Always There

A long time ago I wrote a blog called "light". It was a blog about looking to God during hard times, and remembering to do so; and I just want to re-instate that now in this blog post.
      I can remember saying, "When things are looking down in life, the last thing we think of doing is looking up." 
      And a few days ago I was lying in bed just thinking about this sentence. I know a few people this may relate to, and I know how easy it is to go on and panic, despair or be scared in a situation and completely forget to look to God for help, security and reassurance. 
Sometimes, we search for reassurance from other things during hard times, like addictions, approval from other people, etc. I know this myself all too well, but I've learned to come through that and  have 'trained' myself, almost, to make God my first port of call in all situations. I'm not saying it's easy - I'm really not - but I'm saying it's worth it! 

The reason the old blog was called "light" was because there's a song by Britt Nicole called "Feel The Light", and it's about letting go and feeling the light. 
      I feel like someone reading this right now, whether it's on the day I post it or a year later, needs to be reminded to look to God. Let go of the bad stuff, let go of your past, let go of someone keeping you from moving on, let go of addictions - let go of all that and feel the light God is shining down for you. 
      It's really, really easy to forget about God in bad situations, and I know that sounds terrible but we all know it's true. I think sometimes, our initial reaction is to panic, start to think the worst or over-think too much. A while ago, if a bad situation arose, I wouldn't think of praying; I'd think of panicking and worrying and turning to other things. 
      But now God has taken over all of that and He is always in my thoughts.

It's easy to praise God, think of Him and thank Him in good situations; but it's really hard to praise Him, think of Him and thank Him in a hard situation. But it doesn't have to be that way for you anymore; it doesn't have to be so difficult to live. You don't have to life this life alone - He is always with you. Even when you don't know it, even when you're not thinking about it, He is there. Try to never forget that, and try to let it all go. 
      Leave it all behind and come to Jesus. Whatever is on your heart or on your mind right now, let it go, and feel the light. I don't know what you might be facing, but God does, and He's here; He's with you. 

Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (NLT)


Search for him in the darkest times, search for him and feel the light when everything is falling apart... find him on your knees. All it takes is one little bit of Jesus to bring hope where you are... he's coming straight for your heart, tonight, right now. Believe it and take hope because He is here. 

Psalm 31:24
Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
 Expect God to get here soon.


 

 Kari Jobe - Find You On My Knees

Britt Nicole - Straight For Your Heart

Happy Birthday Blog!

It's a year ago yesterday that I started writing this blog. Can you believe that? My first blog was called Starting Out, and when I read it back I can't believe how different I was. I was worried that when I started my blog, people would read it and think I was weird. Now? I couldn't care less. I really, really don't care if people think it's weird.
      I love my blog - I love having a say in the world, sharing my thoughts, my story, my hope, my musings. It never fails to amaze me that people actually care to read what I have to say. How cool is that!? People have watched me grow through my words, my thoughts and my actions. Thank you so much if you've been reading my blogs - whether you've been here from the very beginning or since yesterday, I still really, truly appreciate it. 

My blogs used to be all about my musings and things I wanted to get out there. It was things that made me seem wise and in-the-know. But after a while, I decided I wanted my blog to be more personal. I wanted to share my story and make this an honest space people could come to and instantly feel like they know me like a friend; because, really, I'd love to be friends with all of you. 

This is just a short blog to thank you for joining me on my journey. I love sharing it with you all. I can't believe it's been a year! I've grown so much as a person and I'm so thankful for that. 

Lots of love to you all,

Ellie xxxx

This Time Last Year...

Seeing as I'm still not feeling well, I decided to do something different that didn't take too much energy. I went on to my (main) Twitter account and scrolled through right back to this time last year. 

I found a tweet from December 9th, 2012, saying "Thanks to my God sister for taking me to church today. Loved it!". Which means that, yesterday, it was a year ago I was rescued by the Lord. I was picked up, saved, rescued. I can remember standing there in the middle of the church, hearing hundreds of strangers sing and worship around me. My God sister, Alice, was raising her hands in worship and so was my mum. It all seemed alien to me, as it had been years since I'd been to a church and months since I'd last prayed. 
      I remember how I felt, getting ready for church that morning. I was broken and lost, tired and confused. Alice had stayed over the night before and we'd had a four hour catch up in the afternoon, because we were home alone. Alice and I hadn't spoken properly until I broke up with my boyfriend in the November of last year, and on this day - the 8th of December 2012 - we sat and talked, and talked, and talked. For hours. 
      I wasn't going to go to this new church the next morning, because I was too tired and scared of knocking myself out for the week ahead. But somehow Alice managed to convince me to go. 

