Trust Him

I feel like sometimes we're begging God to change a situation and wondering why He isn't doing so. I know this more than anyone; I know that it can feel like God is just ignoring you and refusing to answer you. Sometimes I've felt almost abandoned, because in the bible it says "ask and you shall receive"; so I ask, but then God seems to ignore me. And then I start to get frustrated and confused and it's really not great at all.

But something I've truly come to realise is the fact that God is always in control. That fact has been going through my mind like crazy these past few weeks, and that's because God knows I need reminding of it every single minute of every single day, especially at the moment.

I was praying the other night and just wondering why everything seems to be going wrong. We've been praying/prayed for more than ever over these past few months and nothing seems to be changing. 
But then God just said to me, "I'm not changing this situation yet because you still have things to learn. I'm in control." And I was sitting there like, "God, I've learned everything now, I don't think I can learn much more"... but obviously God knows better than I do, so I'm just running with that. I trust him now more than ever, which is ironic because the enemy is truly trying to get in and ruin us, but all that it's doing is getting me closer to Jesus. And I love that. And over these past few weeks, I've been filled with more joy than I ever thought possible - and that's in the midst of a really horrible storm!!

2 Corinthians 5:7:
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

This verse has a new meaning for me now. 
I've finally learned that when I'm feeling out of control, I don't need to turn to other things to keep me feeling in control. All I need to do is turn to God and trust that He has everything under control. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to know to let go and trust Him. You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'm serious - trust Him. He might not be changing your situation now, when you feel you're ready, but just remember that through everything, God has perfect timing. He truly, truly does.
      In my head, I feel like I've learned everything I need to know and that I'm close enough to Jesus for my struggle to be over now, but in my heart I know that God still has things to teach me, and that's OK. I've learned to trust that that's OK.   
      If he's not changing your circumstances, trust that there's still things for you to learn; maybe He's trying to bring you even closer to Him. Don't lose heart in the fact that things are still difficult; take joy in the fact that Jesus is bigger than any struggle, and He is so, so amazing. He can break every chain, heal any disease or scar. Nothing is impossible when it comes to Jesus. (I love to claim that. A lot.)

So basically, the theme of this blog post is trust. I had no idea where I was taking this blog, but God seems to have my fingers moving like crazy on the keyboard right now!  
      Trust is a really hard thing for me;  but if I'm going to trust someone, it might as well be the God who is in control always and forever, and the God who loves us all so much. 

"Praise Him when your heart is breaking, 
when your strength is almost gone
Sing out your song
And praise Him, in the fire and fury
in the dark night of your soul
Your God is in control."    

Listen to this song if you're feeling even slightly discouraged. I promise it'll be worth it! 

Love always ♥♥♥ 

PS. Sorry I've been pretty much M.I.A for months, but like I said it's been pretty crazy over here.  

You're Beautiful

Everywhere we turn nowadays, there's a latest diet trend, the latest way to dress "cleverly", the best way to conceal your body and make it appear "slimmer". We are bombarded with photos of these "perfect" women in every single magazine, TV advert, clothes stores, etc. It's so tiring, all these women looking the same in every single picture that is shoved in our faces. 
      The pressure on women/girls these days to be thin, or to look a certain way, is immense. It disgusts me how people link being slim with being happy. "Slim" and "happy" are not synonymous. They do not work together - "slim" is not something we need to be happy. 

I hate how we make losing weight and starvation such a fantastic thing in society these days. Women are constantly bombarded (I'm not saying it's just women, this is just my experience talking) with ways to "slim down" or something like that. 

I was reading a magazine the other day that said "Dress cleverly to improve your shape!" then, directly below it said, "learn to love your classic British figure!". 
      No.
     Just no.
      "Dressing cleverly" to "improve your shape" is not, by any means, loving your figure. How does that even make sense!?

As a teenage girl in this society, I'm very, very tired of people shaming their bodies. It's like, you're either beautifully thin/fit with abs and toned everything, or you're beautifully curvy. Magazines and media portray it as if these are the only ways to be. No - these are not the only ways to be. I am not thin or toned, but I am also not curvy. But that's OK.

Every single magazine I see is plastered with pages of how to lose a stone in two weeks, how to dress to make yourself look slimmer, etc, etc. But then, three pages forward, there's someone telling you to love yourself the way you are!! What are we supposed to think when we read these kind of things!? I just think it's appalling how women are so objectified - not just by men; by other women too! 
      We're expected to be perfect. We expect women in magazines to be perfect. And then, one day, a few celebrities come out without makeup and it's all over the gossip magazines: Who looks the ugliest without makeup? (Yes, I actually saw this once!), Think she's pretty? Think again! and so on. Isn't that horrible? - These people have feelings too, you know. Just because they're celebrities doesn't mean they don't get offended by these kinds of comments. 

