Ever since this year has begun and I've been praying for this to be my year, I've been so in touch with God. I was lying down the other day listening to some music, and previously to this I'd been having so many dreams about dance. In all of my dreams I've been a dance teacher/choreographer, teaching modern and Ballet; and also a singer at the same time. When I was lying down, I suddenly remembered this dream I'd had the night before, and a song called "Brave" came on to my iPod. Then a song called "Courageous" and a song called "Look Like Love". These are all songs that I listen to when I need some hope, or when I want to relate to something. Suddenly God was just there, with me, talking to me through these songs like he always finds a way to do.
Just as I was like, "Jesus, what is happening!?", the song "This'll Be My Year" by Train came on. God was actually saying to me, "Ellie, I got you this year. Apply for that college. Keep going - I'm not gonna let you fall. This is gonna be your year." I suddenly felt like I could do things this year, like I would be OK; like my M.E. will work with me if I just trust in God. Ever since then, I've been seeing all these pictures over social networks of ballet dancers, and quotes from my favourite Britt Nicole songs over the top, or just inspirational quotes that just add to what Jesus said to me that day. He's telling me to be courageous, to follow my dreams and what I want to do this year. I'm gonna trust in Him - that He will not let me fall in to the pits of my M.E. unless it's absolutely needed.
This year, I want to be on fire for God. I want to be used by him; I want to dance; I want to sing. I'm being called in to music and dance. I just know it. I want to live this year, not just survive. I'm hoping and praying that God will give me the energy I need to do this. All my faith is on the line here, but I'm being courageous. I don't want to be afraid this year. I want to live. I want to be courageous.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than the fear." I think that, maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. Maybe this year will be better.
Watch this space.
Be courageous today. Be brave today. Be yourself, and love yourself, and do what you love. Let's do this, together. Let's be brave.
In a week's time, my friends and I will be at a dress rehearsal for our upcoming show. My dance school does a "showcase" every other year, and I have never missed one since I started at the dance school 11 years ago. It's always been one of my favourite times of year when the show comes around. Sure, learning the exercises and repeating them in class is fun, but there's nothing like coming together and learning the choreography for a dance, then rehearsing and rehearsing, and then finally - finally - it's the moment we've all been waiting for.
I was stood in the studio the other day, in the imaginary "wings", watching as my teacher choreographed a part of the dance. I was thinking that one of my favourite parts of performing as a group at this showcase is the coming together. We all have our differences in my class. Especially because two classes have been combined for our dance this year. Some of us get along really well, some of us don't. That's the way it's always been. But when it's the moment before we all head on stage, when the music is starting and our minds go in to dance mode; all of the problems or friction between us just seems to fade. We start working together, no matter what our differences. We all come together, with the lights shining down on us and the music filling our souls, no matter what happens in the lessons. We're a family, in those moments on stage. We're working together; we're all for one and one for all.*Que High School Musical song* Yeah, it's only two minutes on stage in most cases, but who cares? Those two minutes are what we've been waiting for for months on end.
Last time around, we all danced to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" theme tune. It was a great dance to do as it was so theatrical and deep and really great. Our costumes were awesome too.
This year, we're dancing to a beautiful, beautiful song from the newest "Fame" movie (I'll post it at the bottom). The lyrics are so lovely and I'm so glad we're dancing to it. I've been wanting to dance to it for ages! The choreography is beautiful, and it's definitely going to be a great finale. Another great thing I love about performing together at the end of months and months of rehearsal is the feeling and joy we put in the dance. I always think, just before we go on stage, 'This is it... this is what we've been learning for!' It sounds so dramatic, like I'm talking about an Olympic medal, but it does feel like it at the time when you're called to come on stage. Backstage is fun too, because we're all so excited and hyped and busy and crazy.
Everyone comes together that night. All our differences are put aside, and that's why I do it. That's one of the many reasons I do it.
Here's the song we're dancing to! Isn't it beautiful?
A while ago, I wrote a blog called "That Place", about how dance takes me to different world.
Yeah... I love every type of dance. But the dance that will always have my heart is Ballet.
