
People worshiped, people preached and spoke everything I needed to hear. All of a sudden, I just had this desire to be like everyone around me - I wanted to worship with all my heart and soul... I wanted to believe what I was singing. Right then, in that moment at church, I was rescued. I didn't know it at the time, but I was saved. 

I'll always be thankful to Alice for taking me to that service. 

Here I am now, a year later, still not perfect. My M.E. may be worse this year, but my God is still with me, and I know that now. I have my days of doubt, I have bad thoughts, but I have a saviour and I've let him in, finally. It was the best decision I ever made, going to church that Sunday. I'm rescued, I'm saved. 
      It's such an awesome thought that just one morning at church changed my life. When I have a bad day, I pray now, instead of wallowing in sadness. When I feel exhausted, I trust in God. I don't think there's any words to explain how much happier I am now than I was this time last year. Even though the circumstances may be worse than they were last year... I'm still happier, somehow. I've always been a Christian, but now I'm a Girl of God, too. I've taken time to apologise for things I've done, and I've wiped the slate clean with the help of Jesus. I'm alive because Jesus lived. I'm here today because of the love of Jesus. 

"You're the God who sees, 
The God who rescued me."

How great his love for me? How do I explain how great it is to be rescued like I was a year ago? I can't believe it was a year ago. I really can't. 

 When I was younger, this song was just something that people sang in church. I only sang it, because that's what I knew. But now I sing it because God is so, so, so incredibly good. This song means something now. Everything means something now. 

I'm a warrior.

Come, Give me Wings

"I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands
 
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me"

This week/past few weeks have really quite horrible to me. I've had a cold for a week, and my M.E. just took a seriously big blow at me and now I'm on the sofa not moving or talking. It's so discouraging when this happens, and it's really hard to keep my faith. Really, really, really hard. I think this has been the hardest few weeks of my life. It sounds so over-exaggerated; I wish it was. 
It sometimes seems like no amount of praying, no amount of begging for my life and health back, is making a difference. I just want to get out and live, but most importantly, I want to make a difference in the world. That's all I want to do. I really don't know what else I'd do with my life, besides helping people. Especially seeing as it's Christmas time. The problem is,  I'm so ill at the moment, I can't do anything, let alone get out and make a difference. It's really disheartening and makes me feel so defeated. 

But, I'll continue to pray and I'll continue to fight. 

This song just says everything. I chose to post the acoustic version because I feel that it's a lot more raw, emotional and true. The lyrics are so beautiful, and give me shivers because I just want God to use me. I feel like I'm so ready to be doing something, even something small, to help someone or something. 
      Use me, Lord. Use me in my sleep, use me in my blog, use me in my music, use me in my dance, use me in my smile. Give me the health to help. I want to make a difference to someone's life. I want to let the broken know there's healing, once I've found it myself. I want to feed the hungry children. 
Take my dreams, come and give them wings. 

I beg the Lord every night that he will use me in some way one day. I'll continue to beg. I'll never give up, because it's what I want to do. 
I think this is the most honest blog I've ever written. I've shown how defeated I feel at the moment, and I've never really written that in my blog before. 
      But even though I feel defeated, at the lowest of lows, I'm going to keep going. I'm not a quitter anymore, I don't give up just like that. I'll keep going. I'll keep waiting for God to use me. 

I wish you all an amazing rest of the weekend, and hope it continues in to next week. Love all round xx   

Being Thankful and Patient...

This week I have been overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to share my passions and my love for God with the world. I've constantly been thinking "how can I help people?" "how can I be useful?", and asking God to give me the ideas and ways to do so. It's been really frustrating because I haven't been that well this week and it's been so annoying because all I want to do is get out and help people in every way I can. 

But when I went to church this morning, I asked, "how can I help people, God? I need to do this." And I just felt like He was saying to me, "Ellie, slow down - you don't need to do everything at once. You don't need to do it all yet; just be patient." 
      A few minutes later, the lady that was talking said, "this week, continue thinking how you can be gracious to people, how you can be gentle and show God's love to everyone you pass - in the streets, at work, at home, online...." etc. It really made me realise that helping people and spreading God's word doesn't always have to be big gestures and getting lots of people together. 
      It could be something as simple as holding a door open for someone. Something as simple as smiling to someone sitting on their own in the park, or saying hi to someone you haven't seen in a while. You never know what battles people are fighting, and sometimes a small smile can keep people going for a little longer. 

