Trust Him

I feel like sometimes we're begging God to change a situation and wondering why He isn't doing so. I know this more than anyone; I know that it can feel like God is just ignoring you and refusing to answer you. Sometimes I've felt almost abandoned, because in the bible it says "ask and you shall receive"; so I ask, but then God seems to ignore me. And then I start to get frustrated and confused and it's really not great at all.

But something I've truly come to realise is the fact that God is always in control. That fact has been going through my mind like crazy these past few weeks, and that's because God knows I need reminding of it every single minute of every single day, especially at the moment.

I was praying the other night and just wondering why everything seems to be going wrong. We've been praying/prayed for more than ever over these past few months and nothing seems to be changing. 
But then God just said to me, "I'm not changing this situation yet because you still have things to learn. I'm in control." And I was sitting there like, "God, I've learned everything now, I don't think I can learn much more"... but obviously God knows better than I do, so I'm just running with that. I trust him now more than ever, which is ironic because the enemy is truly trying to get in and ruin us, but all that it's doing is getting me closer to Jesus. And I love that. And over these past few weeks, I've been filled with more joy than I ever thought possible - and that's in the midst of a really horrible storm!!

2 Corinthians 5:7:
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

This verse has a new meaning for me now. 
I've finally learned that when I'm feeling out of control, I don't need to turn to other things to keep me feeling in control. All I need to do is turn to God and trust that He has everything under control. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to know to let go and trust Him. You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'm serious - trust Him. He might not be changing your situation now, when you feel you're ready, but just remember that through everything, God has perfect timing. He truly, truly does.
      In my head, I feel like I've learned everything I need to know and that I'm close enough to Jesus for my struggle to be over now, but in my heart I know that God still has things to teach me, and that's OK. I've learned to trust that that's OK.   
      If he's not changing your circumstances, trust that there's still things for you to learn; maybe He's trying to bring you even closer to Him. Don't lose heart in the fact that things are still difficult; take joy in the fact that Jesus is bigger than any struggle, and He is so, so amazing. He can break every chain, heal any disease or scar. Nothing is impossible when it comes to Jesus. (I love to claim that. A lot.)

So basically, the theme of this blog post is trust. I had no idea where I was taking this blog, but God seems to have my fingers moving like crazy on the keyboard right now!  
      Trust is a really hard thing for me;  but if I'm going to trust someone, it might as well be the God who is in control always and forever, and the God who loves us all so much. 

"Praise Him when your heart is breaking, 
when your strength is almost gone
Sing out your song
And praise Him, in the fire and fury
in the dark night of your soul
Your God is in control."    

Listen to this song if you're feeling even slightly discouraged. I promise it'll be worth it! 

Love always ♥♥♥ 

PS. Sorry I've been pretty much M.I.A for months, but like I said it's been pretty crazy over here.  

Come, Give me Wings

"I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands
 
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me"

This week/past few weeks have really quite horrible to me. I've had a cold for a week, and my M.E. just took a seriously big blow at me and now I'm on the sofa not moving or talking. It's so discouraging when this happens, and it's really hard to keep my faith. Really, really, really hard. I think this has been the hardest few weeks of my life. It sounds so over-exaggerated; I wish it was. 
It sometimes seems like no amount of praying, no amount of begging for my life and health back, is making a difference. I just want to get out and live, but most importantly, I want to make a difference in the world. That's all I want to do. I really don't know what else I'd do with my life, besides helping people. Especially seeing as it's Christmas time. The problem is,  I'm so ill at the moment, I can't do anything, let alone get out and make a difference. It's really disheartening and makes me feel so defeated. 

But, I'll continue to pray and I'll continue to fight. 

This song just says everything. I chose to post the acoustic version because I feel that it's a lot more raw, emotional and true. The lyrics are so beautiful, and give me shivers because I just want God to use me. I feel like I'm so ready to be doing something, even something small, to help someone or something. 
      Use me, Lord. Use me in my sleep, use me in my blog, use me in my music, use me in my dance, use me in my smile. Give me the health to help. I want to make a difference to someone's life. I want to let the broken know there's healing, once I've found it myself. I want to feed the hungry children. 
Take my dreams, come and give them wings. 

