Trust Him

I feel like sometimes we're begging God to change a situation and wondering why He isn't doing so. I know this more than anyone; I know that it can feel like God is just ignoring you and refusing to answer you. Sometimes I've felt almost abandoned, because in the bible it says "ask and you shall receive"; so I ask, but then God seems to ignore me. And then I start to get frustrated and confused and it's really not great at all.

But something I've truly come to realise is the fact that God is always in control. That fact has been going through my mind like crazy these past few weeks, and that's because God knows I need reminding of it every single minute of every single day, especially at the moment.

I was praying the other night and just wondering why everything seems to be going wrong. We've been praying/prayed for more than ever over these past few months and nothing seems to be changing. 
But then God just said to me, "I'm not changing this situation yet because you still have things to learn. I'm in control." And I was sitting there like, "God, I've learned everything now, I don't think I can learn much more"... but obviously God knows better than I do, so I'm just running with that. I trust him now more than ever, which is ironic because the enemy is truly trying to get in and ruin us, but all that it's doing is getting me closer to Jesus. And I love that. And over these past few weeks, I've been filled with more joy than I ever thought possible - and that's in the midst of a really horrible storm!!

2 Corinthians 5:7:
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

This verse has a new meaning for me now. 
I've finally learned that when I'm feeling out of control, I don't need to turn to other things to keep me feeling in control. All I need to do is turn to God and trust that He has everything under control. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to know to let go and trust Him. You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'm serious - trust Him. He might not be changing your situation now, when you feel you're ready, but just remember that through everything, God has perfect timing. He truly, truly does.
      In my head, I feel like I've learned everything I need to know and that I'm close enough to Jesus for my struggle to be over now, but in my heart I know that God still has things to teach me, and that's OK. I've learned to trust that that's OK.   
      If he's not changing your circumstances, trust that there's still things for you to learn; maybe He's trying to bring you even closer to Him. Don't lose heart in the fact that things are still difficult; take joy in the fact that Jesus is bigger than any struggle, and He is so, so amazing. He can break every chain, heal any disease or scar. Nothing is impossible when it comes to Jesus. (I love to claim that. A lot.)

So basically, the theme of this blog post is trust. I had no idea where I was taking this blog, but God seems to have my fingers moving like crazy on the keyboard right now!  
      Trust is a really hard thing for me;  but if I'm going to trust someone, it might as well be the God who is in control always and forever, and the God who loves us all so much. 

"Praise Him when your heart is breaking, 
when your strength is almost gone
Sing out your song
And praise Him, in the fire and fury
in the dark night of your soul
Your God is in control."    

Listen to this song if you're feeling even slightly discouraged. I promise it'll be worth it! 

Love always ♥♥♥ 

PS. Sorry I've been pretty much M.I.A for months, but like I said it's been pretty crazy over here.  

From The First Tear Cried

I love the thought that I've never been alone. Even when I thought I was the most alone a person could get, I never have been. Even during my struggles with many illnesses, family stuff, self doubt - I've never been alone. God has always been there. When I felt so far away from him, actually, he was right there next to me, keeping my head above water; stopping me from going under. 

I think we all have moments, maybe even days, maybe even weeks where we feel alone. It's a natural thing. But one thing I, and a lot of other people in my life, know is that we are never alone. 

All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me.

This song kind of says it all, doesn't it? Everytime this song comes on, it reminds me God is always walking with me. I encourage you to listen to this song today and when you're feeling down or alone. He doesn't desert people, He won't forsake you. Every single moment, he's been there. 

Every single moment in my life has added up to who I am today. Being left out at school, being bullied, struggling with mental and physical illness, feeling inferior; they've all added up to create my story and create who I am. One day I hope to inspire with my story and music because I know what it feels to be left out from the crowd - I know how it feels to feel like everything is always going to be bad... but it won't be. It'll never always be bad and I want to share that with the world one day. 

There's a whole big life outside of school, outside of bullies, outside of illness, outside of pain. It won't last forever. We are made for more than hurting.

Open up your heart today and realise that God has always been with you, even though you felt so alone. Because, trust me, you're never alone when you choose to walk with Jesus. 

♥ 

You're Beautiful

Everywhere we turn nowadays, there's a latest diet trend, the latest way to dress "cleverly", the best way to conceal your body and make it appear "slimmer". We are bombarded with photos of these "perfect" women in every single magazine, TV advert, clothes stores, etc. It's so tiring, all these women looking the same in every single picture that is shoved in our faces. 
      The pressure on women/girls these days to be thin, or to look a certain way, is immense. It disgusts me how people link being slim with being happy. "Slim" and "happy" are not synonymous. They do not work together - "slim" is not something we need to be happy. 