This past week I've been feeling like there's a timer for my opportunities, but now I realise that there really isn't, otherwise God would be giving me the tools to do it all! For now, I think I just have to wait, and do the little things while I'm waiting. I'll continue to send people random nice messages, smile at people, hold doors open for people, write blogs, share music. I hope that one day I can inspire and help people the way certain people have for me. 

On a different note, since yesterday I've just been feeling so thankful for all the blessings my family and friends have. 
      My parents and I went on a nice walk yesterday morning, and it was so beautiful. All the leaves were turning oranges, reds and golds and the sun was shining down on us. It was gorgeous, and I just remembered how incredible God's creations are. I think Autumn is one of His best creations, to be honest. Here are two pictures of the walk...

How beautiful are these trees!?!?
God is so amazing. So amazing. It was such a blessing to be on this walk yesterday because I got to see God's beauty and his amazing creations, which I rarely get to see because I'm often at home. 

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and our freedom. I'm so thankful for every beautiful thing that we are surrounded by. ♥♥

Music

So I've written a lot of blogs about dance and what it means to me, and I decided it was time to share the other one of my passions and what it means to me, too. I don't know why I've never written about it before, really... but I'm going to now. 

If you've read the "About Me" tab at the top of the blog, you'll know that my two main passions are dance and music. 
Music has always been a part of my life - just like dance - ever since the word go. My mum and dad sometimes talk about the first time I heard music: I was lying on the living room floor on my changing mat (I think I was a few months old), crying (as usual) at the top of my lungs, and I think everyone was pretty sick of it. So they decided they'd try putting some music on. 
      The speakers were just a metre or so away, and when the music started, I stopped crying. Completely. My head snapped around to look at the speakers, and for the first time in months I wasn't crying, I was focused on something that wasn't sleep, food or attention and something was working. I was absolutely, completely mesmerized with the sounds coming out of those old speakers. Music.

Ever since that day, it's been clear to mum and dad that music is a part of me. It's been clear to all of us that it's a part of me. My parents are both very musical, and so are my brothers, so it was really no surprise...

Whenever family came around, I'd put on concerts and shows and make them sit there and listen to me singing a million Hannah Montana and Hilary Duff songs in to a fake microphone, and I'd just love it when they started clapping at the end. I'd start saying "Thank you Devon!!!" and bow and everything. I made up dance routines, pulled all the stage poses and loved it. 

My big brother Dave taught me my first chords on the guitar, and then my other big brother Richard taught me my first few chords on the piano. I can remember sitting on his knee, my hands on top of his and he was helping me play piano. Ever since then, I've been writing songs and playing other songs pretty much every day. A lot of my songs were made fun of by my brothers, but hey... they were pretty bad, so who can blame them? 

Anyway, music has always been something that I turn to and something that speaks to me. It was when I started "growing up", when I was 11 or so, and seeing real feelings and real life situations that it became the reliever in my life. I've always loved just sitting or standing there, singing my heart out to a song that means everything to me. That moment when you hear a song for the first time and you just think, "wow... this just says it all"; I've had that moment so many times in my life.

God always speaks to me through music. 99% of the re-building of my faith has come from various songs and Christian artists. Whenever I'm down, having a bad day or really struggling, God brings me these songs and I just listen to the words. It's very much a way that God speaks to me - sometimes I find a lyric in a song that has never stuck out before, but all of a sudden, it's what I need to hear. 

There's nothing like listening to a piece of music and hearing the singer get in to it. There's a few songs where, in between lines, their breath shakes and their voice falls for a minute. This may not be technically precise, but that's not what music is about. Music is about expressing yourself, healing, telling stories. It's an escape. The moments in songs where a voice falls at the end of a line that says it all, the moments where their voice shakes and staggers - these are the most beautiful moments. These are the moments where you know you're not alone, you know there was someone else who felt the same as you. 
      Music is my hope and my safety. In a world that's always changing and always throwing curve-balls, music is always there, consistently. There will always be a song to sing to, to make you laugh, to make you cry. There's a song for everything you need, everything you're feeling. How beautiful is that?