I beg the Lord every night that he will use me in some way one day. I'll continue to beg. I'll never give up, because it's what I want to do. 
I think this is the most honest blog I've ever written. I've shown how defeated I feel at the moment, and I've never really written that in my blog before. 
      But even though I feel defeated, at the lowest of lows, I'm going to keep going. I'm not a quitter anymore, I don't give up just like that. I'll keep going. I'll keep waiting for God to use me. 

I wish you all an amazing rest of the weekend, and hope it continues in to next week. Love all round xx   

How The Lost Get Found...

This is a small GIF of a part of one of my favourite music videos. 


So I'm going back to Britt Nicole, who always seems to make an appearance in my blog posts... but can her music ever be boring!?

I first watched this music video after a few weeks of having discovered the song. Britt decided one day that she would go on a road trip, and she prayed to God that on this journey she would meet people who needed to be saved, blessed, prayed with. The video shows her journey, and the people she bumped in to on the way. 
      The song is all about not being afraid to stand out, as you can tell by the picture. 

Sometimes it's really scary being a Christian and being open about it, especially as a teenager. It's hard to be open, admit it, and also act on faith, too. Even if you don't say anything about God, it could be a situation where you felt like someone needed a smile or a hug, and you didn't act on it because you thought they might think you're weird or strange. I feel like this song really captures the feeling of fear and, I hate to say it, embarrassment that we sometimes feel, doing loving actions in society. It captures these feelings and reminds you to not be afraid, to want to stand out, to speak the un-spoken, to be different. 

Sometimes as a teenage girl I feel like I have to "obey" the rules and expectations that society puts on me; alcohol, being slim, having a boyfriend, partying, being mean. I feel like I have to be a sheep and follow what everyone expects of me. 
      When I was younger, I was dying to be cool, to fit in. I wanted to be popular and have loads of friends and dress like everyone else and surrender to whatever the fashion statements were. I think every young girl goes through that and feels like that. 
But, through finding my faith, I'm beginning to accept that this isn't what makes me a good person. I wasn't made to like alcohol and partying, and I definitely wasn't made to be tiny and wear short skirts. I've never been the kind of girl who likes being mean - and that was always a problem for other people, especially when I started secondary school. 
      Suddenly, there were expectations; there were glares; there were other competitors. It was a game. People found it weird that I didn't like bitching or talking bad about people; people didn't like that... Because it's not "normal" teenage behavior. For a while, I wanted to be like that. But then I realised that that wasn't what I wanted, and it definitely wasn't what I needed to be doing. 

I'm slowly beginning to like the fact I'm different. I'm very different. I'm learning to accept that it's who I am - I wasn't made to fit in with the crowd... I was made to stand out! I'm not really afraid to stand out anymore, because it's who God called me to be. He called me to love, He called me to help and He called me to be myself, to be different. 
      If you're a young girl out there, like me, and you're feeling compelled to fit this image of what society wants you to be... please be yourself. Be yourself; be who you were made to be. Try not to feel pressured to be a certain person or act a certain way, because it won't make you happy, or healthy, for that matter. Be who you were called to be - don't be afraid to stand out. There's a huge world at your fingertips and you can change it, just by being yourself. Being you is always enough, I promise you that.

Because that's how the lost get found.

Here is the music video :) 
Enjoy ♥♥

Light

When things are looking down in life, the last thing we think of doing is looking up.
Being stuck in a rut, between a rock and a hard place, or even just a situation we feel is just not right, makes it feel like the end of the world. But from experience I've learned that these are the moments that are gonna build your strength and really make you believe in yourself and where you're heading.

I feel like, in life, I sometimes forget to look to God during hard situations and I lose track of where I am and who I want to be. Sometimes I forget that He is my saviour and my soul. For example, when my M.E. gets bad, like it has been lately, it's so hard to look up and feel the light that God is shining down on me; calling me to him, in to his arms. It seems like the most pointless thing to look to God because, well... why would God put you in a horrible situation if he loves you as much as he says he does?
      That's just it though. When life gets hard, God is working in your life behind the scenes. You may not know it, or see where you're going, but that's when you have to hold on the most because, like they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn". It's OK to not know where we're going, because God knows the plan and will take you down the road. God's already there, at the other end of this situation, waiting for you.