I hate how we make losing weight and starvation such a fantastic thing in society these days. Women are constantly bombarded (I'm not saying it's just women, this is just my experience talking) with ways to "slim down" or something like that. 

I was reading a magazine the other day that said "Dress cleverly to improve your shape!" then, directly below it said, "learn to love your classic British figure!". 
      No.
     Just no.
      "Dressing cleverly" to "improve your shape" is not, by any means, loving your figure. How does that even make sense!?

As a teenage girl in this society, I'm very, very tired of people shaming their bodies. It's like, you're either beautifully thin/fit with abs and toned everything, or you're beautifully curvy. Magazines and media portray it as if these are the only ways to be. No - these are not the only ways to be. I am not thin or toned, but I am also not curvy. But that's OK.

Every single magazine I see is plastered with pages of how to lose a stone in two weeks, how to dress to make yourself look slimmer, etc, etc. But then, three pages forward, there's someone telling you to love yourself the way you are!! What are we supposed to think when we read these kind of things!? I just think it's appalling how women are so objectified - not just by men; by other women too! 
      We're expected to be perfect. We expect women in magazines to be perfect. And then, one day, a few celebrities come out without makeup and it's all over the gossip magazines: Who looks the ugliest without makeup? (Yes, I actually saw this once!), Think she's pretty? Think again! and so on. Isn't that horrible? - These people have feelings too, you know. Just because they're celebrities doesn't mean they don't get offended by these kinds of comments. 

It makes me sick when people shame any type of body or look. It's like, in our culture, we can't compliment one body shape without offending another. It's either, "Oh, here's how to be slimmer to make a happier you"; or "Curvy girls are REAL women". There's no in between. There's no way of being what society expects you to be. If you're thin, you're not "real". But if you're curvy, you're "fat" or "ugly". 
Um... in case no one's realised - ALL WOMEN ARE REAL WOMEN. OK? ARE WE MADE OF PLASTIC? DO WE LOOK FAKE? NO? OK, THEN WE'RE REAL. No matter what our shape or size, we're all real and beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you different - not even the magazines that promise you you'll be happier if you lose 30 pounds (FYI, you won't be happier).

Why can't we compliment people without offending other people? Why can't we make comments like, "Your eyes are beautiful", "I love your smile" or "you look so happy" instead of "I love your curves!" or "You look so slim!"? 

Come on, women and girls... we can prove that we're beautiful the way we are. God made us the way we are because he wanted us that way. He made us all different, didn't he? Exactly, so let's not try to be in this little fake, non-existent thing called perfection. Let's not try and make ourselves squeeze in to a size 10 just because someone tells us that's what makes us beautiful. Let's love ourselves in whatever state our bodies are in; whether we have bags under our eyes, pale skin, or anything else that society tells us is wrong. Let's love ourselves, even when the entire world are trying to tell us not to. 

All my life I’ve been striving for this thing called “perfection”. This is something I’ve seen in magazines, on TV, in books, even on the street. I think every girl or woman has that in them somewhere. I think we all want to be as beautiful as that singer in the magazine, or as beautiful as that woman on TV. It makes me so sad to see girls and even women that feel like this: young teenage girls striving for something that doesn’t really exist, for something that always seems unreachable (maybe because it is!). This thing that is flaunted in our faces everywhere we turn, everywhere we look. 

I think - I think - I've finally realised that perfection is not something we can achieve.  

And I think I'm one step closer to finally being free.

Courageous

Ever since this year has begun and I've been praying for this to be my year, I've been so in touch with God. 
I was lying down the other day listening to some music, and previously to this I'd been having so many dreams about dance. In all of my dreams I've been a dance teacher/choreographer, teaching modern and Ballet; and also a singer at the same time.
When I was lying down, I suddenly remembered this dream I'd had the night before, and a song called "Brave" came on to my iPod. Then a song called "Courageous" and a song called "Look Like Love". These are all songs that I listen to when I need some hope, or when I want to relate to something. Suddenly God was just there, with me, talking to me through these songs like he always finds a way to do. 

Just as I was like, "Jesus, what is happening!?", the song "This'll Be My Year" by Train came on. God was actually saying to me, "Ellie, I got you this year. Apply for that college. Keep going - I'm not gonna let you fall. This is gonna be your year." I suddenly felt like I could do things this year, like I would be OK; like my M.E. will work with me if I just trust in God. 

Ever since then, I've been seeing all these pictures over social networks of ballet dancers, and quotes from my favourite Britt Nicole songs over the top, or just inspirational quotes that just add to what Jesus said to me that day.  He's telling me to be courageous, to follow my dreams and what I want to do this year. I'm gonna trust in Him - that He will not let me fall in to the pits of my M.E. unless it's absolutely needed. 


