Always There

A long time ago I wrote a blog called "light". It was a blog about looking to God during hard times, and remembering to do so; and I just want to re-instate that now in this blog post.
      I can remember saying, "When things are looking down in life, the last thing we think of doing is looking up." 
      And a few days ago I was lying in bed just thinking about this sentence. I know a few people this may relate to, and I know how easy it is to go on and panic, despair or be scared in a situation and completely forget to look to God for help, security and reassurance. 
Sometimes, we search for reassurance from other things during hard times, like addictions, approval from other people, etc. I know this myself all too well, but I've learned to come through that and  have 'trained' myself, almost, to make God my first port of call in all situations. I'm not saying it's easy - I'm really not - but I'm saying it's worth it! 

The reason the old blog was called "light" was because there's a song by Britt Nicole called "Feel The Light", and it's about letting go and feeling the light. 
      I feel like someone reading this right now, whether it's on the day I post it or a year later, needs to be reminded to look to God. Let go of the bad stuff, let go of your past, let go of someone keeping you from moving on, let go of addictions - let go of all that and feel the light God is shining down for you. 
      It's really, really easy to forget about God in bad situations, and I know that sounds terrible but we all know it's true. I think sometimes, our initial reaction is to panic, start to think the worst or over-think too much. A while ago, if a bad situation arose, I wouldn't think of praying; I'd think of panicking and worrying and turning to other things. 
      But now God has taken over all of that and He is always in my thoughts.

It's easy to praise God, think of Him and thank Him in good situations; but it's really hard to praise Him, think of Him and thank Him in a hard situation. But it doesn't have to be that way for you anymore; it doesn't have to be so difficult to live. You don't have to life this life alone - He is always with you. Even when you don't know it, even when you're not thinking about it, He is there. Try to never forget that, and try to let it all go. 
      Leave it all behind and come to Jesus. Whatever is on your heart or on your mind right now, let it go, and feel the light. I don't know what you might be facing, but God does, and He's here; He's with you. 

Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (NLT)


Search for him in the darkest times, search for him and feel the light when everything is falling apart... find him on your knees. All it takes is one little bit of Jesus to bring hope where you are... he's coming straight for your heart, tonight, right now. Believe it and take hope because He is here. 

Psalm 31:24
Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
 Expect God to get here soon.


 

 Kari Jobe - Find You On My Knees

Britt Nicole - Straight For Your Heart

Trust Him

I feel like sometimes we're begging God to change a situation and wondering why He isn't doing so. I know this more than anyone; I know that it can feel like God is just ignoring you and refusing to answer you. Sometimes I've felt almost abandoned, because in the bible it says "ask and you shall receive"; so I ask, but then God seems to ignore me. And then I start to get frustrated and confused and it's really not great at all.

But something I've truly come to realise is the fact that God is always in control. That fact has been going through my mind like crazy these past few weeks, and that's because God knows I need reminding of it every single minute of every single day, especially at the moment.

I was praying the other night and just wondering why everything seems to be going wrong. We've been praying/prayed for more than ever over these past few months and nothing seems to be changing. 
But then God just said to me, "I'm not changing this situation yet because you still have things to learn. I'm in control." And I was sitting there like, "God, I've learned everything now, I don't think I can learn much more"... but obviously God knows better than I do, so I'm just running with that. I trust him now more than ever, which is ironic because the enemy is truly trying to get in and ruin us, but all that it's doing is getting me closer to Jesus. And I love that. And over these past few weeks, I've been filled with more joy than I ever thought possible - and that's in the midst of a really horrible storm!!

2 Corinthians 5:7:
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

This verse has a new meaning for me now. 
I've finally learned that when I'm feeling out of control, I don't need to turn to other things to keep me feeling in control. All I need to do is turn to God and trust that He has everything under control. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to know to let go and trust Him. You've probably heard it a million times before, but I'm serious - trust Him. He might not be changing your situation now, when you feel you're ready, but just remember that through everything, God has perfect timing. He truly, truly does.
      In my head, I feel like I've learned everything I need to know and that I'm close enough to Jesus for my struggle to be over now, but in my heart I know that God still has things to teach me, and that's OK. I've learned to trust that that's OK.   
      If he's not changing your circumstances, trust that there's still things for you to learn; maybe He's trying to bring you even closer to Him. Don't lose heart in the fact that things are still difficult; take joy in the fact that Jesus is bigger than any struggle, and He is so, so amazing. He can break every chain, heal any disease or scar. Nothing is impossible when it comes to Jesus. (I love to claim that. A lot.)

