Come, Give me Wings

"I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands
 
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me"

This week/past few weeks have really quite horrible to me. I've had a cold for a week, and my M.E. just took a seriously big blow at me and now I'm on the sofa not moving or talking. It's so discouraging when this happens, and it's really hard to keep my faith. Really, really, really hard. I think this has been the hardest few weeks of my life. It sounds so over-exaggerated; I wish it was. 
It sometimes seems like no amount of praying, no amount of begging for my life and health back, is making a difference. I just want to get out and live, but most importantly, I want to make a difference in the world. That's all I want to do. I really don't know what else I'd do with my life, besides helping people. Especially seeing as it's Christmas time. The problem is,  I'm so ill at the moment, I can't do anything, let alone get out and make a difference. It's really disheartening and makes me feel so defeated. 

But, I'll continue to pray and I'll continue to fight. 

This song just says everything. I chose to post the acoustic version because I feel that it's a lot more raw, emotional and true. The lyrics are so beautiful, and give me shivers because I just want God to use me. I feel like I'm so ready to be doing something, even something small, to help someone or something. 
      Use me, Lord. Use me in my sleep, use me in my blog, use me in my music, use me in my dance, use me in my smile. Give me the health to help. I want to make a difference to someone's life. I want to let the broken know there's healing, once I've found it myself. I want to feed the hungry children. 
Take my dreams, come and give them wings. 

I beg the Lord every night that he will use me in some way one day. I'll continue to beg. I'll never give up, because it's what I want to do. 
I think this is the most honest blog I've ever written. I've shown how defeated I feel at the moment, and I've never really written that in my blog before. 
      But even though I feel defeated, at the lowest of lows, I'm going to keep going. I'm not a quitter anymore, I don't give up just like that. I'll keep going. I'll keep waiting for God to use me. 

I wish you all an amazing rest of the weekend, and hope it continues in to next week. Love all round xx   

Thank you♥

Yesterday, in America, it was Thanksgiving. Of course I live in England, and we don't celebrate it over here; but I think it's such a great holiday and I wish we did celebrate it here. It's a time to get all your friends and family together and give thanks for everything you have in life. 
      I thought that maybe, in honour of the holiday, I'd make a post about everything I'm thankful for. Things can be tough, but there's always the same things I'm thankful for that stay there and, hopefully, won't change. 

My family. 
I would post a picture of all the people I'm thankful for in my family, but I can't because there's so many of them! I have a huge extended family since my uncle re-married, and I love every single one of them. We're not majorly close, but I still love it when we get together and see each other as we all get along so well. 
My closer family, such as my mum and dad, brothers and their wives and little girl, etc. They've all always been there for me when I needed them most and I couldn't be more thankful for that. I love my family so much. I couldn't live without any of them. We laugh with each other, we cry with each other. It's always been that way. I love them so much.

My best friends.
I only have a few very, very best friends and I'm thankful for every one of them. 

 This is me and three of my best friends at my birthday meal earlier this year.(Our eyes all look slightly strange in this photo... because of the effect!)

On the left, next to me, is Chloe. Chloe and I have been friends since the beginning of year seven, right at the start, and we've had our ups and downs but I still love her to bits. I don't get to see her as often as I used to, but whenever I see her we just don't stop laughing. Literally. She's hilarious and we have such fun. 

On the right, opposite Chloe(and below), is Beth. 
  

 Beth and I have been friends since playgroup. We've always been best friends and have been through every single stage of our lives together. We had our arguments when we were younger, but we're close now even though we can't see each other as often as we'd like. Beth is awesome - she's hilarious, beautiful inside and out, and I know I can always count on her. 

At the front on the right is Rosie. 

  Rosie has been my friend since before I was even born!! I've known her for as long as I can remember and we got even closer when we were 13 and 15 and going through similar things. We just don't stop laughing when we're together, but we can be serious when we need to as well. This photo is from my birthday/Easter and we were overjoyed with the amount of chocolate we had. 

 This is Kathryn (left) and Becca (right), and their dog Masie. These girls are fabulous. I love them so much - they're hilarious but also the most down to earth, sensitive and caring girls I've ever met. I can always count on them, and when I get to see them I just have such an awesome time. 