So, there I was that morning, getting ready to walk in to the unknown. I remember sitting at my dressing table and straightening my hair, feeling nervous for some reason. I was sad from a break-up, tired with my M.E., and in a really bad, scary place. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. Mum and Alice told me that I looked nice, and then we set off.
The minute I walked in to this huge church, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there were. Alice new everyone, which made me want to be like her - grown up; a Girl of God. 
People worshiped, people preached and spoke everything I needed to hear. All of a sudden, I just had this desire to be like everyone around me - I wanted to worship with all my heart and soul... I wanted to believe what I was singing. Right then, in that moment at church, I was rescued. I didn't know it at the time, but I was saved. 

I'll always be thankful to Alice for taking me to that service. 

Here I am now, a year later, still not perfect. My M.E. may be worse this year, but my God is still with me, and I know that now. I have my days of doubt, I have bad thoughts, but I have a saviour and I've let him in, finally. It was the best decision I ever made, going to church that Sunday. I'm rescued, I'm saved. 
      It's such an awesome thought that just one morning at church changed my life. When I have a bad day, I pray now, instead of wallowing in sadness. When I feel exhausted, I trust in God. I don't think there's any words to explain how much happier I am now than I was this time last year. Even though the circumstances may be worse than they were last year... I'm still happier, somehow. I've always been a Christian, but now I'm a Girl of God, too. I've taken time to apologise for things I've done, and I've wiped the slate clean with the help of Jesus. I'm alive because Jesus lived. I'm here today because of the love of Jesus. 

"You're the God who sees, 
The God who rescued me."

How great his love for me? How do I explain how great it is to be rescued like I was a year ago? I can't believe it was a year ago. I really can't. 

 When I was younger, this song was just something that people sang in church. I only sang it, because that's what I knew. But now I sing it because God is so, so, so incredibly good. This song means something now. Everything means something now. 

I'm a warrior.

Performing

In a week's time, my friends and I will be at a dress rehearsal for our upcoming show. My dance school does a "showcase" every other year, and I have never missed one since I started at the dance school 11 years ago. It's always been one of my favourite times of year when the show comes around. Sure, learning the exercises and repeating them in class is fun, but there's nothing like coming together and learning the choreography for a dance, then rehearsing and rehearsing, and then finally - finally - it's the moment we've all been waiting for. 

I was stood in the studio the other day, in the imaginary "wings", watching as my teacher choreographed a part of the dance. I was thinking that one of my favourite parts of performing as a group at this showcase is the coming together. 
      We all have our differences in my class. Especially because two classes have been combined for our dance this year. Some of us get along really well, some of us don't. That's the way it's always been.
      But when it's the moment before we all head on stage, when the music is starting and our minds go in to dance mode; all of the problems or friction between us just seems to fade. We start working together, no matter what our differences. We all come together, with the lights shining down on us and the music filling our souls, no matter what happens in the lessons. We're a family, in those moments on stage. We're working together; we're all for one and one for all. *Que High School Musical song*
      Yeah, it's only two minutes on stage in most cases, but who cares? Those two minutes are what we've been waiting for for months on end. 

Last time around, we all danced to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" theme tune. It was a great dance to do as it was so theatrical and deep and really great. Our costumes were awesome too. 

This year, we're dancing to a beautiful, beautiful song from the newest "Fame" movie (I'll post it at the bottom). The lyrics are so lovely and I'm so glad we're dancing to it. I've been wanting to dance to it for ages! The choreography is beautiful, and it's definitely going to be a great finale. 
      Another great thing I love about performing together at the end of months and months of rehearsal is the feeling and joy we put in the dance. I always think, just before we go on stage, 'This is it... this is what we've been learning for!' It sounds so dramatic, like I'm talking about an Olympic medal, but it does feel like it at the time when you're called to come on stage. Backstage is fun too, because we're all so excited and hyped and busy and crazy. 