This year, I want to be on fire for God. I want to be used by him; I want to dance; I want to sing. I'm being called in to music and dance. I just know it. 
      I want to live this year, not just survive. I'm hoping and praying that God will give me the energy I need to do this. All my faith is on the line here, but I'm being courageous. I don't want to be afraid this year. I want to live. I want to be courageous. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than the fear." 
  
I think that, maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. Maybe this year will be better.

Watch this space.  

Be courageous today. Be brave today. Be yourself, and love yourself, and do what you love. Let's do this, together. Let's be brave. 

How will you be courageous?


Love to you all, 
Ellie x

Find Your Passion

Someone once told me, when discussing what I wanted to do with my life, that you should always choose an in-demand career; something that people want and/or need. For example, a hairdresser, plumber, doctor, electrician, teacher, etc.
      At the time, I wanted to be a hairdresser, so this advice made me feel happy because it was something secure; something that I knew people would want in years to come.

But I've come to realise that while the safe and secure option is probably the most logical option to go for when choosing a career - I'd much rather do something I love, rather than something I hate just to keep me living.
      For ages, I've been saying that I want to be a teaching assistant, or a dance teacher, or a chef. As much as I am passionate about all these things, and as much as they'll make good money and are fairly secure... I don't feel like I'd be overly in love with the life I lived. I mean, sure, it would pay the bills and keep my head above water; but it wouldn't fill me with joy and it wouldn't keep my heart happy.

I think that, in life, you have to find your passion and run with it. No matter how much trouble it causes you, how hard it is to achieve, etc. I think it's very important to do something you love, even though it may not cover everything you need to cover. After all, I'd rather go to work every day, love it with all my heart and soul, and not make as much as I would as, say, a hairdresser. I'd rather do that than stick with the easy option and play it safe.
      I am in no way saying that hairdressing, dance teaching etc is easy; but, for me, that's the cop out - the back up plan. But I don't want a back up plan. I want spontaneity, passion, failures and wins.
I want to make music and speak to people through lyrics and my story. That's what I want to do. That's what I have to do.

It's a big, scary world out there, and sometimes it's even scarier when you know your dream is hard to achieve: when you know that you're going to be rejected, or you're going to fail sometimes. But I believe that if you find your passion and you feel you're called to do it, you have to take God's hand and trust in his love. Your faith and passion is all it takes. When your passion is calling you, do whatever it is you have to do, even if it means defying everything people expect of you.

"Find your passion and run with it."

"Get out and let your fear fall to the ground, 

no time to waste, don't wait, 

and don't you turn around and miss out

On everything you were made for,

I know you're not sure;

so you play it safe,

try to run away..."

I feel like God is calling me to pursue my music rather than anything else. I feel like (and hope that) God is going to use me through music. That's my passion, that's what I have to do.

If you feel called to do something - do it with all your heart. All your heart. 

Lots of love xxxx

PS. I hope you all had beautiful and blessed Christmases. I hope  you're having peaceful holidays. ♥♥♥

This Time Last Year...

Seeing as I'm still not feeling well, I decided to do something different that didn't take too much energy. I went on to my (main) Twitter account and scrolled through right back to this time last year. 

I found a tweet from December 9th, 2012, saying "Thanks to my God sister for taking me to church today. Loved it!". Which means that, yesterday, it was a year ago I was rescued by the Lord. I was picked up, saved, rescued. I can remember standing there in the middle of the church, hearing hundreds of strangers sing and worship around me. My God sister, Alice, was raising her hands in worship and so was my mum. It all seemed alien to me, as it had been years since I'd been to a church and months since I'd last prayed. 
      I remember how I felt, getting ready for church that morning. I was broken and lost, tired and confused. Alice had stayed over the night before and we'd had a four hour catch up in the afternoon, because we were home alone. Alice and I hadn't spoken properly until I broke up with my boyfriend in the November of last year, and on this day - the 8th of December 2012 - we sat and talked, and talked, and talked. For hours. 
      I wasn't going to go to this new church the next morning, because I was too tired and scared of knocking myself out for the week ahead. But somehow Alice managed to convince me to go. 

So, there I was that morning, getting ready to walk in to the unknown. I remember sitting at my dressing table and straightening my hair, feeling nervous for some reason. I was sad from a break-up, tired with my M.E., and in a really bad, scary place. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. Mum and Alice told me that I looked nice, and then we set off.
The minute I walked in to this huge church, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there were. Alice new everyone, which made me want to be like her - grown up; a Girl of God. 
People worshiped, people preached and spoke everything I needed to hear. All of a sudden, I just had this desire to be like everyone around me - I wanted to worship with all my heart and soul... I wanted to believe what I was singing. Right then, in that moment at church, I was rescued. I didn't know it at the time, but I was saved. 

I'll always be thankful to Alice for taking me to that service. 