It's Alice. I've known her since I was born, just like Rosie, and in fact Rosie, Alice and I used to play together all the time. I'm very close to Alice. She is a wonderful girl and I know that God is going to do some amazing things with her. She's always there to come and see me whenever I need her, but we also laugh hysterically at the craziest things. 

Finally, it's my friend in America, Angel. I don't have any photos of us together... which is so annoying! I video chat with her as much as I can, and she's always, always there for me when I need her. She always knows what to say. I can rant to her or anything and all she cares about is that I'm telling someone, not keeping it to myself. We laugh together and fangirl together and I know that she was brought to me by God. 

Thank you my amazing friends, and to all the ones I haven't mentioned here. I miss all the friends I don't talk to much anymore - you know who you are, whether you're from my primary school or you live all the way around the other side of the world - and I'm forever thankful for everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be here without you.


My pets.

 

This is Tigger. He is crazy, irritating, funny, gentle, fussy, sweet, grumpy, but most of all he's my little darling. He may annoy me more than anything sometimes but I love him so much and he really has got a heart of gold in there.

This is Zeus. He's the most awesome dog I've ever met and I absolutely adore him. He's gorgeous, cute, fluffy, sensitive, obedient, sort of annoying, smelly but cuddly and he always knows when to be crazy and when to be calm. He can be a bit dim sometimes, but that just makes him Zeus. He's extremely big, but he really is a gentle giant. We can always trust him with any situation and he just rocks!! You gotta love Zeus. 

Not forgetting our chickens, of course... I don't have a picture of them to share with you, but their names are Charlotte, Florence and Connie. Their eggs are so delicious and they are so great to just sit and watch. There's nothing more relaxing than sitting and just watching chickens. Does that sound weird? I don't think it does. Maybe it does... i don't know... aaaanywayyyyy...

My house.

I'm so thankful for our beautiful home and the view it has. Seriously... it's incredible. We've been so blessed with this house and I'm so thankful I've been able to grow up in a gorgeous place like this. 

Dance (and the girlies at dance).

I always look forward to dance every Monday night. Not just because it's dancing, either, but because we just have such a good time. It's been a fab term these last few weeks because two classes have been combined and I've made some new friends and it's all brilliant. Dancing is in my blood, and I'm glad I get to share dance with my friends. You know who you are lovelies. 

Music

Music is always there when nothing else is. Have you ever noticed that? I just think it's cool how there's a song for every single mood and every single situation. It's a brilliant, wonderful thing, music. I'm so grateful to be able to have music to listen to, but also to have the ability to write music of my own. 

All my friends I haven't mentioned. 

Some other friends I have that I'm not as close to as the ones I've mentioned here - I'm thankful for you too. All my friends on Facebook who support me in every hard situation and also every good one. I'm so glad I have you guys. Thank you.

Everyone who reads my blog.

I think it's so weird yet wonderful how people want to read what I have to say. I'm always so astounded when my blog posts get over 10 views; I'm like, "What!? You guys are so cool!". So, if you're reading this now... thanks!! I'm glad you like to read what goes on in my crazy life/wild heart. 

All in all... I'm so blessed to have all of these things/people, and more. Thank you, God, for everything we have and everyone we know. 

What are you thankful for? 

One of my Passions

Lately I've really been having the urge and the desire to help people. I don't know why, but I just feel the need to help people and animals; I always have. I've always wanted to volunteer in places, ever since I was a little girl. I've always raised money for charity and always wanted to make other people happy. 

I want to put my extreme passion in to making a difference in the world. 
      I want to share God's word; I want to help young girls to get through self esteem issues and help them get through problems; I want to help animals... I want to do so many things in this world. I think that helping people is where my passion lies, really. All my dancing, my song-writing and my blogs all boil down to wanting to help people. I want to help people find help in dancing, save people with music and inspire people with my blog. 

There's a Britt Nicole interview that I watched once, and she was saying how once she asked God what her purpose in life was - and he just said "to love". After hearing this, I really, firmly believe that my purpose in life is also to love, to help people. I've always had a passion for it. 