Everyone comes together that night. All our differences are put aside, and that's why I do it. That's one of the many reasons I do it.

Here's the song we're dancing to! Isn't it beautiful?

Ellie xo

How The Lost Get Found...

This is a small GIF of a part of one of my favourite music videos. 


So I'm going back to Britt Nicole, who always seems to make an appearance in my blog posts... but can her music ever be boring!?

I first watched this music video after a few weeks of having discovered the song. Britt decided one day that she would go on a road trip, and she prayed to God that on this journey she would meet people who needed to be saved, blessed, prayed with. The video shows her journey, and the people she bumped in to on the way. 
      The song is all about not being afraid to stand out, as you can tell by the picture. 

Sometimes it's really scary being a Christian and being open about it, especially as a teenager. It's hard to be open, admit it, and also act on faith, too. Even if you don't say anything about God, it could be a situation where you felt like someone needed a smile or a hug, and you didn't act on it because you thought they might think you're weird or strange. I feel like this song really captures the feeling of fear and, I hate to say it, embarrassment that we sometimes feel, doing loving actions in society. It captures these feelings and reminds you to not be afraid, to want to stand out, to speak the un-spoken, to be different. 

Sometimes as a teenage girl I feel like I have to "obey" the rules and expectations that society puts on me; alcohol, being slim, having a boyfriend, partying, being mean. I feel like I have to be a sheep and follow what everyone expects of me. 
      When I was younger, I was dying to be cool, to fit in. I wanted to be popular and have loads of friends and dress like everyone else and surrender to whatever the fashion statements were. I think every young girl goes through that and feels like that. 
But, through finding my faith, I'm beginning to accept that this isn't what makes me a good person. I wasn't made to like alcohol and partying, and I definitely wasn't made to be tiny and wear short skirts. I've never been the kind of girl who likes being mean - and that was always a problem for other people, especially when I started secondary school. 
      Suddenly, there were expectations; there were glares; there were other competitors. It was a game. People found it weird that I didn't like bitching or talking bad about people; people didn't like that... Because it's not "normal" teenage behavior. For a while, I wanted to be like that. But then I realised that that wasn't what I wanted, and it definitely wasn't what I needed to be doing. 

I'm slowly beginning to like the fact I'm different. I'm very different. I'm learning to accept that it's who I am - I wasn't made to fit in with the crowd... I was made to stand out! I'm not really afraid to stand out anymore, because it's who God called me to be. He called me to love, He called me to help and He called me to be myself, to be different. 
      If you're a young girl out there, like me, and you're feeling compelled to fit this image of what society wants you to be... please be yourself. Be yourself; be who you were made to be. Try not to feel pressured to be a certain person or act a certain way, because it won't make you happy, or healthy, for that matter. Be who you were called to be - don't be afraid to stand out. There's a huge world at your fingertips and you can change it, just by being yourself. Being you is always enough, I promise you that.

Because that's how the lost get found.

Here is the music video :) 
Enjoy ♥♥

Ballet

A while ago, I wrote a blog called "That Place", about how dance takes me to  different world. 

Yeah... I love every type of dance. 
But the dance that will always have my heart is Ballet.

Two years ago, I had to make the decision to stop Ballet, because it was making my M.E. so bad. I was in year eight, just towards the end of April 2011, and I stopped with the thought that I'd be better in a year, which meant that I wouldn't have time to miss it that much. 
      But then a year passed... and another year... and here I am. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I see someone dancing a Ballet piece; I put my Pointe shoes on every day just to remember what it's like to wear them; I think of it all the time. I never knew I could miss something this much. I never expected it to be this way. 

The power of dancing is incredible. You just move to the music, let it take you away, let your feet get tangled in a whirl of movements and relevés and pirouettes; let your heart get lost in the feeling of rising and falling and the heat of the stage lights. It's like, as soon as a piece of music starts, and you make that first movement... life makes sense again. The minute the teacher starts the music and you stand at the barre, doing painful Grande Plies, you forget about the pressures of life for a while and just remember how awesome it feels to be able to dance. To be able to feel your feet move, hear your heart beat, and create something so beautiful for yourself and other people, just by losing yourself in something. 

