This Time Last Year...

Seeing as I'm still not feeling well, I decided to do something different that didn't take too much energy. I went on to my (main) Twitter account and scrolled through right back to this time last year. 

I found a tweet from December 9th, 2012, saying "Thanks to my God sister for taking me to church today. Loved it!". Which means that, yesterday, it was a year ago I was rescued by the Lord. I was picked up, saved, rescued. I can remember standing there in the middle of the church, hearing hundreds of strangers sing and worship around me. My God sister, Alice, was raising her hands in worship and so was my mum. It all seemed alien to me, as it had been years since I'd been to a church and months since I'd last prayed. 
      I remember how I felt, getting ready for church that morning. I was broken and lost, tired and confused. Alice had stayed over the night before and we'd had a four hour catch up in the afternoon, because we were home alone. Alice and I hadn't spoken properly until I broke up with my boyfriend in the November of last year, and on this day - the 8th of December 2012 - we sat and talked, and talked, and talked. For hours. 
      I wasn't going to go to this new church the next morning, because I was too tired and scared of knocking myself out for the week ahead. But somehow Alice managed to convince me to go. 

So, there I was that morning, getting ready to walk in to the unknown. I remember sitting at my dressing table and straightening my hair, feeling nervous for some reason. I was sad from a break-up, tired with my M.E., and in a really bad, scary place. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. Mum and Alice told me that I looked nice, and then we set off.
The minute I walked in to this huge church, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there were. Alice new everyone, which made me want to be like her - grown up; a Girl of God. 
People worshiped, people preached and spoke everything I needed to hear. All of a sudden, I just had this desire to be like everyone around me - I wanted to worship with all my heart and soul... I wanted to believe what I was singing. Right then, in that moment at church, I was rescued. I didn't know it at the time, but I was saved. 

I'll always be thankful to Alice for taking me to that service. 

Here I am now, a year later, still not perfect. My M.E. may be worse this year, but my God is still with me, and I know that now. I have my days of doubt, I have bad thoughts, but I have a saviour and I've let him in, finally. It was the best decision I ever made, going to church that Sunday. I'm rescued, I'm saved. 
      It's such an awesome thought that just one morning at church changed my life. When I have a bad day, I pray now, instead of wallowing in sadness. When I feel exhausted, I trust in God. I don't think there's any words to explain how much happier I am now than I was this time last year. Even though the circumstances may be worse than they were last year... I'm still happier, somehow. I've always been a Christian, but now I'm a Girl of God, too. I've taken time to apologise for things I've done, and I've wiped the slate clean with the help of Jesus. I'm alive because Jesus lived. I'm here today because of the love of Jesus. 

"You're the God who sees, 
The God who rescued me."

How great his love for me? How do I explain how great it is to be rescued like I was a year ago? I can't believe it was a year ago. I really can't. 

 When I was younger, this song was just something that people sang in church. I only sang it, because that's what I knew. But now I sing it because God is so, so, so incredibly good. This song means something now. Everything means something now. 

I'm a warrior.

Music

So I've written a lot of blogs about dance and what it means to me, and I decided it was time to share the other one of my passions and what it means to me, too. I don't know why I've never written about it before, really... but I'm going to now. 

If you've read the "About Me" tab at the top of the blog, you'll know that my two main passions are dance and music. 
Music has always been a part of my life - just like dance - ever since the word go. My mum and dad sometimes talk about the first time I heard music: I was lying on the living room floor on my changing mat (I think I was a few months old), crying (as usual) at the top of my lungs, and I think everyone was pretty sick of it. So they decided they'd try putting some music on. 
      The speakers were just a metre or so away, and when the music started, I stopped crying. Completely. My head snapped around to look at the speakers, and for the first time in months I wasn't crying, I was focused on something that wasn't sleep, food or attention and something was working. I was absolutely, completely mesmerized with the sounds coming out of those old speakers. Music.

Ever since that day, it's been clear to mum and dad that music is a part of me. It's been clear to all of us that it's a part of me. My parents are both very musical, and so are my brothers, so it was really no surprise...

Whenever family came around, I'd put on concerts and shows and make them sit there and listen to me singing a million Hannah Montana and Hilary Duff songs in to a fake microphone, and I'd just love it when they started clapping at the end. I'd start saying "Thank you Devon!!!" and bow and everything. I made up dance routines, pulled all the stage poses and loved it. 

My big brother Dave taught me my first chords on the guitar, and then my other big brother Richard taught me my first few chords on the piano. I can remember sitting on his knee, my hands on top of his and he was helping me play piano. Ever since then, I've been writing songs and playing other songs pretty much every day. A lot of my songs were made fun of by my brothers, but hey... they were pretty bad, so who can blame them? 