I'm constantly praying to God to give me ideas and ways to help, inspire, encourage. Even the tiniest things and ideas I just love doing - it's almost like, providing for other people is  what gives me air in my lungs and what keeps me going everyday. 
      That's why, when people message me saying that my blogs have really inspired or helped them (you know who you are!), I get so happy and know that I can go to sleep that night with the knowledge that I have helped someone... even if it's just in the slightest way.

There have been so many people in my life that have inspired me. Some are people I know personally and some are celebrities. Either way, they've all helped shape me in to the person I am today. I hope that, one day, I can help people in the same way that these people  have helped me. I hope I become an inspiration for someone out there, that I can keep them going for as long as they need it, because if I can save one person's life, then my life will be made. 

I'll keep praying for my chance to change the world, to help people. Until the opportunity arises, I'll help in a smaller way whenever I can.

"When you get the chance, are you gonna take it? 

There's a really big world at your fingertips, 

and you know you have the chance to change it." 

♥

Autumn...

So it's already the middle of September. How did that happen!? It seems like two minutes ago I was in Scotland back in February when I first started my blog. That was seven months ago... that's crazy. 

This year, I really have been on a crazy journey. Although sometimes it feels like I haven't moved forward at all, I actually have. Maybe not in terms of my M.E., but in myself I have moved on quite a bit. 

I love Autumn. I love the leaves turning from shades of green to shades of reds, oranges, yellows and golds. There's nothing more satisfying than going on a long walk, wrapped in coats scarves and gloves, standing on golden leaves that crunch under your feet. I remember when I was in primary school, mum and I would drive through the back lanes every morning and when it came to autumn, the trees surrounding us would look so gorgeous that we just wished we could stop and stay there all day to take in the beauty.

I love a lot of things about Autumn. My favourite month of the year is October, because it's when we're really in the depths of Autumn and the leaves are all reds and oranges, conkers are everywhere and so are pine cones. I just love the feeling of the air in Autumn... I've always loved it ever since I was little!
      I look forward to dark mornings and darker evenings, where you can sit by the fire in warm pyjamas watching favourite movies and clutching mugs of hot chocolate. I love how the mornings turn colder so you can see your breath, and the grass is dewy when you leave for school or work. 

At primary school, we sang a song called "Autumn days" in assembly in Autumn, and it was always my favourite song because it just said everything we all love about Autumn! I know, I know - I was a strange child, but who doesn't love Autumn?

What are your plans for Autumn? 

Love, Ellie
xxx

Who You Say You Are...

I'm currently sat in my room, on a beautiful evening with my window open because it's really warm in here. I'm looking straight ahead at my bare wall which has just been stripped of a fitted wardrobe, so it's messy, tatty and full of lots of little holes where the nails have been. So many memories have been crammed in to this room as I've lived in this room for 14 years of my life (one year was spent in a different room). 

We have just got back from a two week holiday to Cornwall, and I'm very tired. In fact, "tired" doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm exhausted. Exhausted to the point of barely being able to type and just wanting to sleep, but not being able to because of my illness. I realise that many people face illnesses like this, and it's horrible. But I don't want to focus on the negatives; I want to focus on the positives in everything, because I feel like that's what my blog is all about. That's what my blog should be about, because I'm on my journey to finding myself and being positive about as much as possible.

I believe that there is a positive in every situation. Sometimes, it's really hard to see it. Really hard. And believe me, I know all about that. But I feel like, as the girl I am now, I've learned - I'm learning - to see something positive in every negative. All of the horrible stuff that we, as a family, have been through over the past few years has been really, really tough, but I feel it's also made us stronger; closer, even. When bad things happen, families have to stick together. It's tough, but that's what we've had to learn to do, and we're coming out stronger for it. 
      It's like that old saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't it? It really is true. 
      I believe that, if I hadn't got M.E. as an 11 year old girl, I woudn't be the optimistic, mature girl I am today. I wouldn't have learned to appreciate things in life - like the beautiful view I have from my living room window, or the amazing house I have. You see, because I'm housebound a lot of the time, I've had to learn to appreciate these things. If I can't get out to the beach because I'm having a bad day, I can look out of my window and see this gorgeous view of the sea and appreciate it, because sometimes that's as close as I'll get. When I was little and full of energy, that view was there all the time - it was mundane. But now I appreciate it and I thank God for that view every day because, without it, I would have one less thing to be in awe of.