It makes me sick when people shame any type of body or look. It's like, in our culture, we can't compliment one body shape without offending another. It's either, "Oh, here's how to be slimmer to make a happier you"; or "Curvy girls are REAL women". There's no in between. There's no way of being what society expects you to be. If you're thin, you're not "real". But if you're curvy, you're "fat" or "ugly". 
Um... in case no one's realised - ALL WOMEN ARE REAL WOMEN. OK? ARE WE MADE OF PLASTIC? DO WE LOOK FAKE? NO? OK, THEN WE'RE REAL. No matter what our shape or size, we're all real and beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you different - not even the magazines that promise you you'll be happier if you lose 30 pounds (FYI, you won't be happier).

Why can't we compliment people without offending other people? Why can't we make comments like, "Your eyes are beautiful", "I love your smile" or "you look so happy" instead of "I love your curves!" or "You look so slim!"? 

Come on, women and girls... we can prove that we're beautiful the way we are. God made us the way we are because he wanted us that way. He made us all different, didn't he? Exactly, so let's not try to be in this little fake, non-existent thing called perfection. Let's not try and make ourselves squeeze in to a size 10 just because someone tells us that's what makes us beautiful. Let's love ourselves in whatever state our bodies are in; whether we have bags under our eyes, pale skin, or anything else that society tells us is wrong. Let's love ourselves, even when the entire world are trying to tell us not to. 

All my life I’ve been striving for this thing called “perfection”. This is something I’ve seen in magazines, on TV, in books, even on the street. I think every girl or woman has that in them somewhere. I think we all want to be as beautiful as that singer in the magazine, or as beautiful as that woman on TV. It makes me so sad to see girls and even women that feel like this: young teenage girls striving for something that doesn’t really exist, for something that always seems unreachable (maybe because it is!). This thing that is flaunted in our faces everywhere we turn, everywhere we look. 

I think - I think - I've finally realised that perfection is not something we can achieve.  

And I think I'm one step closer to finally being free.

Courageous

Ever since this year has begun and I've been praying for this to be my year, I've been so in touch with God. 
I was lying down the other day listening to some music, and previously to this I'd been having so many dreams about dance. In all of my dreams I've been a dance teacher/choreographer, teaching modern and Ballet; and also a singer at the same time.
When I was lying down, I suddenly remembered this dream I'd had the night before, and a song called "Brave" came on to my iPod. Then a song called "Courageous" and a song called "Look Like Love". These are all songs that I listen to when I need some hope, or when I want to relate to something. Suddenly God was just there, with me, talking to me through these songs like he always finds a way to do. 

Just as I was like, "Jesus, what is happening!?", the song "This'll Be My Year" by Train came on. God was actually saying to me, "Ellie, I got you this year. Apply for that college. Keep going - I'm not gonna let you fall. This is gonna be your year." I suddenly felt like I could do things this year, like I would be OK; like my M.E. will work with me if I just trust in God. 

Ever since then, I've been seeing all these pictures over social networks of ballet dancers, and quotes from my favourite Britt Nicole songs over the top, or just inspirational quotes that just add to what Jesus said to me that day.  He's telling me to be courageous, to follow my dreams and what I want to do this year. I'm gonna trust in Him - that He will not let me fall in to the pits of my M.E. unless it's absolutely needed. 


This year, I want to be on fire for God. I want to be used by him; I want to dance; I want to sing. I'm being called in to music and dance. I just know it. 
      I want to live this year, not just survive. I'm hoping and praying that God will give me the energy I need to do this. All my faith is on the line here, but I'm being courageous. I don't want to be afraid this year. I want to live. I want to be courageous. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than the fear." 
  
I think that, maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. Maybe this year will be better.

Watch this space.  

Be courageous today. Be brave today. Be yourself, and love yourself, and do what you love. Let's do this, together. Let's be brave. 

How will you be courageous?


Love to you all, 
Ellie x

Autumn...

So it's already the middle of September. How did that happen!? It seems like two minutes ago I was in Scotland back in February when I first started my blog. That was seven months ago... that's crazy. 

This year, I really have been on a crazy journey. Although sometimes it feels like I haven't moved forward at all, I actually have. Maybe not in terms of my M.E., but in myself I have moved on quite a bit. 

I love Autumn. I love the leaves turning from shades of green to shades of reds, oranges, yellows and golds. There's nothing more satisfying than going on a long walk, wrapped in coats scarves and gloves, standing on golden leaves that crunch under your feet. I remember when I was in primary school, mum and I would drive through the back lanes every morning and when it came to autumn, the trees surrounding us would look so gorgeous that we just wished we could stop and stay there all day to take in the beauty.