When I look back on difficult situations that I have come across or that people I know have been through, I always see a light there. For me, I've always known that God was there; sometimes I've just gotten so lost that it's hard to look up and find Him. He's always been there, walking with me, telling me everything's going to be alright.

I have to remind myself to look up when things are looking down; to look up to God. He will bring me light in the darkest hours, and I have to trust that.
Sometimes it's easier to hide - easier to pretend you don't want something or pretend everything's okay. But you have to let go and feel the light... Just let go. Leave it all behind, and come to the light God is shining to you. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to hear this song. Maybe you're struggling with finances, relationships, illness; or maybe you're a young person struggling with not feeling like you fit in, like you're not good enough or like you're a disappointment. But God doesn't think any of those things about you, and He is bigger than all of the problems we face. Maybe you're trying to find your faith, or trying to re-discover it like I have. I'm here tonight to remind you to just let it all go; leave it all behind. You'll be alright.
      I don't know what it might be that you're facing, but God knows, and he won't let you go. Listen to the song, and feel the light. 

Let go, and feel the light.

"Feel the light" - Britt Nicole

"...How did you get here?

You're locked inside of all this fear,

Inside you're crying out, 

your mind's at war, 

Get out, get out... and live for more. 

There's so much more."

Courage in Faith

I want to talk about how amazing God is and how I've come to find him. It's really hard to do, sometimes, especially as a young girl in this society, but I am not afraid of my faith and admitting who I am and what I believe in.

There's a singer I love called Britt Nicole, and I've featured her songs in a lot of my blogs. Britt Nicole's music has really helped me to find my faith and keep it strong no matter what I've been going through, and I think she is so inspiring and her songs are just uplifting and amazing. 
      The first song I ever heard of hers was "All This Time". I think I cried when I first heard it, because it reminded me that God is always there. Jesus promised us that He would be there no matter what; He sees our tears, sees our hurting and He pulls us out, He helps us rise above. I just think it's pretty awesome that, no matter what we look like, no matter what we do, no matter what we're going through, God will always be there to love us and keep us safe from harm. 

I've been having an image in my head of a stormy ocean - dark clouds, heavy rain, thunder, lightning and crazy waves - and I'm in the middle of this storm.  But instead of being thrown around and taken under by the waves, there's a buoy in the middle of the sea, and a white light shining just over this. And there I am, holding on to this buoy; even though I can feel the storm raging on and I know it's happening and it's still affecting me, I'm holding on. I'm holding on, and I'm slightly above the storm because I'm strong as long as I'm in God's arms and trust in His love. 

Like in Britt Nicole's song "Have Your Way", which I wrote a blog about a while ago, God never promised the road would be easy and he never promised life wouldn't be hard. But, he did promise that he'd never leave, and that He'd take care of us, no matter what. Isn't that awesome? 

I've spent a lot of time asking why. Like, "Why me, God?" or "Why aren't I better yet?" "why can't you tell me what's going to happen?". And I know that each and every one of you reading this will have done that at some point, because we're all human and we all have our doubts. It's just a part of growing as a person, in faith and in life. It's okay. I feel like sometimes we're so hard on ourselves for having doubts or for questioning God's will, when actually we're the only ones who need to forgive. God has already forgiven us for that, and he loves us all the same. 

Now, instead of asking "why?" I just remind myself to believe no matter what. To keep holding on to my faith and the knowledge that God has a plan for us in life. For each and every one of us, I believe that we're all made with a purpose. You have a purpose - yes, you - even if you can't see it yet. We all have stories, we all have pain and we all have those moments where we can't see a way out. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I believe that that light is God. God's light never burns out, no matter what. 

So, today, if you're feeling down or doubting your faith, or doubting anything... keep going. Keep holding on. Keep believing in God's word and God's love. 
You'll get there!