Anyway, music has always been something that I turn to and something that speaks to me. It was when I started "growing up", when I was 11 or so, and seeing real feelings and real life situations that it became the reliever in my life. I've always loved just sitting or standing there, singing my heart out to a song that means everything to me. That moment when you hear a song for the first time and you just think, "wow... this just says it all"; I've had that moment so many times in my life.

God always speaks to me through music. 99% of the re-building of my faith has come from various songs and Christian artists. Whenever I'm down, having a bad day or really struggling, God brings me these songs and I just listen to the words. It's very much a way that God speaks to me - sometimes I find a lyric in a song that has never stuck out before, but all of a sudden, it's what I need to hear. 

There's nothing like listening to a piece of music and hearing the singer get in to it. There's a few songs where, in between lines, their breath shakes and their voice falls for a minute. This may not be technically precise, but that's not what music is about. Music is about expressing yourself, healing, telling stories. It's an escape. The moments in songs where a voice falls at the end of a line that says it all, the moments where their voice shakes and staggers - these are the most beautiful moments. These are the moments where you know you're not alone, you know there was someone else who felt the same as you. 
      Music is my hope and my safety. In a world that's always changing and always throwing curve-balls, music is always there, consistently. There will always be a song to sing to, to make you laugh, to make you cry. There's a song for everything you need, everything you're feeling. How beautiful is that?

One day, I hope to share my music with people. I hope to bring people hope and joy; I want my music to be the reason why someone has decided to stay, decided not to give up on their life and/or faith. I want to connect with people through the power of a melody and lyrics working so well together and relating to someone's situation. Music is my reason to stay, and I want to be a part of that for someone else. I hope to inspire people one day, with music. It's very powerful; it's the only thing that will always make sense to me. 

Autumn...

So it's already the middle of September. How did that happen!? It seems like two minutes ago I was in Scotland back in February when I first started my blog. That was seven months ago... that's crazy. 

This year, I really have been on a crazy journey. Although sometimes it feels like I haven't moved forward at all, I actually have. Maybe not in terms of my M.E., but in myself I have moved on quite a bit. 

I love Autumn. I love the leaves turning from shades of green to shades of reds, oranges, yellows and golds. There's nothing more satisfying than going on a long walk, wrapped in coats scarves and gloves, standing on golden leaves that crunch under your feet. I remember when I was in primary school, mum and I would drive through the back lanes every morning and when it came to autumn, the trees surrounding us would look so gorgeous that we just wished we could stop and stay there all day to take in the beauty.

I love a lot of things about Autumn. My favourite month of the year is October, because it's when we're really in the depths of Autumn and the leaves are all reds and oranges, conkers are everywhere and so are pine cones. I just love the feeling of the air in Autumn... I've always loved it ever since I was little!
      I look forward to dark mornings and darker evenings, where you can sit by the fire in warm pyjamas watching favourite movies and clutching mugs of hot chocolate. I love how the mornings turn colder so you can see your breath, and the grass is dewy when you leave for school or work. 

At primary school, we sang a song called "Autumn days" in assembly in Autumn, and it was always my favourite song because it just said everything we all love about Autumn! I know, I know - I was a strange child, but who doesn't love Autumn?

What are your plans for Autumn? 

Love, Ellie
xxx

Who You Say You Are...

I'm currently sat in my room, on a beautiful evening with my window open because it's really warm in here. I'm looking straight ahead at my bare wall which has just been stripped of a fitted wardrobe, so it's messy, tatty and full of lots of little holes where the nails have been. So many memories have been crammed in to this room as I've lived in this room for 14 years of my life (one year was spent in a different room). 

We have just got back from a two week holiday to Cornwall, and I'm very tired. In fact, "tired" doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm exhausted. Exhausted to the point of barely being able to type and just wanting to sleep, but not being able to because of my illness. I realise that many people face illnesses like this, and it's horrible. But I don't want to focus on the negatives; I want to focus on the positives in everything, because I feel like that's what my blog is all about. That's what my blog should be about, because I'm on my journey to finding myself and being positive about as much as possible.