Here I am now, a year later, still not perfect. My M.E. may be worse this year, but my God is still with me, and I know that now. I have my days of doubt, I have bad thoughts, but I have a saviour and I've let him in, finally. It was the best decision I ever made, going to church that Sunday. I'm rescued, I'm saved. 
      It's such an awesome thought that just one morning at church changed my life. When I have a bad day, I pray now, instead of wallowing in sadness. When I feel exhausted, I trust in God. I don't think there's any words to explain how much happier I am now than I was this time last year. Even though the circumstances may be worse than they were last year... I'm still happier, somehow. I've always been a Christian, but now I'm a Girl of God, too. I've taken time to apologise for things I've done, and I've wiped the slate clean with the help of Jesus. I'm alive because Jesus lived. I'm here today because of the love of Jesus. 

"You're the God who sees, 
The God who rescued me."

How great his love for me? How do I explain how great it is to be rescued like I was a year ago? I can't believe it was a year ago. I really can't. 

 When I was younger, this song was just something that people sang in church. I only sang it, because that's what I knew. But now I sing it because God is so, so, so incredibly good. This song means something now. Everything means something now. 

I'm a warrior.

Come, Give me Wings

"I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands
 
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me"

This week/past few weeks have really quite horrible to me. I've had a cold for a week, and my M.E. just took a seriously big blow at me and now I'm on the sofa not moving or talking. It's so discouraging when this happens, and it's really hard to keep my faith. Really, really, really hard. I think this has been the hardest few weeks of my life. It sounds so over-exaggerated; I wish it was. 
It sometimes seems like no amount of praying, no amount of begging for my life and health back, is making a difference. I just want to get out and live, but most importantly, I want to make a difference in the world. That's all I want to do. I really don't know what else I'd do with my life, besides helping people. Especially seeing as it's Christmas time. The problem is,  I'm so ill at the moment, I can't do anything, let alone get out and make a difference. It's really disheartening and makes me feel so defeated. 

But, I'll continue to pray and I'll continue to fight. 

This song just says everything. I chose to post the acoustic version because I feel that it's a lot more raw, emotional and true. The lyrics are so beautiful, and give me shivers because I just want God to use me. I feel like I'm so ready to be doing something, even something small, to help someone or something. 
      Use me, Lord. Use me in my sleep, use me in my blog, use me in my music, use me in my dance, use me in my smile. Give me the health to help. I want to make a difference to someone's life. I want to let the broken know there's healing, once I've found it myself. I want to feed the hungry children. 
Take my dreams, come and give them wings. 

I beg the Lord every night that he will use me in some way one day. I'll continue to beg. I'll never give up, because it's what I want to do. 
I think this is the most honest blog I've ever written. I've shown how defeated I feel at the moment, and I've never really written that in my blog before. 
      But even though I feel defeated, at the lowest of lows, I'm going to keep going. I'm not a quitter anymore, I don't give up just like that. I'll keep going. I'll keep waiting for God to use me. 

I wish you all an amazing rest of the weekend, and hope it continues in to next week. Love all round xx   

Thank you♥

Yesterday, in America, it was Thanksgiving. Of course I live in England, and we don't celebrate it over here; but I think it's such a great holiday and I wish we did celebrate it here. It's a time to get all your friends and family together and give thanks for everything you have in life. 
      I thought that maybe, in honour of the holiday, I'd make a post about everything I'm thankful for. Things can be tough, but there's always the same things I'm thankful for that stay there and, hopefully, won't change. 

My family. 
I would post a picture of all the people I'm thankful for in my family, but I can't because there's so many of them! I have a huge extended family since my uncle re-married, and I love every single one of them. We're not majorly close, but I still love it when we get together and see each other as we all get along so well. 
My closer family, such as my mum and dad, brothers and their wives and little girl, etc. They've all always been there for me when I needed them most and I couldn't be more thankful for that. I love my family so much. I couldn't live without any of them. We laugh with each other, we cry with each other. It's always been that way. I love them so much.

My best friends.
I only have a few very, very best friends and I'm thankful for every one of them. 

 This is me and three of my best friends at my birthday meal earlier this year.(Our eyes all look slightly strange in this photo... because of the effect!)

On the left, next to me, is Chloe. Chloe and I have been friends since the beginning of year seven, right at the start, and we've had our ups and downs but I still love her to bits. I don't get to see her as often as I used to, but whenever I see her we just don't stop laughing. Literally. She's hilarious and we have such fun. 

On the right, opposite Chloe(and below), is Beth. 
  

 Beth and I have been friends since playgroup. We've always been best friends and have been through every single stage of our lives together. We had our arguments when we were younger, but we're close now even though we can't see each other as often as we'd like. Beth is awesome - she's hilarious, beautiful inside and out, and I know I can always count on her. 

