Ballet

A while ago, I wrote a blog called "That Place", about how dance takes me to  different world. 

Yeah... I love every type of dance. 
But the dance that will always have my heart is Ballet.

Two years ago, I had to make the decision to stop Ballet, because it was making my M.E. so bad. I was in year eight, just towards the end of April 2011, and I stopped with the thought that I'd be better in a year, which meant that I wouldn't have time to miss it that much. 
      But then a year passed... and another year... and here I am. Tears well up in my eyes whenever I see someone dancing a Ballet piece; I put my Pointe shoes on every day just to remember what it's like to wear them; I think of it all the time. I never knew I could miss something this much. I never expected it to be this way. 

The power of dancing is incredible. You just move to the music, let it take you away, let your feet get tangled in a whirl of movements and relevés and pirouettes; let your heart get lost in the feeling of rising and falling and the heat of the stage lights. It's like, as soon as a piece of music starts, and you make that first movement... life makes sense again. The minute the teacher starts the music and you stand at the barre, doing painful Grande Plies, you forget about the pressures of life for a while and just remember how awesome it feels to be able to dance. To be able to feel your feet move, hear your heart beat, and create something so beautiful for yourself and other people, just by losing yourself in something. 

I sometimes sit on my bed and stare at my Pointe shoes. They hang there, tied together at the ribbons, looking so shiny and beautiful and barely used. I only got to dance in these shoes for a few months before I had to quit, and they're only just broken in.
I keep my first pair of Pointe shoes in a safe place upstairs, because they mean so much to me that I don't want them to fade or get even more worn than they already are. 
     I remember how excited I was, when I went to buy them. The feeling of going up on to my toes for the first time - something I'd been dreaming of since my first class when I was just four years old - and then going to my first class and dancing En Pointe for the first time. My first real dream had come true... and I'll never forget that feeling. Never. I wore those Pointe Shoes to death.
Back then, I was insecure and hated school and always felt tired (when my M.E. was developing). But when I danced - when I went up En Pointe - I forgot about it all. Everything faded away.

Nowadays, things are different. 

I can barely manage half an hour of dancing a week, and that's Modern dancing, which is a bit less physically taxing than Ballet (for me, anyway). I have to rest all afternoon before hand, and then rest all evening afterwards, but it's always worth it. 
      I'm so blessed that I'm only just able to manage this half hour, but I wish more than anything that I could do Ballet again. I miss it so much. It was my escape, my happiness, my life. And I never realised at the time how much it meant to me... but now that I do, it's too late.

Prayers would be really appreciated, because I've never missed Ballet so much and I need it more than ever at the moment. I was hoping to be able to do it for twenty minutes every other week this term, but my health isn't looking like I'm going to be able to.

I didn't realise how much Ballet meant to me until I had to stop. 

If you have something that makes you happier than anything, make the most of it. Embrace it, love it, enjoy it and do it as much as you can! 

Until next time, 
Ellie xxxx

Courage in Faith

I want to talk about how amazing God is and how I've come to find him. It's really hard to do, sometimes, especially as a young girl in this society, but I am not afraid of my faith and admitting who I am and what I believe in.

There's a singer I love called Britt Nicole, and I've featured her songs in a lot of my blogs. Britt Nicole's music has really helped me to find my faith and keep it strong no matter what I've been going through, and I think she is so inspiring and her songs are just uplifting and amazing. 
      The first song I ever heard of hers was "All This Time". I think I cried when I first heard it, because it reminded me that God is always there. Jesus promised us that He would be there no matter what; He sees our tears, sees our hurting and He pulls us out, He helps us rise above. I just think it's pretty awesome that, no matter what we look like, no matter what we do, no matter what we're going through, God will always be there to love us and keep us safe from harm. 

I've been having an image in my head of a stormy ocean - dark clouds, heavy rain, thunder, lightning and crazy waves - and I'm in the middle of this storm.  But instead of being thrown around and taken under by the waves, there's a buoy in the middle of the sea, and a white light shining just over this. And there I am, holding on to this buoy; even though I can feel the storm raging on and I know it's happening and it's still affecting me, I'm holding on. I'm holding on, and I'm slightly above the storm because I'm strong as long as I'm in God's arms and trust in His love. 

Like in Britt Nicole's song "Have Your Way", which I wrote a blog about a while ago, God never promised the road would be easy and he never promised life wouldn't be hard. But, he did promise that he'd never leave, and that He'd take care of us, no matter what. Isn't that awesome? 

I've spent a lot of time asking why. Like, "Why me, God?" or "Why aren't I better yet?" "why can't you tell me what's going to happen?". And I know that each and every one of you reading this will have done that at some point, because we're all human and we all have our doubts. It's just a part of growing as a person, in faith and in life. It's okay. I feel like sometimes we're so hard on ourselves for having doubts or for questioning God's will, when actually we're the only ones who need to forgive. God has already forgiven us for that, and he loves us all the same. 

Now, instead of asking "why?" I just remind myself to believe no matter what. To keep holding on to my faith and the knowledge that God has a plan for us in life. For each and every one of us, I believe that we're all made with a purpose. You have a purpose - yes, you - even if you can't see it yet. We all have stories, we all have pain and we all have those moments where we can't see a way out. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I believe that that light is God. God's light never burns out, no matter what. 

So, today, if you're feeling down or doubting your faith, or doubting anything... keep going. Keep holding on. Keep believing in God's word and God's love. 
You'll get there!