So basically, the theme of this blog post is trust. I had no idea where I was taking this blog, but God seems to have my fingers moving like crazy on the keyboard right now!  
      Trust is a really hard thing for me;  but if I'm going to trust someone, it might as well be the God who is in control always and forever, and the God who loves us all so much. 

"Praise Him when your heart is breaking, 
when your strength is almost gone
Sing out your song
And praise Him, in the fire and fury
in the dark night of your soul
Your God is in control."    

Listen to this song if you're feeling even slightly discouraged. I promise it'll be worth it! 

Love always ♥♥♥ 

PS. Sorry I've been pretty much M.I.A for months, but like I said it's been pretty crazy over here.  

From The First Tear Cried

I love the thought that I've never been alone. Even when I thought I was the most alone a person could get, I never have been. Even during my struggles with many illnesses, family stuff, self doubt - I've never been alone. God has always been there. When I felt so far away from him, actually, he was right there next to me, keeping my head above water; stopping me from going under. 

I think we all have moments, maybe even days, maybe even weeks where we feel alone. It's a natural thing. But one thing I, and a lot of other people in my life, know is that we are never alone. 

All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me.

This song kind of says it all, doesn't it? Everytime this song comes on, it reminds me God is always walking with me. I encourage you to listen to this song today and when you're feeling down or alone. He doesn't desert people, He won't forsake you. Every single moment, he's been there. 

Every single moment in my life has added up to who I am today. Being left out at school, being bullied, struggling with mental and physical illness, feeling inferior; they've all added up to create my story and create who I am. One day I hope to inspire with my story and music because I know what it feels to be left out from the crowd - I know how it feels to feel like everything is always going to be bad... but it won't be. It'll never always be bad and I want to share that with the world one day. 

There's a whole big life outside of school, outside of bullies, outside of illness, outside of pain. It won't last forever. We are made for more than hurting.

Open up your heart today and realise that God has always been with you, even though you felt so alone. Because, trust me, you're never alone when you choose to walk with Jesus. 

♥ 

Courageous

Ever since this year has begun and I've been praying for this to be my year, I've been so in touch with God. 
I was lying down the other day listening to some music, and previously to this I'd been having so many dreams about dance. In all of my dreams I've been a dance teacher/choreographer, teaching modern and Ballet; and also a singer at the same time.
When I was lying down, I suddenly remembered this dream I'd had the night before, and a song called "Brave" came on to my iPod. Then a song called "Courageous" and a song called "Look Like Love". These are all songs that I listen to when I need some hope, or when I want to relate to something. Suddenly God was just there, with me, talking to me through these songs like he always finds a way to do. 

Just as I was like, "Jesus, what is happening!?", the song "This'll Be My Year" by Train came on. God was actually saying to me, "Ellie, I got you this year. Apply for that college. Keep going - I'm not gonna let you fall. This is gonna be your year." I suddenly felt like I could do things this year, like I would be OK; like my M.E. will work with me if I just trust in God. 

Ever since then, I've been seeing all these pictures over social networks of ballet dancers, and quotes from my favourite Britt Nicole songs over the top, or just inspirational quotes that just add to what Jesus said to me that day.  He's telling me to be courageous, to follow my dreams and what I want to do this year. I'm gonna trust in Him - that He will not let me fall in to the pits of my M.E. unless it's absolutely needed. 


This year, I want to be on fire for God. I want to be used by him; I want to dance; I want to sing. I'm being called in to music and dance. I just know it. 
      I want to live this year, not just survive. I'm hoping and praying that God will give me the energy I need to do this. All my faith is on the line here, but I'm being courageous. I don't want to be afraid this year. I want to live. I want to be courageous. 

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than the fear." 
  
I think that, maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. Maybe this year will be better.

Watch this space.  

Be courageous today. Be brave today. Be yourself, and love yourself, and do what you love. Let's do this, together. Let's be brave. 

How will you be courageous?


Love to you all, 
Ellie x

This Time Last Year...

Seeing as I'm still not feeling well, I decided to do something different that didn't take too much energy. I went on to my (main) Twitter account and scrolled through right back to this time last year. 