At the front on the right is Rosie. 

  Rosie has been my friend since before I was even born!! I've known her for as long as I can remember and we got even closer when we were 13 and 15 and going through similar things. We just don't stop laughing when we're together, but we can be serious when we need to as well. This photo is from my birthday/Easter and we were overjoyed with the amount of chocolate we had. 

 This is Kathryn (left) and Becca (right), and their dog Masie. These girls are fabulous. I love them so much - they're hilarious but also the most down to earth, sensitive and caring girls I've ever met. I can always count on them, and when I get to see them I just have such an awesome time. 

It's Alice. I've known her since I was born, just like Rosie, and in fact Rosie, Alice and I used to play together all the time. I'm very close to Alice. She is a wonderful girl and I know that God is going to do some amazing things with her. She's always there to come and see me whenever I need her, but we also laugh hysterically at the craziest things. 

Finally, it's my friend in America, Angel. I don't have any photos of us together... which is so annoying! I video chat with her as much as I can, and she's always, always there for me when I need her. She always knows what to say. I can rant to her or anything and all she cares about is that I'm telling someone, not keeping it to myself. We laugh together and fangirl together and I know that she was brought to me by God. 

Thank you my amazing friends, and to all the ones I haven't mentioned here. I miss all the friends I don't talk to much anymore - you know who you are, whether you're from my primary school or you live all the way around the other side of the world - and I'm forever thankful for everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be here without you.


My pets.

 

This is Tigger. He is crazy, irritating, funny, gentle, fussy, sweet, grumpy, but most of all he's my little darling. He may annoy me more than anything sometimes but I love him so much and he really has got a heart of gold in there.

This is Zeus. He's the most awesome dog I've ever met and I absolutely adore him. He's gorgeous, cute, fluffy, sensitive, obedient, sort of annoying, smelly but cuddly and he always knows when to be crazy and when to be calm. He can be a bit dim sometimes, but that just makes him Zeus. He's extremely big, but he really is a gentle giant. We can always trust him with any situation and he just rocks!! You gotta love Zeus. 

Not forgetting our chickens, of course... I don't have a picture of them to share with you, but their names are Charlotte, Florence and Connie. Their eggs are so delicious and they are so great to just sit and watch. There's nothing more relaxing than sitting and just watching chickens. Does that sound weird? I don't think it does. Maybe it does... i don't know... aaaanywayyyyy...

My house.

I'm so thankful for our beautiful home and the view it has. Seriously... it's incredible. We've been so blessed with this house and I'm so thankful I've been able to grow up in a gorgeous place like this. 

Dance (and the girlies at dance).

I always look forward to dance every Monday night. Not just because it's dancing, either, but because we just have such a good time. It's been a fab term these last few weeks because two classes have been combined and I've made some new friends and it's all brilliant. Dancing is in my blood, and I'm glad I get to share dance with my friends. You know who you are lovelies. 

Music

Music is always there when nothing else is. Have you ever noticed that? I just think it's cool how there's a song for every single mood and every single situation. It's a brilliant, wonderful thing, music. I'm so grateful to be able to have music to listen to, but also to have the ability to write music of my own. 

All my friends I haven't mentioned. 

Some other friends I have that I'm not as close to as the ones I've mentioned here - I'm thankful for you too. All my friends on Facebook who support me in every hard situation and also every good one. I'm so glad I have you guys. Thank you.

Everyone who reads my blog.

I think it's so weird yet wonderful how people want to read what I have to say. I'm always so astounded when my blog posts get over 10 views; I'm like, "What!? You guys are so cool!". So, if you're reading this now... thanks!! I'm glad you like to read what goes on in my crazy life/wild heart. 

All in all... I'm so blessed to have all of these things/people, and more. Thank you, God, for everything we have and everyone we know. 

What are you thankful for? 

Being Thankful and Patient...

This week I have been overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to share my passions and my love for God with the world. I've constantly been thinking "how can I help people?" "how can I be useful?", and asking God to give me the ideas and ways to do so. It's been really frustrating because I haven't been that well this week and it's been so annoying because all I want to do is get out and help people in every way I can. 

But when I went to church this morning, I asked, "how can I help people, God? I need to do this." And I just felt like He was saying to me, "Ellie, slow down - you don't need to do everything at once. You don't need to do it all yet; just be patient." 
      A few minutes later, the lady that was talking said, "this week, continue thinking how you can be gracious to people, how you can be gentle and show God's love to everyone you pass - in the streets, at work, at home, online...." etc. It really made me realise that helping people and spreading God's word doesn't always have to be big gestures and getting lots of people together. 
      It could be something as simple as holding a door open for someone. Something as simple as smiling to someone sitting on their own in the park, or saying hi to someone you haven't seen in a while. You never know what battles people are fighting, and sometimes a small smile can keep people going for a little longer. 