I also encourage you to listen to Britt Nicole's music. There's at least one song of her's for everyone, and if you're having a bad day, listen and see if it inspires you. It inspires me every single day to keep going and keep believing. 
Another song I really love is "The Well" by Casting Crowns (oh, and other Casting Crown songs!). It reminds me that God doesn't care about my bad thoughts, my doubts, my worries. He sees the bigger picture, and he heals my wounds, my problems. It reminds me that he forgives my sins, and all he asks of me is to trust in him and believe in him, and I will thirst no more.

Never give up! 

"You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me." 

"You can walk on the water too."

"No I won't turn and run, this battle will be won."

 "You never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me." 

"Rest in my arms a while, and you'll feel the change my child." 

Never Alone

The other day, I was sat watching a TV show where every one seemed so much younger than they are now. I looked at when it came out, and it said 2010.
      Can you believe 2010 was three years ago!? I really can't. I said to my mum today that four years ago today I started secondary school.

Back then, I had no idea how fast time was going to go and I had no idea of the things I'd have to face in the years to come. I remember, so clearly, waking up and feeling nervous but also so excited. I put on my uniform, pulled my hair right back and mum and dad took pictures of me because it was my first day. I'd packed my bag the night before and everything was ready. I remember it was picture day - yes, on my very first day! - and it was so embarrassing posing for photos around all these mysterious people that I'd never met before.

I have written quite a few blog posts on looking back on the past, talking about how much things have changed. But right now, I want to talk about the future (which, now that I think about it, I blog quite a lot about, too...).

In three days, I'm going in to my last year of secondary school. Year 11.
      I was out for coffee with my mum and some friends last week, and they asked me what year I was going in to. I'd never said it out loud before, and when I said "year 11", it really hit me that... yeah, this is my last year. Year 11. I never thought I'd be here so soon... and I definitely didn't imagine it being this way!
      I then realised that my future is fast approaching. I only have 9 months left of school before my next summer holidays - and then what do I do? Normal teenagers ("normal" being people without illnesses such as M.E.) can plan ahead, look in to colleges, think about taking A-levels, etc. Yes, I know that even if you're not ill you still can't plan exactly for the future. But I have no idea what my health will be like this time next year. Absolutely no idea whatsoever.
      I could get even worse (I'm praying SO hard for this not to happen), I could get 100% better, or I could just stay the same. The ideal situation would be that I will be recovered by then, so I can go on and do whatever I want to. 

The thought of this upcoming year terrifies me. To be honest, I think it terrifies everybody. There's always the thought of "will I pass?" "will I get the right grades?" "what do I want to do?" etc, etc. But then I realised that I walk by faith now. I trust God in everything I do, and I know that He will guide me down the right path. If I don't get the right grade? - it must be part of God's plan. If I don't get better? - yes, it's frustrating; but still a part of God's plan. 

"You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way"

I'll stop searching for the answers; I'll let God lead me to them. 

I'll stop praying for an escape; I'll march through life with God by my side, through anything and everything. 

I'll trust God with where I am, even if I hate where I am and feel like there won't be an end. 

I'll believe that God will have his way... and his way will be awesome. 

So yeah, this year is terrifying me. A lot. 

      But then I realised that nothing can be that scary as long as I walk by faith. 

      He promised us that he'd never leave us alone, not that life would be easy. At first, that made me feel kind of frustrated and annoyed - understandably, really. Because, occasionally, we all wish that life would be easy sometimes. But even when life gets so hard, and I know it will in this upcoming school year, I won't be afraid. 

I'll trust You, God, with where I am...

God, just have your way.

Who You Say You Are...

I'm currently sat in my room, on a beautiful evening with my window open because it's really warm in here. I'm looking straight ahead at my bare wall which has just been stripped of a fitted wardrobe, so it's messy, tatty and full of lots of little holes where the nails have been. So many memories have been crammed in to this room as I've lived in this room for 14 years of my life (one year was spent in a different room). 