I found a tweet from December 9th, 2012, saying "Thanks to my God sister for taking me to church today. Loved it!". Which means that, yesterday, it was a year ago I was rescued by the Lord. I was picked up, saved, rescued. I can remember standing there in the middle of the church, hearing hundreds of strangers sing and worship around me. My God sister, Alice, was raising her hands in worship and so was my mum. It all seemed alien to me, as it had been years since I'd been to a church and months since I'd last prayed. 
      I remember how I felt, getting ready for church that morning. I was broken and lost, tired and confused. Alice had stayed over the night before and we'd had a four hour catch up in the afternoon, because we were home alone. Alice and I hadn't spoken properly until I broke up with my boyfriend in the November of last year, and on this day - the 8th of December 2012 - we sat and talked, and talked, and talked. For hours. 
      I wasn't going to go to this new church the next morning, because I was too tired and scared of knocking myself out for the week ahead. But somehow Alice managed to convince me to go. 

So, there I was that morning, getting ready to walk in to the unknown. I remember sitting at my dressing table and straightening my hair, feeling nervous for some reason. I was sad from a break-up, tired with my M.E., and in a really bad, scary place. I took a deep breath and went downstairs. Mum and Alice told me that I looked nice, and then we set off.
The minute I walked in to this huge church, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people there were. Alice new everyone, which made me want to be like her - grown up; a Girl of God. 
People worshiped, people preached and spoke everything I needed to hear. All of a sudden, I just had this desire to be like everyone around me - I wanted to worship with all my heart and soul... I wanted to believe what I was singing. Right then, in that moment at church, I was rescued. I didn't know it at the time, but I was saved. 

I'll always be thankful to Alice for taking me to that service. 

Here I am now, a year later, still not perfect. My M.E. may be worse this year, but my God is still with me, and I know that now. I have my days of doubt, I have bad thoughts, but I have a saviour and I've let him in, finally. It was the best decision I ever made, going to church that Sunday. I'm rescued, I'm saved. 
      It's such an awesome thought that just one morning at church changed my life. When I have a bad day, I pray now, instead of wallowing in sadness. When I feel exhausted, I trust in God. I don't think there's any words to explain how much happier I am now than I was this time last year. Even though the circumstances may be worse than they were last year... I'm still happier, somehow. I've always been a Christian, but now I'm a Girl of God, too. I've taken time to apologise for things I've done, and I've wiped the slate clean with the help of Jesus. I'm alive because Jesus lived. I'm here today because of the love of Jesus. 

"You're the God who sees, 
The God who rescued me."

How great his love for me? How do I explain how great it is to be rescued like I was a year ago? I can't believe it was a year ago. I really can't. 

 When I was younger, this song was just something that people sang in church. I only sang it, because that's what I knew. But now I sing it because God is so, so, so incredibly good. This song means something now. Everything means something now. 

I'm a warrior.

Come, Give me Wings

"I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands
 
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me"

This week/past few weeks have really quite horrible to me. I've had a cold for a week, and my M.E. just took a seriously big blow at me and now I'm on the sofa not moving or talking. It's so discouraging when this happens, and it's really hard to keep my faith. Really, really, really hard. I think this has been the hardest few weeks of my life. It sounds so over-exaggerated; I wish it was. 
It sometimes seems like no amount of praying, no amount of begging for my life and health back, is making a difference. I just want to get out and live, but most importantly, I want to make a difference in the world. That's all I want to do. I really don't know what else I'd do with my life, besides helping people. Especially seeing as it's Christmas time. The problem is,  I'm so ill at the moment, I can't do anything, let alone get out and make a difference. It's really disheartening and makes me feel so defeated. 

But, I'll continue to pray and I'll continue to fight. 

This song just says everything. I chose to post the acoustic version because I feel that it's a lot more raw, emotional and true. The lyrics are so beautiful, and give me shivers because I just want God to use me. I feel like I'm so ready to be doing something, even something small, to help someone or something. 
      Use me, Lord. Use me in my sleep, use me in my blog, use me in my music, use me in my dance, use me in my smile. Give me the health to help. I want to make a difference to someone's life. I want to let the broken know there's healing, once I've found it myself. I want to feed the hungry children. 
Take my dreams, come and give them wings. 