I always think of the saying, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it". Sometimes, in the darkest days, it's really hard to believe that. But, deep down, under all my doubts... I really do believe that Jesus is who he says he is. I believe you now, God.

I see it all now.
I don't know how.
But there's never been a time that You let me down.
Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

'Cause I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

Life's gonna knock me down.
It's not gonna keep me down.
I'm gonna trust You now, in every season.
I know You're here.
I know You're for me.
I know that joy comes in the morning.
God, I believe it now.
God, I believe You now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubMbeFpqzXI

This song really does say it all. 

Looking Back

On Saturday I performed at my Primary School's Country Fair. It was 25 degree heat and full of so much action. I met my best friend, Beth, who was with some of her friends from school and also one of our friends from primary school. It was always Beth, our other friend Carly and I at primary school. We were Triple-Trouble. 

It was the first time I'd been to that school in three years. 

As I was stood there, about to perform, it took me back to year 6 when I performed in the summer Fayre talent show back in 2009. 2009! I can't believe that's how long ago it was. I remember exactly how I was feeling that day because it was like a week before our last day, and the day after our last day we were headed off to Texas for two weeks. I was excited, nervous and sad all at the same time. 
      I wasn't nervous at all for performing back then, because these people at the school were my family and had seen me perform since I was tiny. But this time, I was so nervous, and I didn't realise why until I came home that day. I realised it was because so much had changed since I'd been there, and it all felt so different and almost unsettling to be there performing in front of people I only just recognised and barely knew anymore. 
      Even though I was nervous, as soon as I started singing I started getting comfortable. I spotted my God sister, Alice and her mum and dad sat there with huge smiles on their faces watching me. Then I noticed my friend and her friends watching me like they cared and then there was my mum and dad who just had that same "we love you" look on their faces they always do when I perform. I started settling in again, and it felt like I was back home. 
It was actually very emotional to be back there, performing, because everything had changed since the last time I sang there 4 whole years ago. It was all a whirlwind, but so nice to be back home where everything began and I started finding who I was.

Halfway through performing, 3 boys walked in, and I had to do a double take (which must have looked funny as I was singing!). It took me a few moments to realise who it was - three boys me and my two best friends used to be in a little "crew" with back in the year 6 days. They were so grown up, so tall and so different, but when we hung out together for a while afterwards I learned that they're still the same nice, crazy guys I knew back when I was 11. 

Looking back, I realise I was so different and so was everything at that school. But even though things have changed drastically, and we're all living our separate lives, I know that whenever we come back together or go back to the place we grew up, things just pick up where they left off. 
      I was talking to my God sister today and I was saying to her how my primary school years were the best years of my life so far. Its nice to know that I'll always have those memories to think back on to pick me up when I'm down. It's also nice to know that the people there, and the people who were there with me, will always be there to support me and welcome me back as if nothing changed.

Things

I think we all have little things that make us happy. Whether it be in the garden, out on your favourite walk, in your house or somewhere you go on holiday. 
      I haven't written a blog in what seems like forever and I decided to write one about the little things that make our days better and brighter. Do you have an item in your house, or even a room, that you could just look at forever? - Something that fills you with a warmth and joy every time you see it? I know I do, and most of these things lie at home. 

Home is my place of comfort and warmth. It's the place where, all my life, I've looked forward to going back to after a long day at school or on a rainy, cold school trip. I remember when I was little, I hated school trips because it always seemed to rain on the trips that were outdoors, and was sunny when we had an indoor trip (that's just the way England works though, isn't it?). I can remember a specific trip we went on that was an outdoor adventure type thing. We had to do archery, bike riding, orienteering and an outdoor puzzle solving thing. From the minute I got on that little mini bus that morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day; the bus had ripped fabric all along the edges of the ceiling and the seats were revealing almost all of the yellow foam inside. It smelt of a mixture of tuna sandwiches and sick - my two worst things. 