We have just got back from a two week holiday to Cornwall, and I'm very tired. In fact, "tired" doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm exhausted. Exhausted to the point of barely being able to type and just wanting to sleep, but not being able to because of my illness. I realise that many people face illnesses like this, and it's horrible. But I don't want to focus on the negatives; I want to focus on the positives in everything, because I feel like that's what my blog is all about. That's what my blog should be about, because I'm on my journey to finding myself and being positive about as much as possible.

I believe that there is a positive in every situation. Sometimes, it's really hard to see it. Really hard. And believe me, I know all about that. But I feel like, as the girl I am now, I've learned - I'm learning - to see something positive in every negative. All of the horrible stuff that we, as a family, have been through over the past few years has been really, really tough, but I feel it's also made us stronger; closer, even. When bad things happen, families have to stick together. It's tough, but that's what we've had to learn to do, and we're coming out stronger for it. 
      It's like that old saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't it? It really is true. 
      I believe that, if I hadn't got M.E. as an 11 year old girl, I woudn't be the optimistic, mature girl I am today. I wouldn't have learned to appreciate things in life - like the beautiful view I have from my living room window, or the amazing house I have. You see, because I'm housebound a lot of the time, I've had to learn to appreciate these things. If I can't get out to the beach because I'm having a bad day, I can look out of my window and see this gorgeous view of the sea and appreciate it, because sometimes that's as close as I'll get. When I was little and full of energy, that view was there all the time - it was mundane. But now I appreciate it and I thank God for that view every day because, without it, I would have one less thing to be in awe of.

I always think of the saying, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it". Sometimes, in the darkest days, it's really hard to believe that. But, deep down, under all my doubts... I really do believe that Jesus is who he says he is. I believe you now, God.

I see it all now.
I don't know how.
But there's never been a time that You let me down.
Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

'Cause I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

Life's gonna knock me down.
It's not gonna keep me down.
I'm gonna trust You now, in every season.
I know You're here.
I know You're for me.
I know that joy comes in the morning.
God, I believe it now.
God, I believe You now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubMbeFpqzXI

This song really does say it all. 

Charity Flight!

So, this summer, I'm going to do something a lot more adventurous and exciting than my previous events for charity. My dad has a PPL (Private Pilot's License) and when I went to my parents saying I wanted to do something different to raise money for charity, he came up with the idea of getting sponsored to face both of my fears - flying over the ocean and flying a light aircraft with my own hands (and feet). Basically, as long as there's a licensed pilot in the aeroplane and lightly holding the controls, I'm allowed to fly the plane on my own, using all the pedals and buttons and what not on my own. And at the same time, I'm flying out all the way to Lundy Island off the North Devon coast. I know - scary, right!? I'm so terrified for it, even though I know if something goes wrong then dad will easily be able to fix it, but still... it's gonna be so scary.

The charity I'm raising money for is Cancer Research, because my beloved Grandma was unfairly taken by this illness in 2007, and I know they're getting so close to finding a cure. So as they say on all the adverts, "Cancer - I'm coming to get you!", because I am. I'm inviting along anyone who wants to come to the flying school with Dad and I to support me, although it is in Bodmin so I understand if you don't want to come. I'll be opening an online donations page so that if you're in a different county or country you can still donate. It would be seriously appreciated, because I really want to raise as much money as possible. 
      I'm hoping some family and friends will be able to come down with us, as there's a lovely little restaurant there and the people are so hospitable. I'm so excited, but as I said before, I'm also soooo nervous. I'll definitely be taking a lot of pictures, so if you can't come then you can live the magic with me through pictures. 

More details and news on this will come soon, because in the half term that's coming up in just a couple of weeks, dad and I are thinking of doing my first "lesson" on how to fly and work all the dials and controls (eek!). Of course, its weather dependent, but once I've done my first lesson I will probably open my online sponsorship page, and of course take pictures!

I just thought I'd write a blog to let all my friends, family and readers know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I'm hoping to get as many people as possible to donate/sponsor me, and even the smallest amount of money would be appreciated. 
      Thank you so much, and I really hope you can sponsor me to do this. Cancer is unfairly taking so many lives, and I'm sure we all agree that it's time to fight back. Cancer damages every one around us, and I know my Grandma is proud of me for doing this. 

Thank you.