I beg the Lord every night that he will use me in some way one day. I'll continue to beg. I'll never give up, because it's what I want to do. 
I think this is the most honest blog I've ever written. I've shown how defeated I feel at the moment, and I've never really written that in my blog before. 
      But even though I feel defeated, at the lowest of lows, I'm going to keep going. I'm not a quitter anymore, I don't give up just like that. I'll keep going. I'll keep waiting for God to use me. 

I wish you all an amazing rest of the weekend, and hope it continues in to next week. Love all round xx   

How The Lost Get Found...

This is a small GIF of a part of one of my favourite music videos. 


So I'm going back to Britt Nicole, who always seems to make an appearance in my blog posts... but can her music ever be boring!?

I first watched this music video after a few weeks of having discovered the song. Britt decided one day that she would go on a road trip, and she prayed to God that on this journey she would meet people who needed to be saved, blessed, prayed with. The video shows her journey, and the people she bumped in to on the way. 
      The song is all about not being afraid to stand out, as you can tell by the picture. 

Sometimes it's really scary being a Christian and being open about it, especially as a teenager. It's hard to be open, admit it, and also act on faith, too. Even if you don't say anything about God, it could be a situation where you felt like someone needed a smile or a hug, and you didn't act on it because you thought they might think you're weird or strange. I feel like this song really captures the feeling of fear and, I hate to say it, embarrassment that we sometimes feel, doing loving actions in society. It captures these feelings and reminds you to not be afraid, to want to stand out, to speak the un-spoken, to be different. 

Sometimes as a teenage girl I feel like I have to "obey" the rules and expectations that society puts on me; alcohol, being slim, having a boyfriend, partying, being mean. I feel like I have to be a sheep and follow what everyone expects of me. 
      When I was younger, I was dying to be cool, to fit in. I wanted to be popular and have loads of friends and dress like everyone else and surrender to whatever the fashion statements were. I think every young girl goes through that and feels like that. 
But, through finding my faith, I'm beginning to accept that this isn't what makes me a good person. I wasn't made to like alcohol and partying, and I definitely wasn't made to be tiny and wear short skirts. I've never been the kind of girl who likes being mean - and that was always a problem for other people, especially when I started secondary school. 
      Suddenly, there were expectations; there were glares; there were other competitors. It was a game. People found it weird that I didn't like bitching or talking bad about people; people didn't like that... Because it's not "normal" teenage behavior. For a while, I wanted to be like that. But then I realised that that wasn't what I wanted, and it definitely wasn't what I needed to be doing. 

I'm slowly beginning to like the fact I'm different. I'm very different. I'm learning to accept that it's who I am - I wasn't made to fit in with the crowd... I was made to stand out! I'm not really afraid to stand out anymore, because it's who God called me to be. He called me to love, He called me to help and He called me to be myself, to be different. 
      If you're a young girl out there, like me, and you're feeling compelled to fit this image of what society wants you to be... please be yourself. Be yourself; be who you were made to be. Try not to feel pressured to be a certain person or act a certain way, because it won't make you happy, or healthy, for that matter. Be who you were called to be - don't be afraid to stand out. There's a huge world at your fingertips and you can change it, just by being yourself. Being you is always enough, I promise you that.

Because that's how the lost get found.

Here is the music video :) 
Enjoy ♥♥

Light

When things are looking down in life, the last thing we think of doing is looking up.
Being stuck in a rut, between a rock and a hard place, or even just a situation we feel is just not right, makes it feel like the end of the world. But from experience I've learned that these are the moments that are gonna build your strength and really make you believe in yourself and where you're heading.

I feel like, in life, I sometimes forget to look to God during hard situations and I lose track of where I am and who I want to be. Sometimes I forget that He is my saviour and my soul. For example, when my M.E. gets bad, like it has been lately, it's so hard to look up and feel the light that God is shining down on me; calling me to him, in to his arms. It seems like the most pointless thing to look to God because, well... why would God put you in a horrible situation if he loves you as much as he says he does?
      That's just it though. When life gets hard, God is working in your life behind the scenes. You may not know it, or see where you're going, but that's when you have to hold on the most because, like they say, "it's always darkest before the dawn". It's OK to not know where we're going, because God knows the plan and will take you down the road. God's already there, at the other end of this situation, waiting for you.

When I look back on difficult situations that I have come across or that people I know have been through, I always see a light there. For me, I've always known that God was there; sometimes I've just gotten so lost that it's hard to look up and find Him. He's always been there, walking with me, telling me everything's going to be alright.