One day, I hope to share my music with people. I hope to bring people hope and joy; I want my music to be the reason why someone has decided to stay, decided not to give up on their life and/or faith. I want to connect with people through the power of a melody and lyrics working so well together and relating to someone's situation. Music is my reason to stay, and I want to be a part of that for someone else. I hope to inspire people one day, with music. It's very powerful; it's the only thing that will always make sense to me. 

How The Lost Get Found...

This is a small GIF of a part of one of my favourite music videos. 


So I'm going back to Britt Nicole, who always seems to make an appearance in my blog posts... but can her music ever be boring!?

I first watched this music video after a few weeks of having discovered the song. Britt decided one day that she would go on a road trip, and she prayed to God that on this journey she would meet people who needed to be saved, blessed, prayed with. The video shows her journey, and the people she bumped in to on the way. 
      The song is all about not being afraid to stand out, as you can tell by the picture. 

Sometimes it's really scary being a Christian and being open about it, especially as a teenager. It's hard to be open, admit it, and also act on faith, too. Even if you don't say anything about God, it could be a situation where you felt like someone needed a smile or a hug, and you didn't act on it because you thought they might think you're weird or strange. I feel like this song really captures the feeling of fear and, I hate to say it, embarrassment that we sometimes feel, doing loving actions in society. It captures these feelings and reminds you to not be afraid, to want to stand out, to speak the un-spoken, to be different. 

Sometimes as a teenage girl I feel like I have to "obey" the rules and expectations that society puts on me; alcohol, being slim, having a boyfriend, partying, being mean. I feel like I have to be a sheep and follow what everyone expects of me. 
      When I was younger, I was dying to be cool, to fit in. I wanted to be popular and have loads of friends and dress like everyone else and surrender to whatever the fashion statements were. I think every young girl goes through that and feels like that. 
But, through finding my faith, I'm beginning to accept that this isn't what makes me a good person. I wasn't made to like alcohol and partying, and I definitely wasn't made to be tiny and wear short skirts. I've never been the kind of girl who likes being mean - and that was always a problem for other people, especially when I started secondary school. 
      Suddenly, there were expectations; there were glares; there were other competitors. It was a game. People found it weird that I didn't like bitching or talking bad about people; people didn't like that... Because it's not "normal" teenage behavior. For a while, I wanted to be like that. But then I realised that that wasn't what I wanted, and it definitely wasn't what I needed to be doing. 

I'm slowly beginning to like the fact I'm different. I'm very different. I'm learning to accept that it's who I am - I wasn't made to fit in with the crowd... I was made to stand out! I'm not really afraid to stand out anymore, because it's who God called me to be. He called me to love, He called me to help and He called me to be myself, to be different. 
      If you're a young girl out there, like me, and you're feeling compelled to fit this image of what society wants you to be... please be yourself. Be yourself; be who you were made to be. Try not to feel pressured to be a certain person or act a certain way, because it won't make you happy, or healthy, for that matter. Be who you were called to be - don't be afraid to stand out. There's a huge world at your fingertips and you can change it, just by being yourself. Being you is always enough, I promise you that.

Because that's how the lost get found.

Here is the music video :) 
Enjoy ♥♥

Light

When things are looking down in life, the last thing we think of doing is looking up.
Being stuck in a rut, between a rock and a hard place, or even just a situation we feel is just not right, makes it feel like the end of the world. But from experience I've learned that these are the moments that are gonna build your strength and really make you believe in yourself and where you're heading.

I feel like, in life, I sometimes forget to look to God during hard situations and I lose track of where I am and who I want to be. Sometimes I forget that He is my saviour and my soul. For example, when my M.E. gets bad, like it has been lately, it's so hard to look up and feel the light that God is shining down on me; calling me to him, in to his arms. It seems like the most pointless thing to look to God because, well... why would God put you in a horrible situation if he loves you as much as he says he does?
      That's just it though. When life gets hard, God is working in your life behind the scenes. You may not know it, or see where you're going, but that's when you have to hold on the most because, like they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn". It's OK to not know where we're going, because God knows the plan and will take you down the road. God's already there, at the other end of this situation, waiting for you.

When I look back on difficult situations that I have come across or that people I know have been through, I always see a light there. For me, I've always known that God was there; sometimes I've just gotten so lost that it's hard to look up and find Him. He's always been there, walking with me, telling me everything's going to be alright.