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

That Place

So I have this place where nothing can touch me. Not pain, not heartache, not bullying... not even gravity. It's a place I dream of every day and a place I only really get glimpses of. This place is somewhere personal, but somewhere that reaches out to people close to me when they know I'm there - when they know I'm not letting anything hurt me or bother me. 

By now you're probably wondering where this place is. It's a place I feel I'm in when I dance. When I'm on stage, moving to a piece of music I've been practicing to for months. It's this amazing feeling that nothing is wrong, like nothing can hurt me. When I dance it takes everything bad away and just lets the good in. Getting lost in a dance is the best way to find myself.
      If I think about it when I'm dancing, I can feel my M.E. getting worse and the tiredness coming over me. If I think about it, I can feel my body starting to hurt and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. But none of that matters; instead of letting it hold me back, I allow it to push me further. Because if I continue dancing through the pain and through the tiredness, I feel proud of myself. None of the pain or hurting matters when I'm dancing. 

The reason I'm writing a blog about dancing and how it affects me is because I want to let people know about why I still dance even though I'm really not physically well enough to do it. Dancing is something that stops me from hurting inside even if it makes me hurt more on the outside. And the other day, my mum told me that it fills her with happiness and joy when she sees me dance. That made me more happy than you can ever imagine!

Have you got a passion that helps you through things, even if their may be drawbacks to doing so? I know that one of my best friends has HNPP (fairly similar to M.E.) and gets very achey joints which is terrible. But nothing helps her more than going out and doing some photography; even when she can't really walk, the mental benefits of it outweigh the physical downers.
      I think we all have that place where nothing can touch us, even if you haven't found it yet. For some people it's doing their job and for others its their hobby outside of working life. I think once you've found that place, you'll never be without something to fall back on, or something to help you think things through. 

What's your special place or thing you do when you need time to yourself? Let me know!

Lots of love, 
Ellie xxxxx

Not Me, Not Yet

This song showed up on my Twitter timeline the other day, and something just drew me to listen to it. It was a day I was struggling a lot; with missing someone special, my M.E and a few other things. It was one of those days where I just remember everything bad that's ever been said to me by all different people and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

The lyrics started settling in and I realised this song was perfect for me. 

"Go on and take your sweet time
It's just my heart you set aside
I've done everything I can
Done everything you've asked
Think I'll stand here and wait?
Think I'll fall, think I'll break?
Think I'll give up and forget?
Not me, not yet.

"Stop pretending, I don't care
Comparisons won't get me, they won't get me anywhere
We're all diamonds in the rough
It doesn't matter what you think, I'm good enough."

For those of you who know me personally and know my situation, past and present, you can probably see why this song is so relatable to me. It's a song about not letting people who disapprove of you get you down; its about fighting for your own happiness and your own goals no matter what people think or say or tell you how wrong it is. A lot of things have been said to me and a lot of things have happened to me and also those close to me, and so I think this song sums up what we all must think when things stand in the way of what we want, or sometimes even what we need - whether it be freedom from an argument, accomplishing a dream or just getting through a tough spot. 

I think this song is an inspirational and motivational one.

For when you just keep trying, you keep pushing and you keep doing what things/people ask of you, but it still doesn't seem good enough. For when people try to knock you down and obstacles get in your way.       

      It reminds me to just keep holding on and be faithful that God will sort things out one day. The people you need will come around, and the dreams you aspire to will eventually come true if you believe that you won't just stand there and wait; you won't fall and break; you won't give up and forget... not you, not yet.

Change Is Good

I've been looking back on a lot of old pictures recently and it was weird because I hardly recognised myself. Not just because I looked different but because I was so different in my self as well.

I used to be the kind of girl that wanted things to happen but never actually took action. I was the kind of girl who walked around apologetically with my arms folded and a mind that thought "please no one notice me". The kind of girl who said she didn't want to fit in, but actually, deep down, she really did. I was that girl at school who was picked on at secondary school for my weight and my voice and how I liked to do things. I used to just ignore it and walk on by.
I didn't like myself that much, but I enjoyed life. All I used to want was to be wanted by a boy and be in a cute relationship for years and then grow up to be married.