I have to remind myself to look up when things are looking down; to look up to God. He will bring me light in the darkest hours, and I have to trust that.
Sometimes it's easier to hide - easier to pretend you don't want something or pretend everything's okay. But you have to let go and feel the light... Just let go. Leave it all behind, and come to the light God is shining to you. 

I feel like someone reading this right now needs to hear this song. Maybe you're struggling with finances, relationships, illness; or maybe you're a young person struggling with not feeling like you fit in, like you're not good enough or like you're a disappointment. But God doesn't think any of those things about you, and He is bigger than all of the problems we face. Maybe you're trying to find your faith, or trying to re-discover it like I have. I'm here tonight to remind you to just let it all go; leave it all behind. You'll be alright.
      I don't know what it might be that you're facing, but God knows, and he won't let you go. Listen to the song, and feel the light. 

Let go, and feel the light.

"Feel the light" - Britt Nicole

"...How did you get here?

You're locked inside of all this fear,

Inside you're crying out, 

your mind's at war, 

Get out, get out... and live for more. 

There's so much more."

Courage in Faith

I want to talk about how amazing God is and how I've come to find him. It's really hard to do, sometimes, especially as a young girl in this society, but I am not afraid of my faith and admitting who I am and what I believe in.

There's a singer I love called Britt Nicole, and I've featured her songs in a lot of my blogs. Britt Nicole's music has really helped me to find my faith and keep it strong no matter what I've been going through, and I think she is so inspiring and her songs are just uplifting and amazing. 
      The first song I ever heard of hers was "All This Time". I think I cried when I first heard it, because it reminded me that God is always there. Jesus promised us that He would be there no matter what; He sees our tears, sees our hurting and He pulls us out, He helps us rise above. I just think it's pretty awesome that, no matter what we look like, no matter what we do, no matter what we're going through, God will always be there to love us and keep us safe from harm. 

I've been having an image in my head of a stormy ocean - dark clouds, heavy rain, thunder, lightning and crazy waves - and I'm in the middle of this storm.  But instead of being thrown around and taken under by the waves, there's a buoy in the middle of the sea, and a white light shining just over this. And there I am, holding on to this buoy; even though I can feel the storm raging on and I know it's happening and it's still affecting me, I'm holding on. I'm holding on, and I'm slightly above the storm because I'm strong as long as I'm in God's arms and trust in His love. 

Like in Britt Nicole's song "Have Your Way", which I wrote a blog about a while ago, God never promised the road would be easy and he never promised life wouldn't be hard. But, he did promise that he'd never leave, and that He'd take care of us, no matter what. Isn't that awesome? 

I've spent a lot of time asking why. Like, "Why me, God?" or "Why aren't I better yet?" "why can't you tell me what's going to happen?". And I know that each and every one of you reading this will have done that at some point, because we're all human and we all have our doubts. It's just a part of growing as a person, in faith and in life. It's okay. I feel like sometimes we're so hard on ourselves for having doubts or for questioning God's will, when actually we're the only ones who need to forgive. God has already forgiven us for that, and he loves us all the same. 

Now, instead of asking "why?" I just remind myself to believe no matter what. To keep holding on to my faith and the knowledge that God has a plan for us in life. For each and every one of us, I believe that we're all made with a purpose. You have a purpose - yes, you - even if you can't see it yet. We all have stories, we all have pain and we all have those moments where we can't see a way out. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I believe that that light is God. God's light never burns out, no matter what. 

So, today, if you're feeling down or doubting your faith, or doubting anything... keep going. Keep holding on. Keep believing in God's word and God's love. 
You'll get there!

I also encourage you to listen to Britt Nicole's music. There's at least one song of her's for everyone, and if you're having a bad day, listen and see if it inspires you. It inspires me every single day to keep going and keep believing. 
Another song I really love is "The Well" by Casting Crowns (oh, and other Casting Crown songs!). It reminds me that God doesn't care about my bad thoughts, my doubts, my worries. He sees the bigger picture, and he heals my wounds, my problems. It reminds me that he forgives my sins, and all he asks of me is to trust in him and believe in him, and I will thirst no more.

Never give up! 

"You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me." 

"You can walk on the water too."

"No I won't turn and run, this battle will be won."

 "You never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me." 

"Rest in my arms a while, and you'll feel the change my child." 