I have to remind myself to look up when things are looking down; to look up to God. He will bring me light in the darkest hours, and I have to trust that.
Sometimes it's easier to hide - easier to pretend you don't want something or pretend everything's okay. But you have to let go and feel the light... Just let go. Leave it all behind, and come to the light God is shining to you. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to hear this song. Maybe you're struggling with finances, relationships, illness; or maybe you're a young person struggling with not feeling like you fit in, like you're not good enough or like you're a disappointment. But God doesn't think any of those things about you, and He is bigger than all of the problems we face. Maybe you're trying to find your faith, or trying to re-discover it like I have. I'm here tonight to remind you to just let it all go; leave it all behind. You'll be alright.
      I don't know what it might be that you're facing, but God knows, and he won't let you go. Listen to the song, and feel the light. 

Let go, and feel the light.

"Feel the light" - Britt Nicole

"...How did you get here?

You're locked inside of all this fear,

Inside you're crying out, 

your mind's at war, 

Get out, get out... and live for more. 

There's so much more."

Courage in Faith

I want to talk about how amazing God is and how I've come to find him. It's really hard to do, sometimes, especially as a young girl in this society, but I am not afraid of my faith and admitting who I am and what I believe in.

There's a singer I love called Britt Nicole, and I've featured her songs in a lot of my blogs. Britt Nicole's music has really helped me to find my faith and keep it strong no matter what I've been going through, and I think she is so inspiring and her songs are just uplifting and amazing. 
      The first song I ever heard of hers was "All This Time". I think I cried when I first heard it, because it reminded me that God is always there. Jesus promised us that He would be there no matter what; He sees our tears, sees our hurting and He pulls us out, He helps us rise above. I just think it's pretty awesome that, no matter what we look like, no matter what we do, no matter what we're going through, God will always be there to love us and keep us safe from harm. 

I've been having an image in my head of a stormy ocean - dark clouds, heavy rain, thunder, lightning and crazy waves - and I'm in the middle of this storm.  But instead of being thrown around and taken under by the waves, there's a buoy in the middle of the sea, and a white light shining just over this. And there I am, holding on to this buoy; even though I can feel the storm raging on and I know it's happening and it's still affecting me, I'm holding on. I'm holding on, and I'm slightly above the storm because I'm strong as long as I'm in God's arms and trust in His love. 

Like in Britt Nicole's song "Have Your Way", which I wrote a blog about a while ago, God never promised the road would be easy and he never promised life wouldn't be hard. But, he did promise that he'd never leave, and that He'd take care of us, no matter what. Isn't that awesome? 

I've spent a lot of time asking why. Like, "Why me, God?" or "Why aren't I better yet?" "why can't you tell me what's going to happen?". And I know that each and every one of you reading this will have done that at some point, because we're all human and we all have our doubts. It's just a part of growing as a person, in faith and in life. It's okay. I feel like sometimes we're so hard on ourselves for having doubts or for questioning God's will, when actually we're the only ones who need to forgive. God has already forgiven us for that, and he loves us all the same. 

Now, instead of asking "why?" I just remind myself to believe no matter what. To keep holding on to my faith and the knowledge that God has a plan for us in life. For each and every one of us, I believe that we're all made with a purpose. You have a purpose - yes, you - even if you can't see it yet. We all have stories, we all have pain and we all have those moments where we can't see a way out. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I believe that that light is God. God's light never burns out, no matter what. 

So, today, if you're feeling down or doubting your faith, or doubting anything... keep going. Keep holding on. Keep believing in God's word and God's love. 
You'll get there!

I also encourage you to listen to Britt Nicole's music. There's at least one song of her's for everyone, and if you're having a bad day, listen and see if it inspires you. It inspires me every single day to keep going and keep believing. 
Another song I really love is "The Well" by Casting Crowns (oh, and other Casting Crown songs!). It reminds me that God doesn't care about my bad thoughts, my doubts, my worries. He sees the bigger picture, and he heals my wounds, my problems. It reminds me that he forgives my sins, and all he asks of me is to trust in him and believe in him, and I will thirst no more.

Never give up! 

"You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me." 

"You can walk on the water too."

"No I won't turn and run, this battle will be won."

 "You never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me." 

"Rest in my arms a while, and you'll feel the change my child." 