I love a lot of things about Autumn. My favourite month of the year is October, because it's when we're really in the depths of Autumn and the leaves are all reds and oranges, conkers are everywhere and so are pine cones. I just love the feeling of the air in Autumn... I've always loved it ever since I was little!
      I look forward to dark mornings and darker evenings, where you can sit by the fire in warm pyjamas watching favourite movies and clutching mugs of hot chocolate. I love how the mornings turn colder so you can see your breath, and the grass is dewy when you leave for school or work. 

At primary school, we sang a song called "Autumn days" in assembly in Autumn, and it was always my favourite song because it just said everything we all love about Autumn! I know, I know - I was a strange child, but who doesn't love Autumn?

What are your plans for Autumn? 

Love, Ellie
xxx

Never Alone

The other day, I was sat watching a TV show where every one seemed so much younger than they are now. I looked at when it came out, and it said 2010.
      Can you believe 2010 was three years ago!? I really can't. I said to my mum today that four years ago today I started secondary school.

Back then, I had no idea how fast time was going to go and I had no idea of the things I'd have to face in the years to come. I remember, so clearly, waking up and feeling nervous but also so excited. I put on my uniform, pulled my hair right back and mum and dad took pictures of me because it was my first day. I'd packed my bag the night before and everything was ready. I remember it was picture day - yes, on my very first day! - and it was so embarrassing posing for photos around all these mysterious people that I'd never met before.

I have written quite a few blog posts on looking back on the past, talking about how much things have changed. But right now, I want to talk about the future (which, now that I think about it, I blog quite a lot about, too...).

In three days, I'm going in to my last year of secondary school. Year 11.
      I was out for coffee with my mum and some friends last week, and they asked me what year I was going in to. I'd never said it out loud before, and when I said "year 11", it really hit me that... yeah, this is my last year. Year 11. I never thought I'd be here so soon... and I definitely didn't imagine it being this way!
      I then realised that my future is fast approaching. I only have 9 months left of school before my next summer holidays - and then what do I do? Normal teenagers ("normal" being people without illnesses such as M.E.) can plan ahead, look in to colleges, think about taking A-levels, etc. Yes, I know that even if you're not ill you still can't plan exactly for the future. But I have no idea what my health will be like this time next year. Absolutely no idea whatsoever.
      I could get even worse (I'm praying SO hard for this not to happen), I could get 100% better, or I could just stay the same. The ideal situation would be that I will be recovered by then, so I can go on and do whatever I want to. 

The thought of this upcoming year terrifies me. To be honest, I think it terrifies everybody. There's always the thought of "will I pass?" "will I get the right grades?" "what do I want to do?" etc, etc. But then I realised that I walk by faith now. I trust God in everything I do, and I know that He will guide me down the right path. If I don't get the right grade? - it must be part of God's plan. If I don't get better? - yes, it's frustrating; but still a part of God's plan. 

"You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way"

I'll stop searching for the answers; I'll let God lead me to them. 

I'll stop praying for an escape; I'll march through life with God by my side, through anything and everything. 

I'll trust God with where I am, even if I hate where I am and feel like there won't be an end. 

I'll believe that God will have his way... and his way will be awesome. 

So yeah, this year is terrifying me. A lot. 

      But then I realised that nothing can be that scary as long as I walk by faith. 

      He promised us that he'd never leave us alone, not that life would be easy. At first, that made me feel kind of frustrated and annoyed - understandably, really. Because, occasionally, we all wish that life would be easy sometimes. But even when life gets so hard, and I know it will in this upcoming school year, I won't be afraid. 

I'll trust You, God, with where I am...

God, just have your way.

Looking Back

On Saturday I performed at my Primary School's Country Fair. It was 25 degree heat and full of so much action. I met my best friend, Beth, who was with some of her friends from school and also one of our friends from primary school. It was always Beth, our other friend Carly and I at primary school. We were Triple-Trouble. 

It was the first time I'd been to that school in three years. 

As I was stood there, about to perform, it took me back to year 6 when I performed in the summer Fayre talent show back in 2009. 2009! I can't believe that's how long ago it was. I remember exactly how I was feeling that day because it was like a week before our last day, and the day after our last day we were headed off to Texas for two weeks. I was excited, nervous and sad all at the same time. 
      I wasn't nervous at all for performing back then, because these people at the school were my family and had seen me perform since I was tiny. But this time, I was so nervous, and I didn't realise why until I came home that day. I realised it was because so much had changed since I'd been there, and it all felt so different and almost unsettling to be there performing in front of people I only just recognised and barely knew anymore. 
      Even though I was nervous, as soon as I started singing I started getting comfortable. I spotted my God sister, Alice and her mum and dad sat there with huge smiles on their faces watching me. Then I noticed my friend and her friends watching me like they cared and then there was my mum and dad who just had that same "we love you" look on their faces they always do when I perform. I started settling in again, and it felt like I was back home. 
It was actually very emotional to be back there, performing, because everything had changed since the last time I sang there 4 whole years ago. It was all a whirlwind, but so nice to be back home where everything began and I started finding who I was.