I believe that there is a positive in every situation. Sometimes, it's really hard to see it. Really hard. And believe me, I know all about that. But I feel like, as the girl I am now, I've learned - I'm learning - to see something positive in every negative. All of the horrible stuff that we, as a family, have been through over the past few years has been really, really tough, but I feel it's also made us stronger; closer, even. When bad things happen, families have to stick together. It's tough, but that's what we've had to learn to do, and we're coming out stronger for it. 
      It's like that old saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't it? It really is true. 
      I believe that, if I hadn't got M.E. as an 11 year old girl, I woudn't be the optimistic, mature girl I am today. I wouldn't have learned to appreciate things in life - like the beautiful view I have from my living room window, or the amazing house I have. You see, because I'm housebound a lot of the time, I've had to learn to appreciate these things. If I can't get out to the beach because I'm having a bad day, I can look out of my window and see this gorgeous view of the sea and appreciate it, because sometimes that's as close as I'll get. When I was little and full of energy, that view was there all the time - it was mundane. But now I appreciate it and I thank God for that view every day because, without it, I would have one less thing to be in awe of.

I always think of the saying, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it". Sometimes, in the darkest days, it's really hard to believe that. But, deep down, under all my doubts... I really do believe that Jesus is who he says he is. I believe you now, God.

I see it all now.
I don't know how.
But there's never been a time that You let me down.
Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

'Cause I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

Life's gonna knock me down.
It's not gonna keep me down.
I'm gonna trust You now, in every season.
I know You're here.
I know You're for me.
I know that joy comes in the morning.
God, I believe it now.
God, I believe You now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubMbeFpqzXI

This song really does say it all. 

Roundabouts and Rollercoasters

It suddenly occurred to me the other day that it's almost half term, which means I only have 7 or 8 weeks left of year 10 before summer starts. At first, I get exited and thank goodness that I'm almost one year closer to getting out of GCSEs and this stage in my life forever. But then I remember what I always used to say to mum when I first started playing The Sims. I would say to her, "Wouldn't it be cool if you could fast forward time in real life just like you can in Sims?" And she said to me, "No, because I don't want to fast forward through things. I want things to stay as they are for as long as possible." 
      At the time, when I was 6 or 7, I would be confused because I'd love the idea of being able to fast forward through boring things like school or horrible times like falling out with friends. Even now, I'd still love to do that sometimes. But then I remember what my mum said. 

Having my future so close I could almost touch it just makes me so nervous, excited and happy all at the same time. When we were in Yorkshire a couple of months ago, I remember thinking to myself that next year, when we're back in the same place again, things could be so different. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to be next March/April when I turn 16. And as daunting as that is, I love that feeling! I love having faith in God and where he's taking me and although there are so many hard things to deal with in life, the future really is what you make of it. 
"Instead of thinking of all the things that could go wrong, start thinking of all the things that'll go right." 

Today I woke up and my M.E. has taken a massive blow at me. I've been lying down pretty much all day because I feel quite ill and so exhausted, and this cold just doesn't seem to be going away. I felt so fed up because despite my cold, this past week or so I've been doing a lot better; and then all of a sudden I come crashing down. It's happened to me a few times before and I could see it coming, but I'm always too naive to believe it's going to happen again. 

But all day today, I've had the song "Warrior" By Demi Lovato in my head. This song sums up everything I tell myself and how I feel about my M.E. and about every other struggle. Every single line just reminds me to be positive and hang in there, and believe that things will one day get better, because they will. Like the picture at the top says - I have no idea what's going to happen... and I love it! 
      So instead of thinking negatively on the fact that things could go wrong any minute, embrace the rollercoaster that is life and don't forget to smile. 

Love, 
Ellie xxxx  

Bank Holiday Weekend

Last weekend was just one of those blessed weekends. I only get them every now and again, but when I do, it's always so worth the wait. 
The picture above is of my friend Becca, me and then Kat. It's not the greatest picture, but it was such a great day that I just had to capture it. 

We went to a place called Highcliffe in the New Forest, and I'd never been there before this day. We started off by getting something to eat and we ate in this bus-shelter type thing right on the top of the cliff, looking out over the beach and sea. It was so windy but it was awesome - you could see for miles.

Then that evening we went out to the entertainment that was there, and we chose to go to the "dance party" thing. Unfortunately, it was only half an hour long but it was so amazing. They started off by playing a song I quite like by Nicki Minaj, and then after that, "I Knew You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift came on and I couldn't believe it! A few hours before this, mum had said to me, 'Imagine if they played Trouble. You'd have to clear the dance floor and start doing your dance for the festival', and then they actually played it! 
      They played a lot of songs we loved that night. Becca, Kat and I were just dancing and having a generally awesome time. Just like I say in my last blog, when I dance, I forget everything. Although it wasn't like dancing in a class, it was still dancing, and I was  having so much fun that I forgot about my M.E. for a while and I forgot how tired I actually was. 