Never Alone

The other day, I was sat watching a TV show where every one seemed so much younger than they are now. I looked at when it came out, and it said 2010.
      Can you believe 2010 was three years ago!? I really can't. I said to my mum today that four years ago today I started secondary school.

Back then, I had no idea how fast time was going to go and I had no idea of the things I'd have to face in the years to come. I remember, so clearly, waking up and feeling nervous but also so excited. I put on my uniform, pulled my hair right back and mum and dad took pictures of me because it was my first day. I'd packed my bag the night before and everything was ready. I remember it was picture day - yes, on my very first day! - and it was so embarrassing posing for photos around all these mysterious people that I'd never met before.

I have written quite a few blog posts on looking back on the past, talking about how much things have changed. But right now, I want to talk about the future (which, now that I think about it, I blog quite a lot about, too...).

In three days, I'm going in to my last year of secondary school. Year 11.
      I was out for coffee with my mum and some friends last week, and they asked me what year I was going in to. I'd never said it out loud before, and when I said "year 11", it really hit me that... yeah, this is my last year. Year 11. I never thought I'd be here so soon... and I definitely didn't imagine it being this way!
      I then realised that my future is fast approaching. I only have 9 months left of school before my next summer holidays - and then what do I do? Normal teenagers ("normal" being people without illnesses such as M.E.) can plan ahead, look in to colleges, think about taking A-levels, etc. Yes, I know that even if you're not ill you still can't plan exactly for the future. But I have no idea what my health will be like this time next year. Absolutely no idea whatsoever.
      I could get even worse (I'm praying SO hard for this not to happen), I could get 100% better, or I could just stay the same. The ideal situation would be that I will be recovered by then, so I can go on and do whatever I want to. 

The thought of this upcoming year terrifies me. To be honest, I think it terrifies everybody. There's always the thought of "will I pass?" "will I get the right grades?" "what do I want to do?" etc, etc. But then I realised that I walk by faith now. I trust God in everything I do, and I know that He will guide me down the right path. If I don't get the right grade? - it must be part of God's plan. If I don't get better? - yes, it's frustrating; but still a part of God's plan. 

"You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way"

I'll stop searching for the answers; I'll let God lead me to them. 

I'll stop praying for an escape; I'll march through life with God by my side, through anything and everything. 

I'll trust God with where I am, even if I hate where I am and feel like there won't be an end. 

I'll believe that God will have his way... and his way will be awesome. 

So yeah, this year is terrifying me. A lot. 

      But then I realised that nothing can be that scary as long as I walk by faith. 

      He promised us that he'd never leave us alone, not that life would be easy. At first, that made me feel kind of frustrated and annoyed - understandably, really. Because, occasionally, we all wish that life would be easy sometimes. But even when life gets so hard, and I know it will in this upcoming school year, I won't be afraid. 

I'll trust You, God, with where I am...

God, just have your way.

Who You Say You Are...

I'm currently sat in my room, on a beautiful evening with my window open because it's really warm in here. I'm looking straight ahead at my bare wall which has just been stripped of a fitted wardrobe, so it's messy, tatty and full of lots of little holes where the nails have been. So many memories have been crammed in to this room as I've lived in this room for 14 years of my life (one year was spent in a different room). 

We have just got back from a two week holiday to Cornwall, and I'm very tired. In fact, "tired" doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm exhausted. Exhausted to the point of barely being able to type and just wanting to sleep, but not being able to because of my illness. I realise that many people face illnesses like this, and it's horrible. But I don't want to focus on the negatives; I want to focus on the positives in everything, because I feel like that's what my blog is all about. That's what my blog should be about, because I'm on my journey to finding myself and being positive about as much as possible.

I believe that there is a positive in every situation. Sometimes, it's really hard to see it. Really hard. And believe me, I know all about that. But I feel like, as the girl I am now, I've learned - I'm learning - to see something positive in every negative. All of the horrible stuff that we, as a family, have been through over the past few years has been really, really tough, but I feel it's also made us stronger; closer, even. When bad things happen, families have to stick together. It's tough, but that's what we've had to learn to do, and we're coming out stronger for it. 
      It's like that old saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't it? It really is true. 
      I believe that, if I hadn't got M.E. as an 11 year old girl, I woudn't be the optimistic, mature girl I am today. I wouldn't have learned to appreciate things in life - like the beautiful view I have from my living room window, or the amazing house I have. You see, because I'm housebound a lot of the time, I've had to learn to appreciate these things. If I can't get out to the beach because I'm having a bad day, I can look out of my window and see this gorgeous view of the sea and appreciate it, because sometimes that's as close as I'll get. When I was little and full of energy, that view was there all the time - it was mundane. But now I appreciate it and I thank God for that view every day because, without it, I would have one less thing to be in awe of.