Halfway through performing, 3 boys walked in, and I had to do a double take (which must have looked funny as I was singing!). It took me a few moments to realise who it was - three boys me and my two best friends used to be in a little "crew" with back in the year 6 days. They were so grown up, so tall and so different, but when we hung out together for a while afterwards I learned that they're still the same nice, crazy guys I knew back when I was 11. 

Looking back, I realise I was so different and so was everything at that school. But even though things have changed drastically, and we're all living our separate lives, I know that whenever we come back together or go back to the place we grew up, things just pick up where they left off. 
      I was talking to my God sister today and I was saying to her how my primary school years were the best years of my life so far. Its nice to know that I'll always have those memories to think back on to pick me up when I'm down. It's also nice to know that the people there, and the people who were there with me, will always be there to support me and welcome me back as if nothing changed.

Growing up!

It was my birthday a week and a half ago, so I'm officially fifteen. I don't feel any different, but who really does until they look back two years later and realise how much they've changed, matured, grown up? 

In the book I'm reading, the main characters best friend is thirteen, and all she starts caring about is boys, makeup and parties, saying it's just her "growing up". I think a lot of girls go through this, and begin to believe that's what it means to be mature. But when you're a bit older - in you're late twenties or early thirties, say - will you really be classed as mature if all you care about is boys and partying? I think very few people would be. 

When I was thirteen, I never wanted to be one of those girls who partied and got drunk and stuff, because I knew that wasn't maturity. But I can remember clearly the day I left primary school, I was already trying to pose like one of my teenage friends in pictures. I still look at those "selfies" I took on that day and cringe, because, well... it was seriously cringe-worthy. 

So now I'm fifteen. And although I don't feel any different, I know I am very different to the girl I was last year on March 31st (my birthday). And I'm glad I've changed!

      My birthday was amazing. We were in Yorkshire, in this little cottage we've been to every year since I was 4. I had one of my best friends with me this year (Rosie), and that made it even better. We headed in to Ilkley and went up to the Cow and Calf (Ilkley Moore) and sat there for a while. It is SUCH an amazing view. Then we went in to town and looked around, then went for a Costa. We had some cake in the morning, for lunch we had a picnic on the Cow and Calf, and then for dinner we had a typical party meal - sausage rolls (vegetarian ones), potato smiles, mini pizzas, party rings. It was perfect! Thank you every one for making it so special and giving me my wonderful, thoughtful gifts.

 

This is my birthday cake! Isn't it magical?

Here's me blowing out my candles.

And there's the inside of my gorgeous cake. I love it!

Until next time, 

Ellie xxxxxx

Change Is Good

I've been looking back on a lot of old pictures recently and it was weird because I hardly recognised myself. Not just because I looked different but because I was so different in my self as well.

I used to be the kind of girl that wanted things to happen but never actually took action. I was the kind of girl who walked around apologetically with my arms folded and a mind that thought "please no one notice me". The kind of girl who said she didn't want to fit in, but actually, deep down, she really did. I was that girl at school who was picked on at secondary school for my weight and my voice and how I liked to do things. I used to just ignore it and walk on by.
I didn't like myself that much, but I enjoyed life. All I used to want was to be wanted by a boy and be in a cute relationship for years and then grow up to be married.

It makes me smile very bittersweet-ly when I look back on these pictures. I smile happily when I think of the very little amount of issues I had back then, and also when I see all of the family together under one roof - all of us as happy as we can be. But then I also smile sadly because I realise that I'll never be able to go back, but then I kind of figure that even though those times won't come back, the memories will never leave. None of the issues I have in the present day can take away the fact that those times did happen and did exist.

The girl I am now is so much different, and in the past six months I have changed so much. I'm not even sure I know who that girl is from October 2012. I used to be so insecure, I used to hate change and I used to not know what I believed and what I didn't believe. 

Now, I'm the kind of girl who can't live without a little bit of change in my life. I love changing things around. I'm still insecure, but isn't everyone? I like myself a lot more now, and when people hate on me about something, I'm no where near as bothered as I used to be! I'm facing a lot of changes every single day, even if I don't notice it. Things change for every one every second. It may sound like a bad thing, but you should embrace change rather than seeing it as something terrifying. God will never give you a situation that you're not strong enough to handle, so even if you're having to make a huge change in your life that you don't particularly want to make - just remember that there's a bigger purpose. 

This is one thing I wish I knew back then.
One thing I also wish I'd to anyone who ever bullied me was the picture at the very top:
"I'm happy and I'm healthy and if you're hating on me or my weight then you obviously aren't."  - Demi Lovato

Lots of love,
Ellie
x x x