This past week I've been feeling like there's a timer for my opportunities, but now I realise that there really isn't, otherwise God would be giving me the tools to do it all! For now, I think I just have to wait, and do the little things while I'm waiting. I'll continue to send people random nice messages, smile at people, hold doors open for people, write blogs, share music. I hope that one day I can inspire and help people the way certain people have for me. 

On a different note, since yesterday I've just been feeling so thankful for all the blessings my family and friends have. 
      My parents and I went on a nice walk yesterday morning, and it was so beautiful. All the leaves were turning oranges, reds and golds and the sun was shining down on us. It was gorgeous, and I just remembered how incredible God's creations are. I think Autumn is one of His best creations, to be honest. Here are two pictures of the walk...

How beautiful are these trees!?!?
God is so amazing. So amazing. It was such a blessing to be on this walk yesterday because I got to see God's beauty and his amazing creations, which I rarely get to see because I'm often at home. 

Thank you, Jesus, for your love and our freedom. I'm so thankful for every beautiful thing that we are surrounded by. ♥♥

Music

So I've written a lot of blogs about dance and what it means to me, and I decided it was time to share the other one of my passions and what it means to me, too. I don't know why I've never written about it before, really... but I'm going to now. 

If you've read the "About Me" tab at the top of the blog, you'll know that my two main passions are dance and music. 
Music has always been a part of my life - just like dance - ever since the word go. My mum and dad sometimes talk about the first time I heard music: I was lying on the living room floor on my changing mat (I think I was a few months old), crying (as usual) at the top of my lungs, and I think everyone was pretty sick of it. So they decided they'd try putting some music on. 
      The speakers were just a metre or so away, and when the music started, I stopped crying. Completely. My head snapped around to look at the speakers, and for the first time in months I wasn't crying, I was focused on something that wasn't sleep, food or attention and something was working. I was absolutely, completely mesmerized with the sounds coming out of those old speakers. Music.

Ever since that day, it's been clear to mum and dad that music is a part of me. It's been clear to all of us that it's a part of me. My parents are both very musical, and so are my brothers, so it was really no surprise...

Whenever family came around, I'd put on concerts and shows and make them sit there and listen to me singing a million Hannah Montana and Hilary Duff songs in to a fake microphone, and I'd just love it when they started clapping at the end. I'd start saying "Thank you Devon!!!" and bow and everything. I made up dance routines, pulled all the stage poses and loved it. 

My big brother Dave taught me my first chords on the guitar, and then my other big brother Richard taught me my first few chords on the piano. I can remember sitting on his knee, my hands on top of his and he was helping me play piano. Ever since then, I've been writing songs and playing other songs pretty much every day. A lot of my songs were made fun of by my brothers, but hey... they were pretty bad, so who can blame them? 

Anyway, music has always been something that I turn to and something that speaks to me. It was when I started "growing up", when I was 11 or so, and seeing real feelings and real life situations that it became the reliever in my life. I've always loved just sitting or standing there, singing my heart out to a song that means everything to me. That moment when you hear a song for the first time and you just think, "wow... this just says it all"; I've had that moment so many times in my life.

God always speaks to me through music. 99% of the re-building of my faith has come from various songs and Christian artists. Whenever I'm down, having a bad day or really struggling, God brings me these songs and I just listen to the words. It's very much a way that God speaks to me - sometimes I find a lyric in a song that has never stuck out before, but all of a sudden, it's what I need to hear. 

There's nothing like listening to a piece of music and hearing the singer get in to it. There's a few songs where, in between lines, their breath shakes and their voice falls for a minute. This may not be technically precise, but that's not what music is about. Music is about expressing yourself, healing, telling stories. It's an escape. The moments in songs where a voice falls at the end of a line that says it all, the moments where their voice shakes and staggers - these are the most beautiful moments. These are the moments where you know you're not alone, you know there was someone else who felt the same as you. 
      Music is my hope and my safety. In a world that's always changing and always throwing curve-balls, music is always there, consistently. There will always be a song to sing to, to make you laugh, to make you cry. There's a song for everything you need, everything you're feeling. How beautiful is that?

One day, I hope to share my music with people. I hope to bring people hope and joy; I want my music to be the reason why someone has decided to stay, decided not to give up on their life and/or faith. I want to connect with people through the power of a melody and lyrics working so well together and relating to someone's situation. Music is my reason to stay, and I want to be a part of that for someone else. I hope to inspire people one day, with music. It's very powerful; it's the only thing that will always make sense to me. 

How The Lost Get Found...

This is a small GIF of a part of one of my favourite music videos. 


So I'm going back to Britt Nicole, who always seems to make an appearance in my blog posts... but can her music ever be boring!?