I feel like this weekend was a blessing from God: amazing friends for company, a lovely location, beautiful weather, energy and dancing all combined in to 3 and a half days. Can you believe that? Our God is an awesome God, that's for sure. 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your bank holiday weekend, wherever you were and whatever you were doing. Let me know what you got up to.

PS. Here's a picture of Zeus (our dog) and Maisie (our friend's puppy). Aren't they adorable together!? 

Lots of love xxxx

That Place

So I have this place where nothing can touch me. Not pain, not heartache, not bullying... not even gravity. It's a place I dream of every day and a place I only really get glimpses of. This place is somewhere personal, but somewhere that reaches out to people close to me when they know I'm there - when they know I'm not letting anything hurt me or bother me. 

By now you're probably wondering where this place is. It's a place I feel I'm in when I dance. When I'm on stage, moving to a piece of music I've been practicing to for months. It's this amazing feeling that nothing is wrong, like nothing can hurt me. When I dance it takes everything bad away and just lets the good in. Getting lost in a dance is the best way to find myself.
      If I think about it when I'm dancing, I can feel my M.E. getting worse and the tiredness coming over me. If I think about it, I can feel my body starting to hurt and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. But none of that matters; instead of letting it hold me back, I allow it to push me further. Because if I continue dancing through the pain and through the tiredness, I feel proud of myself. None of the pain or hurting matters when I'm dancing. 

The reason I'm writing a blog about dancing and how it affects me is because I want to let people know about why I still dance even though I'm really not physically well enough to do it. Dancing is something that stops me from hurting inside even if it makes me hurt more on the outside. And the other day, my mum told me that it fills her with happiness and joy when she sees me dance. That made me more happy than you can ever imagine!

Have you got a passion that helps you through things, even if their may be drawbacks to doing so? I know that one of my best friends has HNPP (fairly similar to M.E.) and gets very achey joints which is terrible. But nothing helps her more than going out and doing some photography; even when she can't really walk, the mental benefits of it outweigh the physical downers.
      I think we all have that place where nothing can touch us, even if you haven't found it yet. For some people it's doing their job and for others its their hobby outside of working life. I think once you've found that place, you'll never be without something to fall back on, or something to help you think things through. 

What's your special place or thing you do when you need time to yourself? Let me know!

Lots of love, 
Ellie xxxxx

Above The Clouds

When you look up at the sky, the clouds look like they go on forever and ever, until you reach space. It looks like there's nothing above them but grey/white sheets of the stuff. 
But it's until you go flying that you think this; because when you fly, the aeroplane travels right above the clouds, and it's not until you take off on a cloudy day and go through them, then suddenly come out in to this beautiful blue sky, that you realise it. 

My dad's a pilot. He flies light aircraft, and I absolutely love going flying with him. However, I hate flying in those big aircraft that take you long distances. I don't know why, I just do. I hate the take off, I hate being in the sky, and I hate the descent. When we flew up to Scotland, I was really scared as we took off, especially because we were in cloud. It took us a few minutes, but after a short time of being immersed in grey moisture, we suddenly popped out of the cloud, and the view had suddenly gone from being miserable and ugly to being breathtaking. The sky was blue and the fluffy clouds were way below us. All you could see for miles was a floor of white cotton-looking stuff, bright blue skies and the blazing sunshine on the right of the plane. It took away all my fears of flying, because I was so distracted by this amazing, un-ending, incredible view that was stretched out in front of me. 

The whole reason I'm describing this to you is because it made me think (as most things do, to be honest). It made me realise that above the clouds, there's always sunshine. When you're going through a hard time, always remember that. I think that's why God put me on that flight on that miserable, cloudy and grim day, and made me so relaxed up there. He put me there so I could realise that although I'll face troubles, and they'll sometimes seem never-ending... there's always an end to the pain and the hurting; because above the clouds, there's always blue skies and sunshine. 

This reminds me of the song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. (If you haven't heard it, I'll post it at the end). It's one of my favourite worship songs, because it gives me faith when I don't have much left; when it's running dry. My favourite part of this song is this-

"I can see a light that is coming, 

for the heart that holds on, 

and there will be an end to these troubles, 

but until that day comes, 

still I will praise you, 

still I will praise you..." 

...And this just reminds me in my darkest hours that God never lets go. He really, really doesn't. There will be an end to these troubles. God knows when that day is, even if I can't see it yet. 

So, what I'm trying to say is, don't lose faith and always remember that above the clouds, there is sunshine. I promise you that. Even when everything seems like it's tumbling down; when things seem like they'll never get better; when everything seems at it's worst; when nothing ever goes right...

You can't have a beautiful rainbow without a little rain.

Until next time, 

Ellie x x x x