I sometimes sit on my bed and stare at my Pointe shoes. They hang there, tied together at the ribbons, looking so shiny and beautiful and barely used. I only got to dance in these shoes for a few months before I had to quit, and they're only just broken in.
I keep my first pair of Pointe shoes in a safe place upstairs, because they mean so much to me that I don't want them to fade or get even more worn than they already are. 
     I remember how excited I was, when I went to buy them. The feeling of going up on to my toes for the first time - something I'd been dreaming of since my first class when I was just four years old - and then going to my first class and dancing En Pointe for the first time. My first real dream had come true... and I'll never forget that feeling. Never. I wore those Pointe Shoes to death.
Back then, I was insecure and hated school and always felt tired (when my M.E. was developing). But when I danced - when I went up En Pointe - I forgot about it all. Everything faded away.

Nowadays, things are different. 

I can barely manage half an hour of dancing a week, and that's Modern dancing, which is a bit less physically taxing than Ballet (for me, anyway). I have to rest all afternoon before hand, and then rest all evening afterwards, but it's always worth it. 
      I'm so blessed that I'm only just able to manage this half hour, but I wish more than anything that I could do Ballet again. I miss it so much. It was my escape, my happiness, my life. And I never realised at the time how much it meant to me... but now that I do, it's too late.

Prayers would be really appreciated, because I've never missed Ballet so much and I need it more than ever at the moment. I was hoping to be able to do it for twenty minutes every other week this term, but my health isn't looking like I'm going to be able to.

I didn't realise how much Ballet meant to me until I had to stop. 

If you have something that makes you happier than anything, make the most of it. Embrace it, love it, enjoy it and do it as much as you can! 

Until next time, 
Ellie xxxx

Who You Say You Are...

I'm currently sat in my room, on a beautiful evening with my window open because it's really warm in here. I'm looking straight ahead at my bare wall which has just been stripped of a fitted wardrobe, so it's messy, tatty and full of lots of little holes where the nails have been. So many memories have been crammed in to this room as I've lived in this room for 14 years of my life (one year was spent in a different room). 

We have just got back from a two week holiday to Cornwall, and I'm very tired. In fact, "tired" doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm exhausted. Exhausted to the point of barely being able to type and just wanting to sleep, but not being able to because of my illness. I realise that many people face illnesses like this, and it's horrible. But I don't want to focus on the negatives; I want to focus on the positives in everything, because I feel like that's what my blog is all about. That's what my blog should be about, because I'm on my journey to finding myself and being positive about as much as possible.

I believe that there is a positive in every situation. Sometimes, it's really hard to see it. Really hard. And believe me, I know all about that. But I feel like, as the girl I am now, I've learned - I'm learning - to see something positive in every negative. All of the horrible stuff that we, as a family, have been through over the past few years has been really, really tough, but I feel it's also made us stronger; closer, even. When bad things happen, families have to stick together. It's tough, but that's what we've had to learn to do, and we're coming out stronger for it. 
      It's like that old saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't it? It really is true. 
      I believe that, if I hadn't got M.E. as an 11 year old girl, I woudn't be the optimistic, mature girl I am today. I wouldn't have learned to appreciate things in life - like the beautiful view I have from my living room window, or the amazing house I have. You see, because I'm housebound a lot of the time, I've had to learn to appreciate these things. If I can't get out to the beach because I'm having a bad day, I can look out of my window and see this gorgeous view of the sea and appreciate it, because sometimes that's as close as I'll get. When I was little and full of energy, that view was there all the time - it was mundane. But now I appreciate it and I thank God for that view every day because, without it, I would have one less thing to be in awe of.

I always think of the saying, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it". Sometimes, in the darkest days, it's really hard to believe that. But, deep down, under all my doubts... I really do believe that Jesus is who he says he is. I believe you now, God.

I see it all now.
I don't know how.
But there's never been a time that You let me down.
Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

'Cause I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

Life's gonna knock me down.
It's not gonna keep me down.
I'm gonna trust You now, in every season.
I know You're here.
I know You're for me.
I know that joy comes in the morning.
God, I believe it now.
God, I believe You now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubMbeFpqzXI

This song really does say it all. 

Looking Back

On Saturday I performed at my Primary School's Country Fair. It was 25 degree heat and full of so much action. I met my best friend, Beth, who was with some of her friends from school and also one of our friends from primary school. It was always Beth, our other friend Carly and I at primary school. We were Triple-Trouble. 