It makes me smile very bittersweet-ly when I look back on these pictures. I smile happily when I think of the very little amount of issues I had back then, and also when I see all of the family together under one roof - all of us as happy as we can be. But then I also smile sadly because I realise that I'll never be able to go back, but then I kind of figure that even though those times won't come back, the memories will never leave. None of the issues I have in the present day can take away the fact that those times did happen and did exist.

The girl I am now is so much different, and in the past six months I have changed so much. I'm not even sure I know who that girl is from October 2012. I used to be so insecure, I used to hate change and I used to not know what I believed and what I didn't believe. 

Now, I'm the kind of girl who can't live without a little bit of change in my life. I love changing things around. I'm still insecure, but isn't everyone? I like myself a lot more now, and when people hate on me about something, I'm no where near as bothered as I used to be! I'm facing a lot of changes every single day, even if I don't notice it. Things change for every one every second. It may sound like a bad thing, but you should embrace change rather than seeing it as something terrifying. God will never give you a situation that you're not strong enough to handle, so even if you're having to make a huge change in your life that you don't particularly want to make - just remember that there's a bigger purpose. 

This is one thing I wish I knew back then.
One thing I also wish I'd to anyone who ever bullied me was the picture at the very top:
"I'm happy and I'm healthy and if you're hating on me or my weight then you obviously aren't."  - Demi Lovato

Lots of love,
Ellie
x x x 

10 things I hate about you

"I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, 
I hate it when you stare.
 
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme. 

I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry. 

I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all."

You must have seen this movie, right? Well, if you haven't... it's the best movie in the world. Or, one of the best. It's quite old - 1999 - but just... incredible. It's called "10 Things I Hate About You", and this is the poem that the girl reads at the end. 
          Ever since I first saw the movie, this poem has just hit me right in the heart. I think it's so clever, and it made me realise something. 

You can hate a million things about a person, but no matter how much you may want to, you could never actually hate them. You know what that's called? - That's called love. Family, for example. We all hate the way our dads sit and watch football when we want to watch Dancing on Ice or Glee, or the way they can't cook to save their lives (I'm not saying every man does either of these things, so please don't sue me). We all probably hate the way our siblings tease us, and tell tales on us to our parents when we do something wrong - even when sometimes it's them that's done the naughty thing. But at the end of the day, you hate the things about them, but you don't hate them. You can't hate them. 

I think when you hate things about someone, but would do anything for them despite all of it, then it must be love. It could be any type of love, but it's definitely love. Just remember that the next time you go to tell someone that you hate them, because "hate" is a very strong word; and besides, you probably don't even mean it that you hate them. You probably just hate something that they do... but not the actual person. 

Do you see what I'm trying to say?

Sorry it's kinda confusing today... I've been ill for the past few days. 
Until next time, 
Ellie x x x

What's the rush?

When I was a little girl, I saw 3 weddings. My eldest older brother, my Auntie, and then my youngest older brother. At my eldest brother's wedding (David), I remember standing at the front and listening to them say their vows. I was thinking to myself, 'I know exactly how I want my wedding to be. I want the theme to be purple, just like this one, and I want to have it in a little church like this one, too.' 
          Then it came to my Auntie's wedding, and I'd bought this gorgeous dress with buttons sewn on to the ribbons around the shoulders and on the pockets. I can remember exactly where I was standing - in the middle of the church, on the left as you come down the aisle. When my Auntie started walking down the aisle, I got shivers all over my body and I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. She smiled at me, and that's when I turned to look at the groom standing at the other end of the church. I remember seeing how happy he looked, and I always dreamed of someone looking at me just like that when I was walking down the aisle. 
          The last wedding I went to was my youngest-older brother's, back in 2009. I was a bridesmaid, and the thing I remember most was sitting there, watching them say their vows, and we were all close to tears. I just felt so happy, because I could feel the love, just like I could at all the other weddings. 

Every single wedding I've ever been to, I've been planning my special day, whenever that may be (not anytime soon... just making that clear). I've always dreamed of being looked at through the eyes of someone who adored me; someone who loved me no matter what. 