I recall it being damp, dark and dingy at our "base" where we ate lunch and left our bags. It was raining, and we'd been told to take lots of different changes of clothes: waterproofs, cool clothes, more waterproofs, trainers, sandals - you know, the usuals. It was a freezing, damp, horrible day that ended with swimming in a cold pool with freezing, damp "changing rooms" which were really just four brick walls with a hook on one of them, and they called it a changing room. The lucky boys didn't need a changing room, because back then it seemed that girls where the ones who always got evicted when needing to change in private. 

Anyway, the point of this is that the whole day when I was there, feeling completely lonely and miserable, I couldn't wait to go home. I can vividly remember, that when I was doing all the horrid activities, I knew my mum would be waiting at home for me with a run bath, gorgeous smelling shampoo, a yummy dinner and some fresh homemade cakes. Mum was always prepared for everything (she still is), and always seemed to know how I'd be feeling when I got home from something, especially a school trip on a rainy day in a damp swamp. 
      As I'd expected, she was waiting at home with exactly the right things ready. She knew I'd be muddy, so I hopped in the shower and then she hastily ran me a nice hot bath before making my favourite meal finished with a delicious desert, no doubt. 

All I used to think on these school trips, and anything I didn't like, in fact, was coming home; the fact that soon, I'd be wrapped up in my duvet watching TV on the sofa with a hot chocolate and some toast with Nutella. 

My favourite things these days are things like these: 

One of my favourite plants in my garden - a pink rose we planted in memory of my Grandma. It brightens my day whenever I see it.

These daisy-like flowers also make my day brighter. Aren't they cute?

Seeing my gorgeous bed every day makes me happy. It's so colourful and flowery that it just reminds me of why I love flowers and pink and anything vintage. I also love my day bed. It's perfect.

 Seeing these shells on my windowsil reminds me of the dreams I used to have of mermaids and dolphins. I love the ocean, and it always makes me think of how one day I'll travel and see the incredible beaches that God has created.

My lanterns also make me smile. They were a spontaneous buy on a trip to a local quirky town near me and I just love looking at them every day. 

So what are your things that make your life just that little bit brighter? I know we all have them. 

Until next time, 

Ellie xxxx

Roundabouts and Rollercoasters

It suddenly occurred to me the other day that it's almost half term, which means I only have 7 or 8 weeks left of year 10 before summer starts. At first, I get exited and thank goodness that I'm almost one year closer to getting out of GCSEs and this stage in my life forever. But then I remember what I always used to say to mum when I first started playing The Sims. I would say to her, "Wouldn't it be cool if you could fast forward time in real life just like you can in Sims?" And she said to me, "No, because I don't want to fast forward through things. I want things to stay as they are for as long as possible." 
      At the time, when I was 6 or 7, I would be confused because I'd love the idea of being able to fast forward through boring things like school or horrible times like falling out with friends. Even now, I'd still love to do that sometimes. But then I remember what my mum said. 

Having my future so close I could almost touch it just makes me so nervous, excited and happy all at the same time. When we were in Yorkshire a couple of months ago, I remember thinking to myself that next year, when we're back in the same place again, things could be so different. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to be next March/April when I turn 16. And as daunting as that is, I love that feeling! I love having faith in God and where he's taking me and although there are so many hard things to deal with in life, the future really is what you make of it. 
"Instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong, start thinking of all the things that'll go right." 

Today I woke up and my M.E. has taken a massive blow at me. I've been lying down pretty much all day because I feel quite ill and so exhausted, and this cold just doesn't seem to be going away. I felt so fed up because despite my cold, this past week or so I've been doing a lot better; and then all of a sudden I come crashing down. It's happened to me a few times before and I could see it coming, but I'm always too naive to believe it's going to happen again. 

But all day today, I've had the song "Warrior" By Demi Lovato in my head. This song sums up everything I tell myself and how I feel about my M.E. and about every other struggle. Every single line just reminds me to be positive and hang in there, and believe that things will one day get better, because they will. Like the picture at the top says - I have no idea what's going to happen... and I love it! 
      So instead of thinking negatively on the fact that things could go wrong any minute, embrace the rollercoaster that is life and don't forget to smile. 