It was the first time I'd been to that school in three years. 

As I was stood there, about to perform, it took me back to year 6 when I performed in the summer Fayre talent show back in 2009. 2009! I can't believe that's how long ago it was. I remember exactly how I was feeling that day because it was like a week before our last day, and the day after our last day we were headed off to Texas for two weeks. I was excited, nervous and sad all at the same time. 
      I wasn't nervous at all for performing back then, because these people at the school were my family and had seen me perform since I was tiny. But this time, I was so nervous, and I didn't realise why until I came home that day. I realised it was because so much had changed since I'd been there, and it all felt so different and almost unsettling to be there performing in front of people I only just recognised and barely knew anymore. 
      Even though I was nervous, as soon as I started singing I started getting comfortable. I spotted my God sister, Alice and her mum and dad sat there with huge smiles on their faces watching me. Then I noticed my friend and her friends watching me like they cared and then there was my mum and dad who just had that same "we love you" look on their faces they always do when I perform. I started settling in again, and it felt like I was back home. 
It was actually very emotional to be back there, performing, because everything had changed since the last time I sang there 4 whole years ago. It was all a whirlwind, but so nice to be back home where everything began and I started finding who I was.

Halfway through performing, 3 boys walked in, and I had to do a double take (which must have looked funny as I was singing!). It took me a few moments to realise who it was - three boys me and my two best friends used to be in a little "crew" with back in the year 6 days. They were so grown up, so tall and so different, but when we hung out together for a while afterwards I learned that they're still the same nice, crazy guys I knew back when I was 11. 

Looking back, I realise I was so different and so was everything at that school. But even though things have changed drastically, and we're all living our separate lives, I know that whenever we come back together or go back to the place we grew up, things just pick up where they left off. 
      I was talking to my God sister today and I was saying to her how my primary school years were the best years of my life so far. Its nice to know that I'll always have those memories to think back on to pick me up when I'm down. It's also nice to know that the people there, and the people who were there with me, will always be there to support me and welcome me back as if nothing changed.

Things

I think we all have little things that make us happy. Whether it be in the garden, out on your favourite walk, in your house or somewhere you go on holiday. 
      I haven't written a blog in what seems like forever and I decided to write one about the little things that make our days better and brighter. Do you have an item in your house, or even a room, that you could just look at forever? - Something that fills you with a warmth and joy every time you see it? I know I do, and most of these things lie at home. 

Home is my place of comfort and warmth. It's the place where, all my life, I've looked forward to going back to after a long day at school or on a rainy, cold school trip. I remember when I was little, I hated school trips because it always seemed to rain on the trips that were outdoors, and was sunny when we had an indoor trip (that's just the way England works though, isn't it?). I can remember a specific trip we went on that was an outdoor adventure type thing. We had to do archery, bike riding, orienteering and an outdoor puzzle solving thing. From the minute I got on that little mini bus that morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day; the bus had ripped fabric all along the edges of the ceiling and the seats were revealing almost all of the yellow foam inside. It smelt of a mixture of tuna sandwiches and sick - my two worst things. 

I recall it being damp, dark and dingy at our "base" where we ate lunch and left our bags. It was raining, and we'd been told to take lots of different changes of clothes: waterproofs, cool clothes, more waterproofs, trainers, sandals - you know, the usuals. It was a freezing, damp, horrible day that ended with swimming in a cold pool with freezing, damp "changing rooms" which were really just four brick walls with a hook on one of them, and they called it a changing room. The lucky boys didn't need a changing room, because back then it seemed that girls where the ones who always got evicted when needing to change in private. 

Anyway, the point of this is that the whole day when I was there, feeling completely lonely and miserable, I couldn't wait to go home. I can vividly remember, that when I was doing all the horrid activities, I knew my mum would be waiting at home for me with a run bath, gorgeous smelling shampoo, a yummy dinner and some fresh homemade cakes. Mum was always prepared for everything (she still is), and always seemed to know how I'd be feeling when I got home from something, especially a school trip on a rainy day in a damp swamp. 
      As I'd expected, she was waiting at home with exactly the right things ready. She knew I'd be muddy, so I hopped in the shower and then she hastily ran me a nice hot bath before making my favourite meal finished with a delicious desert, no doubt. 