I first watched this music video after a few weeks of having discovered the song. Britt decided one day that she would go on a road trip, and she prayed to God that on this journey she would meet people who needed to be saved, blessed, prayed with. The video shows her journey, and the people she bumped in to on the way. 
      The song is all about not being afraid to stand out, as you can tell by the picture. 

Sometimes it's really scary being a Christian and being open about it, especially as a teenager. It's hard to be open, admit it, and also act on faith, too. Even if you don't say anything about God, it could be a situation where you felt like someone needed a smile or a hug, and you didn't act on it because you thought they might think you're weird or strange. I feel like this song really captures the feeling of fear and, I hate to say it, embarrassment that we sometimes feel, doing loving actions in society. It captures these feelings and reminds you to not be afraid, to want to stand out, to speak the un-spoken, to be different. 

Sometimes as a teenage girl I feel like I have to "obey" the rules and expectations that society puts on me; alcohol, being slim, having a boyfriend, partying, being mean. I feel like I have to be a sheep and follow what everyone expects of me. 
      When I was younger, I was dying to be cool, to fit in. I wanted to be popular and have loads of friends and dress like everyone else and surrender to whatever the fashion statements were. I think every young girl goes through that and feels like that. 
But, through finding my faith, I'm beginning to accept that this isn't what makes me a good person. I wasn't made to like alcohol and partying, and I definitely wasn't made to be tiny and wear short skirts. I've never been the kind of girl who likes being mean - and that was always a problem for other people, especially when I started secondary school. 
      Suddenly, there were expectations; there were glares; there were other competitors. It was a game. People found it weird that I didn't like bitching or talking bad about people; people didn't like that... Because it's not "normal" teenage behavior. For a while, I wanted to be like that. But then I realised that that wasn't what I wanted, and it definitely wasn't what I needed to be doing. 

I'm slowly beginning to like the fact I'm different. I'm very different. I'm learning to accept that it's who I am - I wasn't made to fit in with the crowd... I was made to stand out! I'm not really afraid to stand out anymore, because it's who God called me to be. He called me to love, He called me to help and He called me to be myself, to be different. 
      If you're a young girl out there, like me, and you're feeling compelled to fit this image of what society wants you to be... please be yourself. Be yourself; be who you were made to be. Try not to feel pressured to be a certain person or act a certain way, because it won't make you happy, or healthy, for that matter. Be who you were called to be - don't be afraid to stand out. There's a huge world at your fingertips and you can change it, just by being yourself. Being you is always enough, I promise you that.

Because that's how the lost get found.

Here is the music video :) 
Enjoy ♥♥

One of my Passions

Lately I've really been having the urge and the desire to help people. I don't know why, but I just feel the need to help people and animals; I always have. I've always wanted to volunteer in places, ever since I was a little girl. I've always raised money for charity and always wanted to make other people happy. 

I want to put my extreme passion in to making a difference in the world. 
      I want to share God's word; I want to help young girls to get through self esteem issues and help them get through problems; I want to help animals... I want to do so many things in this world. I think that helping people is where my passion lies, really. All my dancing, my song-writing and my blogs all boil down to wanting to help people. I want to help people find help in dancing, save people with music and inspire people with my blog. 

There's a Britt Nicole interview that I watched once, and she was saying how once she asked God what her purpose in life was - and he just said "to love". After hearing this, I really, firmly believe that my purpose in life is also to love, to help people. I've always had a passion for it. 

I'm constantly praying to God to give me ideas and ways to help, inspire, encourage. Even the tiniest things and ideas I just love doing - it's almost like, providing for other people is  what gives me air in my lungs and what keeps me going everyday. 
      That's why, when people message me saying that my blogs have really inspired or helped them (you know who you are!), I get so happy and know that I can go to sleep that night with the knowledge that I have helped someone... even if it's just in the slightest way.

There have been so many people in my life that have inspired me. Some are people I know personally and some are celebrities. Either way, they've all helped shape me in to the person I am today. I hope that, one day, I can help people in the same way that these people  have helped me. I hope I become an inspiration for someone out there, that I can keep them going for as long as they need it, because if I can save one person's life, then my life will be made. 

I'll keep praying for my chance to change the world, to help people. Until the opportunity arises, I'll help in a smaller way whenever I can.

"When you get the chance, are you gonna take it? 

There's a really big world at your fingertips, 

and you know you have the chance to change it." 

♥

Light

When things are looking down in life, the last thing we think of doing is looking up.
Being stuck in a rut, between a rock and a hard place, or even just a situation we feel is just not right, makes it feel like the end of the world. But from experience I've learned that these are the moments that are gonna build your strength and really make you believe in yourself and where you're heading.