Never Alone

The other day, I was sat watching a TV show where every one seemed so much younger than they are now. I looked at when it came out, and it said 2010.
      Can you believe 2010 was three years ago!? I really can't. I said to my mum today that four years ago today I started secondary school.

Back then, I had no idea how fast time was going to go and I had no idea of the things I'd have to face in the years to come. I remember, so clearly, waking up and feeling nervous but also so excited. I put on my uniform, pulled my hair right back and mum and dad took pictures of me because it was my first day. I'd packed my bag the night before and everything was ready. I remember it was picture day - yes, on my very first day! - and it was so embarrassing posing for photos around all these mysterious people that I'd never met before.

I have written quite a few blog posts on looking back on the past, talking about how much things have changed. But right now, I want to talk about the future (which, now that I think about it, I blog quite a lot about, too...).

In three days, I'm going in to my last year of secondary school. Year 11.
      I was out for coffee with my mum and some friends last week, and they asked me what year I was going in to. I'd never said it out loud before, and when I said "year 11", it really hit me that... yeah, this is my last year. Year 11. I never thought I'd be here so soon... and I definitely didn't imagine it being this way!
      I then realised that my future is fast approaching. I only have 9 months left of school before my next summer holidays - and then what do I do? Normal teenagers ("normal" being people without illnesses such as M.E.) can plan ahead, look in to colleges, think about taking A-levels, etc. Yes, I know that even if you're not ill you still can't plan exactly for the future. But I have no idea what my health will be like this time next year. Absolutely no idea whatsoever.
      I could get even worse (I'm praying SO hard for this not to happen), I could get 100% better, or I could just stay the same. The ideal situation would be that I will be recovered by then, so I can go on and do whatever I want to. 

The thought of this upcoming year terrifies me. To be honest, I think it terrifies everybody. There's always the thought of "will I pass?" "will I get the right grades?" "what do I want to do?" etc, etc. But then I realised that I walk by faith now. I trust God in everything I do, and I know that He will guide me down the right path. If I don't get the right grade? - it must be part of God's plan. If I don't get better? - yes, it's frustrating; but still a part of God's plan. 

"You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way"

I'll stop searching for the answers; I'll let God lead me to them. 

I'll stop praying for an escape; I'll march through life with God by my side, through anything and everything. 

I'll trust God with where I am, even if I hate where I am and feel like there won't be an end. 

I'll believe that God will have his way... and his way will be awesome. 

So yeah, this year is terrifying me. A lot. 

      But then I realised that nothing can be that scary as long as I walk by faith. 

      He promised us that he'd never leave us alone, not that life would be easy. At first, that made me feel kind of frustrated and annoyed - understandably, really. Because, occasionally, we all wish that life would be easy sometimes. But even when life gets so hard, and I know it will in this upcoming school year, I won't be afraid. 

I'll trust You, God, with where I am...

God, just have your way.

Moving Forward

Today in church, it was the most moving few hours I've ever experienced. We were talking about worries and problems and overcoming them because God is powerful enough to do that. The youth leader did a little thing at the beginning where there was a giant blow up ball and 3 smaller ones. The smaller ones represented our problems, and the giant one represented God. He got a little boy to try and see the big ball even though the problems were in the way, and he couldn't. And then the little boy was asked to throw the little balls at the big one to try and move it; it didn't work. This was a very random representation of God and our problems. God is big enough to heal anything we struggle with and no matter what gets thrown at him, nothing is too big for him to handle.

The rest of the morning was very emotional because God was giving messages to me and a few others in the Youth group through the adults in the room. We prayed with the adults and I really felt uplifted. I felt like I should talk about my main issue in life, and from now on I'm giving it to God and not letting it beat me. 

I won't go in to the details of what's happened in the past few years/months. But a huge part of what's been going on is my M.E (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). For anyone who doesn't know what it is (most people don't - it's not well known), it's an illness I, and thousands of other people have. Long story short, it makes sufferers extremely exhausted. I don't just mean "oh, it's been a long week, I'm so exhausted *3 days later* yeah let's go partying!" - it's so much more than that. Just by doing 20 minutes of dancing, severe sufferers (like me) can be in bed for weeks, paralysed by this illness. I know what you're thinking - 'surely you can just sleep and you'll feel better' I wish that was true, but no. No amount of sleep makes sufferers feel any better. It makes you ache as if your limbs are about to fall off; it makes you weak - so weak that you can't even make your own breakfast without fainting; it makes you feel sick; it gives you severe insomnia; some victims get "brain fuzziness" - where you actually can't concentrate to save your life; it takes away your appetite.
I have been in bed for weeks at a time after doing just one day at school. I struggled with my weight because I was unable to dance anymore (that led to more complications later). I struggled to even talk to someone on the phone for 10 minutes without collapsing afterwards. Even typing this now, my arms are aching and my body feels like it's just been hugged by the world's strongest man. 
)Other symptoms are here - http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Chronic-fatigue-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx.