All I used to think on these school trips, and anything I didn't like, in fact, was coming home; the fact that soon, I'd be wrapped up in my duvet watching TV on the sofa with a hot chocolate and some toast with Nutella. 

My favourite things these days are things like these: 

One of my favourite plants in my garden - a pink rose we planted in memory of my Grandma. It brightens my day whenever I see it.

These daisy-like flowers also make my day brighter. Aren't they cute?

Seeing my gorgeous bed every day makes me happy. It's so colourful and flowery that it just reminds me of why I love flowers and pink and anything vintage. I also love my day bed. It's perfect.

 Seeing these shells on my windowsil reminds me of the dreams I used to have of mermaids and dolphins. I love the ocean, and it always makes me think of how one day I'll travel and see the incredible beaches that God has created.

My lanterns also make me smile. They were a spontaneous buy on a trip to a local quirky town near me and I just love looking at them every day. 

So what are your things that make your life just that little bit brighter? I know we all have them. 

Until next time, 

Ellie xxxx

Holiday

I'm currently sat in the far end of our caravan, watching Zeus try to find a place to lie comfortably and listening to the wind pound against the walls of the van. Dad just turned the car engine on as he is off to a military museum and Zeus is up at the windows wanting to go with him.
      There's something about caravanning that just brings us all together and makes us happy. I don't know if its the fresh air or the fact we all work together to make this small space work, but it just brings me a peace and happiness. 

We got here on Friday evening in 50-60mph gusting winds and tried endlessly to put the awning up. It was so hard and when we eventually got all the poles up and sturdy, the canvas started coming out of the rail that the awning threads through, and we realised that it had come apart and was broken. So after 2 more tries, we gave up and all got moody and upset because, having Zeus, we can't camp without the awning.
       But then after a silent meal and a few comments, dad knocked it all together and managed to fix it (luckily). We really thought we'd have to go home.

On Saturday, I did my first ever flying lesson, in practice for my charity flight. Scary or what!?
I kind of got the hang of it after a while but it was very challenging, but also worth it.

Then on Sunday, we went to this old disused military airfield and because it was quiet and not a real road, dad let me have a go at driving the car! I got so excited, because I kept flashing back to when I was 7 and I'd sit in the car on the driveway, pretending to drive with the indicators and wiggling the gear stick. And now, 8 years later, I actually drove it properly with the engine on and the car moving. It's amazing how time flies!

Anyway, sorry for the kind of boring blog post, but I felt I had to write about this weekend as it was so fab!

Love, 

Ellie xxxx

PS: I actually wrote this blog post on Sunday evening, so at the time I was in the caravan but we're home now!

Roundabouts and Rollercoasters

It suddenly occurred to me the other day that it's almost half term, which means I only have 7 or 8 weeks left of year 10 before summer starts. At first, I get exited and thank goodness that I'm almost one year closer to getting out of GCSEs and this stage in my life forever. But then I remember what I always used to say to mum when I first started playing The Sims. I would say to her, "Wouldn't it be cool if you could fast forward time in real life just like you can in Sims?" And she said to me, "No, because I don't want to fast forward through things. I want things to stay as they are for as long as possible." 
      At the time, when I was 6 or 7, I would be confused because I'd love the idea of being able to fast forward through boring things like school or horrible times like falling out with friends. Even now, I'd still love to do that sometimes. But then I remember what my mum said. 

Having my future so close I could almost touch it just makes me so nervous, excited and happy all at the same time. When we were in Yorkshire a couple of months ago, I remember thinking to myself that next year, when we're back in the same place again, things could be so different. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to be next March/April when I turn 16. And as daunting as that is, I love that feeling! I love having faith in God and where he's taking me and although there are so many hard things to deal with in life, the future really is what you make of it. 
"Instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong, start thinking of all the things that'll go right." 

Today I woke up and my M.E. has taken a massive blow at me. I've been lying down pretty much all day because I feel quite ill and so exhausted, and this cold just doesn't seem to be going away. I felt so fed up because despite my cold, this past week or so I've been doing a lot better; and then all of a sudden I come crashing down. It's happened to me a few times before and I could see it coming, but I'm always too naive to believe it's going to happen again. 