I always think of the saying, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it". Sometimes, in the darkest days, it's really hard to believe that. But, deep down, under all my doubts... I really do believe that Jesus is who he says he is. I believe you now, God.

I see it all now.
I don't know how.
But there's never been a time that You let me down.
Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

'Cause I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

Life's gonna knock me down.
It's not gonna keep me down.
I'm gonna trust You now, in every season.
I know You're here.
I know You're for me.
I know that joy comes in the morning.
God, I believe it now.
God, I believe You now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubMbeFpqzXI

This song really does say it all. 

Things

I think we all have little things that make us happy. Whether it be in the garden, out on your favourite walk, in your house or somewhere you go on holiday. 
      I haven't written a blog in what seems like forever and I decided to write one about the little things that make our days better and brighter. Do you have an item in your house, or even a room, that you could just look at forever? - Something that fills you with a warmth and joy every time you see it? I know I do, and most of these things lie at home. 

Home is my place of comfort and warmth. It's the place where, all my life, I've looked forward to going back to after a long day at school or on a rainy, cold school trip. I remember when I was little, I hated school trips because it always seemed to rain on the trips that were outdoors, and was sunny when we had an indoor trip (that's just the way England works though, isn't it?). I can remember a specific trip we went on that was an outdoor adventure type thing. We had to do archery, bike riding, orienteering and an outdoor puzzle solving thing. From the minute I got on that little mini bus that morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day; the bus had ripped fabric all along the edges of the ceiling and the seats were revealing almost all of the yellow foam inside. It smelt of a mixture of tuna sandwiches and sick - my two worst things. 

I recall it being damp, dark and dingy at our "base" where we ate lunch and left our bags. It was raining, and we'd been told to take lots of different changes of clothes: waterproofs, cool clothes, more waterproofs, trainers, sandals - you know, the usuals. It was a freezing, damp, horrible day that ended with swimming in a cold pool with freezing, damp "changing rooms" which were really just four brick walls with a hook on one of them, and they called it a changing room. The lucky boys didn't need a changing room, because back then it seemed that girls where the ones who always got evicted when needing to change in private. 

Anyway, the point of this is that the whole day when I was there, feeling completely lonely and miserable, I couldn't wait to go home. I can vividly remember, that when I was doing all the horrid activities, I knew my mum would be waiting at home for me with a run bath, gorgeous smelling shampoo, a yummy dinner and some fresh homemade cakes. Mum was always prepared for everything (she still is), and always seemed to know how I'd be feeling when I got home from something, especially a school trip on a rainy day in a damp swamp. 
      As I'd expected, she was waiting at home with exactly the right things ready. She knew I'd be muddy, so I hopped in the shower and then she hastily ran me a nice hot bath before making my favourite meal finished with a delicious desert, no doubt. 

All I used to think on these school trips, and anything I didn't like, in fact, was coming home; the fact that soon, I'd be wrapped up in my duvet watching TV on the sofa with a hot chocolate and some toast with Nutella. 

My favourite things these days are things like these: 

One of my favourite plants in my garden - a pink rose we planted in memory of my Grandma. It brightens my day whenever I see it.

These daisy-like flowers also make my day brighter. Aren't they cute?

Seeing my gorgeous bed every day makes me happy. It's so colourful and flowery that it just reminds me of why I love flowers and pink and anything vintage. I also love my day bed. It's perfect.

 Seeing these shells on my windowsil reminds me of the dreams I used to have of mermaids and dolphins. I love the ocean, and it always makes me think of how one day I'll travel and see the incredible beaches that God has created.

My lanterns also make me smile. They were a spontaneous buy on a trip to a local quirky town near me and I just love looking at them every day. 

So what are your things that make your life just that little bit brighter? I know we all have them. 

Until next time, 

Ellie xxxx