Two years ago, I had to make the decision to stop Ballet, because it was making my M.E. so bad. I was in year eight, just towards the end of April 2011, and I stopped with the thought that I'd be better in a year, which meant that I wouldn't have time to miss it that much. But then a year passed... and another year... and here I am. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I see someone dancing a Ballet piece; I put my Pointe shoes on every day just to remember what it's like to wear them; I think of it all the time. I never knew I could miss something this much. I never expected it to be this way.
The power of dancing is incredible. You just move to the music, let it take you away, let your feet get tangled in a whirl of movements and relevés and pirouettes; let your heart get lost in the feeling of rising and falling and the heat of the stage lights. It's like, as soon as a piece of music starts, and you make that first movement... life makes sense again. The minute the teacher starts the music and you stand at the barre, doing painful Grande Plies, you forget about the pressures of life for a while and just remember how awesome it feels to be able to dance. To be able to feel your feet move, hear your heart beat, and create something so beautiful for yourself and other people, just by losing yourself in something. I sometimes sit on my bed and stare at my Pointe shoes. They hang there, tied together at the ribbons, looking so shiny and beautiful and barely used. I only got to dance in these shoes for a few months before I had to quit, and they're only just broken in. I keep my first pair of Pointe shoes in a safe place upstairs, because they mean so much to me that I don't want them to fade or get even more worn than they already are. I remember how excited I was, when I went to buy them. The feeling of going up on to my toes for the first time - something I'd been dreaming of since my first class when I was just four years old - and then going to my first class and dancing En Pointe for the first time. My first real dream had come true... and I'll never forget that feeling. Never. I wore those Pointe Shoes to death. Back then, I was insecure and hated school and always felt tired (when my M.E. was developing). But when I danced - when I went up En Pointe - I forgot about it all. Everything faded away. Nowadays, things are different. I can barely manage half an hour of dancing a week, and that's Modern dancing, which is a bit less physically taxing than Ballet (for me, anyway). I have to rest all afternoon before hand, and then rest all evening afterwards, but it's always worth it. I'm so blessed that I'm only just able to manage this half hour, but I wish more than anything that I could do Ballet again. I miss it so much. It was my escape, my happiness, my life. And I never realised at the time how much it meant to me... but now that I do, it's too late. Prayers would be really appreciated, because I've never missed Ballet so much and I need it more than ever at the moment. I was hoping to be able to do it for twenty minutes every other week this term, but my health isn't looking like I'm going to be able to. I didn't realise how much Ballet meant to me until I had to stop.
If you have something that makes you happier than anything, make the most of it. Embrace it, love it, enjoy it and do it as much as you can!
So I have this place where nothing can touch me.Not pain, not heartache, not bullying... not even gravity. It's a place I dream of every day and a place I only really get glimpses of. This place is somewhere personal, but somewhere that reaches out to people close to me when they know I'm there - when they know I'm not letting anything hurt me or bother me. By now you're probably wondering where this place is. It's a place I feel I'm in when I dance. When I'm on stage, moving to a piece of music I've been practicing to for months. It's this amazing feeling that nothing is wrong, like nothing can hurt me. When I dance it takes everything bad away and just lets the good in. Getting lost in a dance is the best way to find myself. If I think about it when I'm dancing, I can feel my M.E. getting worse and the tiredness coming over me. If I think about it, I can feel my body starting to hurt and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. But none of that matters; instead of letting it hold me back, I allow it to push me further. Because if I continue dancing through the pain and through the tiredness, I feel proud of myself. None of the pain or hurting matters when I'm dancing. The reason I'm writing a blog about dancing and how it affects me is because I want to let people know about why I still dance even though I'm really not physically well enough to do it. Dancing is something that stops me from hurting inside even if it makes me hurt more on the outside. And the other day, my mum told me that it fills her with happiness and joy when she sees me dance. That made me more happy than you can ever imagine! Have you got a passion that helps you through things, even if their may be drawbacks to doing so? I know that one of my best friends has HNPP (fairly similar to M.E.) and gets very achey joints which is terrible. But nothing helps her more than going out and doing some photography; even when she can't really walk, the mental benefits of it outweigh the physical downers. I think we all have that place where nothing can touch us, even if you haven't found it yet. For some people it's doing their job and for others its their hobby outside of working life. I think once you've found that place, you'll never be without something to fall back on, or something to help you think things through. What's your special place or thing you do when you need time to yourself? Let me know! Lots of love, Ellie xxxxx