But all day today, I've had the song "Warrior" By Demi Lovato in my head. This song sums up everything I tell myself and how I feel about my M.E. and about every other struggle. Every single line just reminds me to be positive and hang in there, and believe that things will one day get better, because they will. Like the picture at the top says - I have no idea what's going to happen... and I love it! 
      So instead of thinking negatively on the fact that things could go wrong any minute, embrace the rollercoaster that is life and don't forget to smile. 

Love, 
Ellie xxxx  

Charity Flight!

So, this summer, I'm going to do something a lot more adventurous and exciting than my previous events for charity. My dad has a PPL (Private Pilot's License) and when I went to my parents saying I wanted to do something different to raise money for charity, he came up with the idea of getting sponsored to face both of my fears - flying over the ocean and flying a light aircraft with my own hands (and feet). Basically, as long as there's a licensed pilot in the aeroplane and lightly holding the controls, I'm allowed to fly the plane on my own, using all the pedals and buttons and what not on my own. And at the same time, I'm flying out all the way to Lundy Island off the North Devon coast. I know - scary, right!? I'm so terrified for it, even though I know if something goes wrong then dad will easily be able to fix it, but still... it's gonna be so scary.

The charity I'm raising money for is Cancer Research, because my beloved Grandma was unfairly taken by this illness in 2007, and I know they're getting so close to finding a cure. So as they say on all the adverts, "Cancer - I'm coming to get you!", because I am. I'm inviting along anyone who wants to come to the flying school with Dad and I to support me, although it is in Bodmin so I understand if you don't want to come. I'll be opening an online donations page so that if you're in a different county or country you can still donate. It would be seriously appreciated, because I really want to raise as much money as possible. 
      I'm hoping some family and friends will be able to come down with us, as there's a lovely little restaurant there and the people are so hospitable. I'm so excited, but as I said before, I'm also soooo nervous. I'll definitely be taking a lot of pictures, so if you can't come then you can live the magic with me through pictures. 

More details and news on this will come soon, because in the half term that's coming up in just a couple of weeks, dad and I are thinking of doing my first "lesson" on how to fly and work all the dials and controls (eek!). Of course, its weather dependent, but once I've done my first lesson I will probably open my online sponsorship page, and of course take pictures!

I just thought I'd write a blog to let all my friends, family and readers know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I'm hoping to get as many people as possible to donate/sponsor me, and even the smallest amount of money would be appreciated. 
      Thank you so much, and I really hope you can sponsor me to do this. Cancer is unfairly taking so many lives, and I'm sure we all agree that it's time to fight back. Cancer damages every one around us, and I know my Grandma is proud of me for doing this. 

Thank you.

Lots of love,
Ellie xxx

Bank Holiday Weekend

Last weekend was just one of those blessed weekends. I only get them every now and again, but when I do, it's always so worth the wait. 
The picture above is of my friend Becca, me and then Kat. It's not the greatest picture, but it was such a great day that I just had to capture it. 

We went to a place called Highcliffe in the New Forest, and I'd never been there before this day. We started off by getting something to eat and we ate in this bus-shelter type thing right on the top of the cliff, looking out over the beach and sea. It was so windy but it was awesome - you could see for miles.

Then that evening we went out to the entertainment that was there, and we chose to go to the "dance party" thing. Unfortunately, it was only half an hour long but it was so amazing. They started off by playing a song I quite like by Nicki Minaj, and then after that, "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift came on and I couldn't believe it! A few hours before this, mum had said to me, 'Imagine if they played Trouble. You'd have to clear the dance floor and start doing your dance for the festival', and then they actually played it! 
      They played a lot of songs we loved that night. Becca, Kat and I were just dancing and having a generally awesome time. Just like I say in my last blog, when I dance, I forget everything. Although it wasn't like dancing in a class, it was still dancing, and I was  having so much fun that I forgot about my M.E. for a while and I forgot how tired I actually was. 

I feel like this weekend was a blessing from God: amazing friends for company, a lovely location, beautiful weather, energy and dancing all combined in to 3 and a half days. Can you believe that? Our God is an awesome God, that's for sure. 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your bank holiday weekend, wherever you were and whatever you were doing. Let me know what you got up to.

PS. Here's a picture of Zeus (our dog) and Maisie (our friend's puppy). Aren't they adorable together!? 