But what I've come to realise, is that I'm only 14. Most girls my age are fretting if they don't have a boyfriend or don't have a million likes from boys on their Facebook profile picture. It makes me so sad seeing some of my closest friends so desperate to be loved, yet they don't realise that a different kind of love is all around them. I see so many girls that I know spending all their time dreaming of someone coming up to them and kissing them under the moonlight and telling them how much they love them. I'll admit, I used to do this (please don't hold that against me). But now I've realised that I have so much more potential, and I have so much more I can do in my life than dating the most gorgeous guy in this town or holding hands with someone as I walk down the street. I don't want to waste my teenage years just wanting to be wanted... I want to make a difference and make the most of not having to worry about things like bills and stuff like that. 
      I'm only 14... what's the rush? Most of relationships at this age don't last anyway, because people end up going their seperate ways. I have bigger dreams than just dating someone at this age. Yeah, my dreams may include having a husband and a family but I'm only 14... I don't need one quite yet.

This is something I wish girls would think of and act like. If you're a girl my age and reading this... please understand what I'm trying to say! I'm not saying I don't want to be loved and I'm definitely not shunning teenage relationships. I'm just saying that I wish that rather than spending all our time wanting to be wanted, we should just live our lives how we want until that special someone comes along. And then, after all the waiting, it'll be worth it. Well worth it.

"When all you wanted was to be wanted, 
wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now." 

I'm so glad I realised this before it was too late, because now I won't wish I could go back and tell myself this in a few years to come. I just wish I could tell this to everyone.

♥

Imperfections

Imperfections are the only things that stop us from having full confidence in ourselves. We all have the things we hate about ourselves: maybe it's your tummy, your feet, your hair... your chin!? - I know the last one is definitely true for me... and pretty much the rest of the things on that list. 
          But the thing is, when we look at ourselves in the mirror, our eyes go straight to our least favoured part. For example (I'll be honest here), when I look in the mirror, I don't exactly look at my favourite part of my body - my eyes, do I? No. I look at my legs, my tummy, my chin... the list goes on. And that sounds awful, because I know a lot of my close friends would say, "But Ellie, you're beautiful!"... but if we're all being honest, we all do it. 

But what I want to talk about is why on earth do we do this!? Surely in the olden days, when women wore gorgeous floor-length dresses and high hair, they didn't look in the mirror and think 'oh my, my hair is just too flat today' or 'my cheeks are way to fat. That's all people will notice'... please tell me they didn't? When we see other people, we don't instantly pick up on only their flaws (well, not all the time...), right? So why do we do it to ourselves? 

At the end of the day, what matters is what's underneath. I know that as a teenager these days (and no doubt every past generation of teens), your image is the most important thing. I used to spend hours putting makeup on, doing my hair, dying my hair to fit the trend, spending money on clothes that I never ended up wearing because they were so uncomfortable. But what I've come to realize is that showing off your imperfections can actually turn them in to assets. 
          A good example of what I've realized is that I used to hate my feet. They are really wide and short and I have strange-looking toes. I found it really hard to find shoes as a kid because of my silly high instep and high arches. But I've been dancing all my life, and when I started Pointe work (dancing on your toes) in Ballet, I realised that my high instep and high arches were actually a gift. My dance teacher would say that I have feet that many professional Ballet dancers would be envious of... and I used to say "that's crazy - why on earth would you want my feet!?" But now I realise it...

God makes us the way we are for a reason. God gave me those strange feet with high insteps, because they were made for dancing. Dancing is a huge part of my life and I have great feet for it, which makes me sound like an arrogant annoying person but I promise, I am anything but sure of myself!
What that example was trying to prove was that you're made the way you are for a reason. Some people may look at my chin and think "wow, that's pointy enough to poke an eye out", but other people may think it's beautiful (not that I understand why they would think that). Imperfections are what make us beautiful, individual, and perfect in unusual ways. 

Sometimes I wish I'd spent less time pointing out my imperfections, and more time thinking of how they make me different and beautiful. 

Until next time, lots of love. 
Ellie x x