And to make it even worse, half of the people I've met either don't believe that this illness exists, or they purely just don't believe that I have it. They think I'm faking; that I pretend to have this illness just to get off school. And that's what bugs me (and probably the 250,000 other people in England that suffer with it) - no one understanding what it's like. 
Imagine being so tired. So tired that you can't actually stand up without falling back down again. So tired that you can't even manage going to a half-hour dance class on a Monday evening. So exhausted that you can't pick up the TV remote to change the channel. It's not fun... not the good life. 
      I don't get to see my friends on weekends because I'm most of the time too tired. I don't get to see my friends in the week after school without being accused of faking, once again. I used to do 4 dance classes a week when I was younger, and now I barely manage one half-an-hour class - and dancing is everything to me. I sometimes can't play the piano because I'm too tired to lift my arms up. Sometimes I can't go for a 10 minute walk without worrying about having to be in bed for a week.

This is what it's like living with M.E... and I wanted to write this for people to understand what it's like. It's not fake. It's not made up. It's not all in my head. It's debilitating. It's lonely. It's frustrating. There's no cure... no one has thought of one yet. 

One of the images someone got at church today before spreading God's word was someone swimming in Tar - they keep going and going but not getting anywhere. God wanted me to know that one day he'll turn it to water. It made me realise that God will heal me. He has a greater plan for me. Something good will come of this; I don't know what, but it will. And I can't wait. But for now, I just have to keep on swimming.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're not a believer of God, but I hope you do grow to follow Jesus because he is worthy.

Above The Clouds

When you look up at the sky, the clouds look like they go on forever and ever, until you reach space. It looks like there's nothing above them but grey/white sheets of the stuff. 
But it's until you go flying that you think this; because when you fly, the aeroplane travels right above the clouds, and it's not until you take off on a cloudy day and go through them, then suddenly come out in to this beautiful blue sky, that you realise it. 

My dad's a pilot. He flies light aircraft, and I absolutely love going flying with him. However, I hate flying in those big aircraft that take you long distances. I don't know why, I just do. I hate the take off, I hate being in the sky, and I hate the descent. When we flew up to Scotland, I was really scared as we took off, especially because we were in cloud. It took us a few minutes, but after a short time of being immersed in grey moisture, we suddenly popped out of the cloud, and the view had suddenly gone from being miserable and ugly to being breathtaking. The sky was blue and the fluffy clouds were way below us. All you could see for miles was a floor of white cotton-looking stuff, bright blue skies and the blazing sunshine on the right of the plane. It took away all my fears of flying, because I was so distracted by this amazing, un-ending, incredible view that was stretched out in front of me. 

The whole reason I'm describing this to you is because it made me think (as most things do, to be honest). It made me realise that above the clouds, there's always sunshine. When you're going through a hard time, always remember that. I think that's why God put me on that flight on that miserable, cloudy and grim day, and made me so relaxed up there. He put me there so I could realise that although I'll face troubles, and they'll sometimes seem never-ending... there's always an end to the pain and the hurting; because above the clouds, there's always blue skies and sunshine. 

This reminds me of the song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. (If you haven't heard it, I'll post it at the end). It's one of my favourite worship songs, because it gives me faith when I don't have much left; when it's running dry. My favourite part of this song is this-

"I can see a light that is coming, 

for the heart that holds on, 

and there will be an end to these troubles, 

but until that day comes, 

still I will praise you, 

still I will praise you..." 

...And this just reminds me in my darkest hours that God never lets go. He really, really doesn't. There will be an end to these troubles. God knows when that day is, even if I can't see it yet. 

So, what I'm trying to say is, don't lose faith and always remember that above the clouds, there is sunshine. I promise you that. Even when everything seems like it's tumbling down; when things seem like they'll never get better; when everything seems at it's worst; when nothing ever goes right...

You can't have a beautiful rainbow without a little rain.

Until next time, 

Ellie x x x x