Love, 
Ellie xxxx  

Change Is Good

I've been looking back on a lot of old pictures recently and it was weird because I hardly recognised myself. Not just because I looked different but because I was so different in my self as well.

I used to be the kind of girl that wanted things to happen but never actually took action. I was the kind of girl who walked around apologetically with my arms folded and a mind that thought "please no one notice me". The kind of girl who said she didn't want to fit in, but actually, deep down, she really did. I was that girl at school who was picked on at secondary school for my weight and my voice and how I liked to do things. I used to just ignore it and walk on by.
I didn't like myself that much, but I enjoyed life. All I used to want was to be wanted by a boy and be in a cute relationship for years and then grow up to be married.

It makes me smile very bittersweet-ly when I look back on these pictures. I smile happily when I think of the very little amount of issues I had back then, and also when I see all of the family together under one roof - all of us as happy as we can be. But then I also smile sadly because I realise that I'll never be able to go back, but then I kind of figure that even though those times won't come back, the memories will never leave. None of the issues I have in the present day can take away the fact that those times did happen and did exist.

The girl I am now is so much different, and in the past six months I have changed so much. I'm not even sure I know who that girl is from October 2012. I used to be so insecure, I used to hate change and I used to not know what I believed and what I didn't believe. 

Now, I'm the kind of girl who can't live without a little bit of change in my life. I love changing things around. I'm still insecure, but isn't everyone? I like myself a lot more now, and when people hate on me about something, I'm no where near as bothered as I used to be! I'm facing a lot of changes every single day, even if I don't notice it. Things change for every one every second. It may sound like a bad thing, but you should embrace change rather than seeing it as something terrifying. God will never give you a situation that you're not strong enough to handle, so even if you're having to make a huge change in your life that you don't particularly want to make - just remember that there's a bigger purpose. 

This is one thing I wish I knew back then.
One thing I also wish I'd to anyone who ever bullied me was the picture at the very top:
"I'm happy and I'm healthy and if you're hating on me or my weight then you obviously aren't."  - Demi Lovato

Lots of love,
Ellie
x x x 

10 things I hate about you

"I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, 
I hate it when you stare.
 
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme. 

I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry. 

I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all."

You must have seen this movie, right? Well, if you haven't... it's the best movie in the world. Or, one of the best. It's quite old - 1999 - but just... incredible. It's called "10 Things I Hate About You", and this is the poem that the girl reads at the end. 
          Ever since I first saw the movie, this poem has just hit me right in the heart. I think it's so clever, and it made me realise something. 

You can hate a million things about a person, but no matter how much you may want to, you could never actually hate them. You know what that's called? - That's called love. Family, for example. We all hate the way our dads sit and watch football when we want to watch Dancing on Ice or Glee, or the way they can't cook to save their lives (I'm not saying every man does either of these things, so please don't sue me). We all probably hate the way our siblings tease us, and tell tales on us to our parents when we do something wrong - even when sometimes it's them that's done the naughty thing. But at the end of the day, you hate the things about them, but you don't hate them. You can't hate them. 

I think when you hate things about someone, but would do anything for them despite all of it, then it must be love. It could be any type of love, but it's definitely love. Just remember that the next time you go to tell someone that you hate them, because "hate" is a very strong word; and besides, you probably don't even mean it that you hate them. You probably just hate something that they do... but not the actual person. 

Do you see what I'm trying to say?

Sorry it's kinda confusing today... I've been ill for the past few days. 
Until next time, 
Ellie x x x

What's the rush?