Lots of love xxxx

Strengths and weaknesses

You know on new years eve when everyone makes new years resolutions and they promise themselves that they'll actually stick to them this year? - And then by the time it gets to the middle of February they come up with any random excuse not to do it... then repeat this whole cycle the next year? It came to me the other day that this is what every aspect of life is like. 

When you've always wanted to learn a new language, but then 2 months in to learning it you find yourself bored to death - that's when you know you're probably not made for learning a new language. 
      Or if you promise yourself to go on a diet and lose a stone, but then a few months later you eat some cake and realise that it's really not worth giving up cake just to lose a few pounds - that's when you come to know that you're not made to be thin, you're made to be the weight you are and just enjoy what you eat. 

People make promises like this every December 31st with every intention of fulfilling them and staying true to them. The other day, I decided I wanted to wear my dresses more often and just fight the cold, so I promised myself that the next day I would wear one. So it came to the next day, I discovered it was cold, and put my jeans on. The same happened the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. I still haven't worn a dress in a week... despite that "promise" I made to myself. But it's okay, because if I hadn't not worn the dresses, I wouldn't have bought the gorgeous new pink jeans I'm wearing right now.

That may seem like a completely irrelevant and strange example to use when I normally talk about 'deep' stuff, but do you see what I'm getting at? 
          If we didn't make these weak promises to ourselves every year on new years eve, we wouldn't come to know our strengths and weaknesses and things we actually want or need. You can sometimes realise what you're meant to do and what you're not meant to do in life. 
So, even though it seems kind of pointless every year to set these goals and always change your mind about them 3 months down the line, don't stop doing it and never lose faith in yourself. The silly little things you swear you'll do every year may not happen, but new experiences and passions will do because of them. 

Until next time, 
Ellie x x

Imperfections

Imperfections are the only things that stop us from having full confidence in ourselves. We all have the things we hate about ourselves: maybe it's your tummy, your feet, your hair... your chin!? - I know the last one is definitely true for me... and pretty much the rest of the things on that list. 
          But the thing is, when we look at ourselves in the mirror, our eyes go straight to our least favoured part. For example (I'll be honest here), when I look in the mirror, I don't exactly look at my favourite part of my body - my eyes, do I? No. I look at my legs, my tummy, my chin... the list goes on. And that sounds awful, because I know a lot of my close friends would say, "But Ellie, you're beautiful!"... but if we're all being honest, we all do it. 

But what I want to talk about is why on earth do we do this!? Surely in the olden days, when women wore gorgeous floor-length dresses and high hair, they didn't look in the mirror and think 'oh my, my hair is just too flat today' or 'my cheeks are way to fat. That's all people will notice'... please tell me they didn't? When we see other people, we don't instantly pick up on only their flaws (well, not all the time...), right? So why do we do it to ourselves? 

At the end of the day, what matters is what's underneath. I know that as a teenager these days (and no doubt every past generation of teens), your image is the most important thing. I used to spend hours putting makeup on, doing my hair, dying my hair to fit the trend, spending money on clothes that I never ended up wearing because they were so uncomfortable. But what I've come to realize is that showing off your imperfections can actually turn them in to assets. 
          A good example of what I've realized is that I used to hate my feet. They are really wide and short and I have strange-looking toes. I found it really hard to find shoes as a kid because of my silly high instep and high arches. But I've been dancing all my life, and when I started Pointe work (dancing on your toes) in Ballet, I realised that my high instep and high arches were actually a gift. My dance teacher would say that I have feet that many professional Ballet dancers would be envious of... and I used to say "that's crazy - why on earth would you want my feet!?" But now I realise it...

God makes us the way we are for a reason. God gave me those strange feet with high insteps, because they were made for dancing. Dancing is a huge part of my life and I have great feet for it, which makes me sound like an arrogant annoying person but I promise, I am anything but sure of myself!
What that example was trying to prove was that you're made the way you are for a reason. Some people may look at my chin and think "wow, that's pointy enough to poke an eye out", but other people may think it's beautiful (not that I understand why they would think that). Imperfections are what make us beautiful, individual, and perfect in unusual ways. 

Sometimes I wish I'd spent less time pointing out my imperfections, and more time thinking of how they make me different and beautiful. 

Until next time, lots of love. 
Ellie x x