I feel like, in life, I sometimes forget to look to God during hard situations and I lose track of where I am and who I want to be. Sometimes I forget that He is my saviour and my soul. For example, when my M.E. gets bad, like it has been lately, it's so hard to look up and feel the light that God is shining down on me; calling me to him, in to his arms. It seems like the most pointless thing to look to God because, well... why would God put you in a horrible situation if he loves you as much as he says he does?
      That's just it though. When life gets hard, God is working in your life behind the scenes. You may not know it, or see where you're going, but that's when you have to hold on the most because, like they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn". It's OK to not know where we're going, because God knows the plan and will take you down the road. God's already there, at the other end of this situation, waiting for you.

When I look back on difficult situations that I have come across or that people I know have been through, I always see a light there. For me, I've always known that God was there; sometimes I've just gotten so lost that it's hard to look up and find Him. He's always been there, walking with me, telling me everything's going to be alright.

I have to remind myself to look up when things are looking down; to look up to God. He will bring me light in the darkest hours, and I have to trust that.
Sometimes it's easier to hide - easier to pretend you don't want something or pretend everything's okay. But you have to let go and feel the light... Just let go. Leave it all behind, and come to the light God is shining to you. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to hear this song. Maybe you're struggling with finances, relationships, illness; or maybe you're a young person struggling with not feeling like you fit in, like you're not good enough or like you're a disappointment. But God doesn't think any of those things about you, and He is bigger than all of the problems we face. Maybe you're trying to find your faith, or trying to re-discover it like I have. I'm here tonight to remind you to just let it all go; leave it all behind. You'll be alright.
      I don't know what it might be that you're facing, but God knows, and he won't let you go. Listen to the song, and feel the light. 

Let go, and feel the light.

"Feel the light" - Britt Nicole

"...How did you get here?

You're locked inside of all this fear,

Inside you're crying out, 

your mind's at war, 

Get out, get out... and live for more. 

There's so much more."

Ballet

A while ago, I wrote a blog called "That Place", about how dance takes me to  different world. 

Yeah... I love every type of dance. 
But the dance that will always have my heart is Ballet.

Two years ago, I had to make the decision to stop Ballet, because it was making my M.E. so bad. I was in year eight, just towards the end of April 2011, and I stopped with the thought that I'd be better in a year, which meant that I wouldn't have time to miss it that much. 
      But then a year passed... and another year... and here I am. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I see someone dancing a Ballet piece; I put my Pointe shoes on every day just to remember what it's like to wear them; I think of it all the time. I never knew I could miss something this much. I never expected it to be this way. 

The power of dancing is incredible. You just move to the music, let it take you away, let your feet get tangled in a whirl of movements and relevés and pirouettes; let your heart get lost in the feeling of rising and falling and the heat of the stage lights. It's like, as soon as a piece of music starts, and you make that first movement... life makes sense again. The minute the teacher starts the music and you stand at the barre, doing painful Grande Plies, you forget about the pressures of life for a while and just remember how awesome it feels to be able to dance. To be able to feel your feet move, hear your heart beat, and create something so beautiful for yourself and other people, just by losing yourself in something. 

I sometimes sit on my bed and stare at my Pointe shoes. They hang there, tied together at the ribbons, looking so shiny and beautiful and barely used. I only got to dance in these shoes for a few months before I had to quit, and they're only just broken in.
I keep my first pair of Pointe shoes in a safe place upstairs, because they mean so much to me that I don't want them to fade or get even more worn than they already are. 
     I remember how excited I was, when I went to buy them. The feeling of going up on to my toes for the first time - something I'd been dreaming of since my first class when I was just four years old - and then going to my first class and dancing En Pointe for the first time. My first real dream had come true... and I'll never forget that feeling. Never. I wore those Pointe Shoes to death.
Back then, I was insecure and hated school and always felt tired (when my M.E. was developing). But when I danced - when I went up En Pointe - I forgot about it all. Everything faded away.

Nowadays, things are different. 

I can barely manage half an hour of dancing a week, and that's Modern dancing, which is a bit less physically taxing than Ballet (for me, anyway). I have to rest all afternoon before hand, and then rest all evening afterwards, but it's always worth it. 
      I'm so blessed that I'm only just able to manage this half hour, but I wish more than anything that I could do Ballet again. I miss it so much. It was my escape, my happiness, my life. And I never realised at the time how much it meant to me... but now that I do, it's too late.

Prayers would be really appreciated, because I've never missed Ballet so much and I need it more than ever at the moment. I was hoping to be able to do it for twenty minutes every other week this term, but my health isn't looking like I'm going to be able to.

I didn't realise how much Ballet meant to me until I had to stop. 

If you have something that makes you happier than anything, make the most of it. Embrace it, love it, enjoy it and do it as much as you can! 

Until next time, 
Ellie xxxx