When I was a little girl, I saw 3 weddings. My eldest older brother, my Auntie, and then my youngest older brother. At my eldest brother's wedding (David), I remember standing at the front and listening to them say their vows. I was thinking to myself, 'I know exactly how I want my wedding to be. I want the theme to be purple, just like this one, and I want to have it in a little church like this one, too.' 
          Then it came to my Auntie's wedding, and I'd bought this gorgeous dress with buttons sewn on to the ribbons around the shoulders and on the pockets. I can remember exactly where I was standing - in the middle of the church, on the left as you come down the aisle. When my Auntie started walking down the aisle, I got shivers all over my body and I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. She smiled at me, and that's when I turned to look at the groom standing at the other end of the church. I remember seeing how happy he looked, and I always dreamed of someone looking at me just like that when I was walking down the aisle. 
          The last wedding I went to was my youngest-older brother's, back in 2009. I was a bridesmaid, and the thing I remember most was sitting there, watching them say their vows, and we were all close to tears. I just felt so happy, because I could feel the love, just like I could at all the other weddings. 

Every single wedding I've ever been to, I've been planning my special day, whenever that may be (not anytime soon... just making that clear). I've always dreamed of being looked at through the eyes of someone who adored me; someone who loved me no matter what. 

But what I've come to realise, is that I'm only 14. Most girls my age are fretting if they don't have a boyfriend or don't have a million likes from boys on their Facebook profile picture. It makes me so sad seeing some of my closest friends so desperate to be loved, yet they don't realise that a different kind of love is all around them. I see so many girls that I know spending all their time dreaming of someone coming up to them and kissing them under the moonlight and telling them how much they love them. I'll admit, I used to do this (please don't hold that against me). But now I've realised that I have so much more potential, and I have so much more I can do in my life than dating the most gorgeous guy in this town or holding hands with someone as I walk down the street. I don't want to waste my teenage years just wanting to be wanted... I want to make a difference and make the most of not having to worry about things like bills and stuff like that. 
      I'm only 14... what's the rush? Most of relationships at this age don't last anyway, because people end up going their seperate ways. I have bigger dreams than just dating someone at this age. Yeah, my dreams may include having a husband and a family but I'm only 14... I don't need one quite yet.

This is something I wish girls would think of and act like. If you're a girl my age and reading this... please understand what I'm trying to say! I'm not saying I don't want to be loved and I'm definitely not shunning teenage relationships. I'm just saying that I wish that rather than spending all our time wanting to be wanted, we should just live our lives how we want until that special someone comes along. And then, after all the waiting, it'll be worth it. Well worth it.

"When all you wanted was to be wanted, 
wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now." 

I'm so glad I realised this before it was too late, because now I won't wish I could go back and tell myself this in a few years to come. I just wish I could tell this to everyone.

♥

Sparks Fly

I was watching a movie the other day called "The Accidental Husband". There's a part in it towards the end where the woman says to someone, "let me tell you something about sparks. Sparks cause fires and fires will burn your house down, so if you keep searching for good old Sparky, you're sure to get burned."
That quote just said something to me (so much that I later wrote it in to a song). People spend so much time and effort waiting for a spark, waiting to feel some danger or something edgy about a relationship. I think that sometimes, the sparkiest of relationships can also be the ones that hurt the most. If a relationship - any type, not just a romantic one - has sparks, there's got to be some sort of fire just waiting to catch.

It made me think for a while after seeing that movie for the first time - there are different types of sparks. There's the good spark that makes you feel happy, comfortable and safe; even if it catches fire, it's pretty easy to extinguish with some TLC and a fire blanket. But then there's the amazing, huge, obvious and bittersweet spark that makes a relationship feel on-the-edge, happy and sad at the same time. These are the sparks that get you burned, because unlike a spark ignite on a cooker, it's not controlled. It's the kind of spark that happens when a plug overheats and sets on fire. You can't stop it from happening because once you've fallen for that person... you've fallen.  

 It made me realise that heartbreaks are just like being burned; it will leave a scar for the rest of your life, but will eventually get better with time. Love is flammable, and you've got to be careful when handling it, otherwise it'll go up in flames. 
      It brings me to the song "State of Grace" by Taylor Swift, in which there is a line that says "Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right". This line sums up what I'm trying to say, because it's true - love IS a ruthless game, but if you play it right and treat each other well, you might just be able to stop the flames from submerging everything. I have to remember that in all kinds of relationships, whether it's family, friendship or love-love (not that I have a boyfriend, I'm just imagining here, people). I have to remind myself to play things good and right, and always be careful when having an argument, because once you've said something... you can't take it back.