I also encourage you to listen to Britt Nicole's music. There's at least one song of her's for everyone, and if you're having a bad day, listen and see if it inspires you. It inspires me every single day to keep going and keep believing. 
Another song I really love is "The Well" by Casting Crowns (oh, and other Casting Crown songs!). It reminds me that God doesn't care about my bad thoughts, my doubts, my worries. He sees the bigger picture, and he heals my wounds, my problems. It reminds me that he forgives my sins, and all he asks of me is to trust in him and believe in him, and I will thirst no more.

Never give up! 

"You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me." 

"You can walk on the water too."

"No I won't turn and run, this battle will be won."

 "You never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me." 

"Rest in my arms a while, and you'll feel the change my child." 

Autumn...

So it's already the middle of September. How did that happen!? It seems like two minutes ago I was in Scotland back in February when I first started my blog. That was seven months ago... that's crazy. 

This year, I really have been on a crazy journey. Although sometimes it feels like I haven't moved forward at all, I actually have. Maybe not in terms of my M.E., but in myself I have moved on quite a bit. 

I love Autumn. I love the leaves turning from shades of green to shades of reds, oranges, yellows and golds. There's nothing more satisfying than going on a long walk, wrapped in coats scarves and gloves, standing on golden leaves that crunch under your feet. I remember when I was in primary school, mum and I would drive through the back lanes every morning and when it came to autumn, the trees surrounding us would look so gorgeous that we just wished we could stop and stay there all day to take in the beauty.

I love a lot of things about Autumn. My favourite month of the year is October, because it's when we're really in the depths of Autumn and the leaves are all reds and oranges, conkers are everywhere and so are pine cones. I just love the feeling of the air in Autumn... I've always loved it ever since I was little!
      I look forward to dark mornings and darker evenings, where you can sit by the fire in warm pyjamas watching favourite movies and clutching mugs of hot chocolate. I love how the mornings turn colder so you can see your breath, and the grass is dewy when you leave for school or work. 

At primary school, we sang a song called "Autumn days" in assembly in Autumn, and it was always my favourite song because it just said everything we all love about Autumn! I know, I know - I was a strange child, but who doesn't love Autumn?

What are your plans for Autumn? 

Love, Ellie
xxx

Never Alone

The other day, I was sat watching a TV show where every one seemed so much younger than they are now. I looked at when it came out, and it said 2010.
      Can you believe 2010 was three years ago!? I really can't. I said to my mum today that four years ago today I started secondary school.

Back then, I had no idea how fast time was going to go and I had no idea of the things I'd have to face in the years to come. I remember, so clearly, waking up and feeling nervous but also so excited. I put on my uniform, pulled my hair right back and mum and dad took pictures of me because it was my first day. I'd packed my bag the night before and everything was ready. I remember it was picture day - yes, on my very first day! - and it was so embarrassing posing for photos around all these mysterious people that I'd never met before.

I have written quite a few blog posts on looking back on the past, talking about how much things have changed. But right now, I want to talk about the future (which, now that I think about it, I blog quite a lot about, too...).

In three days, I'm going in to my last year of secondary school. Year 11.
      I was out for coffee with my mum and some friends last week, and they asked me what year I was going in to. I'd never said it out loud before, and when I said "year 11", it really hit me that... yeah, this is my last year. Year 11. I never thought I'd be here so soon... and I definitely didn't imagine it being this way!
      I then realised that my future is fast approaching. I only have 9 months left of school before my next summer holidays - and then what do I do? Normal teenagers ("normal" being people without illnesses such as M.E.) can plan ahead, look in to colleges, think about taking A-levels, etc. Yes, I know that even if you're not ill you still can't plan exactly for the future. But I have no idea what my health will be like this time next year. Absolutely no idea whatsoever.
      I could get even worse (I'm praying SO hard for this not to happen), I could get 100% better, or I could just stay the same. The ideal situation would be that I will be recovered by then, so I can go on and do whatever I want to. 

The thought of this upcoming year terrifies me. To be honest, I think it terrifies everybody. There's always the thought of "will I pass?" "will I get the right grades?" "what do I want to do?" etc, etc. But then I realised that I walk by faith now. I trust God in everything I do, and I know that He will guide me down the right path. If I don't get the right grade? - it must be part of God's plan. If I don't get better? - yes, it's frustrating; but still a part of God's plan. 

"You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me

So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way"

I'll stop searching for the answers; I'll let God lead me to them. 

I'll stop praying for an escape; I'll march through life with God by my side, through anything and everything. 

I'll trust God with where I am, even if I hate where I am and feel like there won't be an end. 

I'll believe that God will have his way... and his way will be awesome. 

So yeah, this year is terrifying me. A lot. 

      But then I realised that nothing can be that scary as long as I walk by faith. 

      He promised us that he'd never leave us alone, not that life would be easy. At first, that made me feel kind of frustrated and annoyed - understandably, really. Because, occasionally, we all wish that life would be easy sometimes. But even when life gets so hard, and I know it will in this upcoming school year, I won't be afraid. 

I'll trust You, God, with where I am...

God, just have your way.

Who You Say You Are...

I'm currently sat in my room, on a beautiful evening with my window open because it's really warm in here. I'm looking straight ahead at my bare wall which has just been stripped of a fitted wardrobe, so it's messy, tatty and full of lots of little holes where the nails have been. So many memories have been crammed in to this room as I've lived in this room for 14 years of my life (one year was spent in a different room). 

We have just got back from a two week holiday to Cornwall, and I'm very tired. In fact, "tired" doesn't even begin to describe it. I'm exhausted. Exhausted to the point of barely being able to type and just wanting to sleep, but not being able to because of my illness. I realise that many people face illnesses like this, and it's horrible. But I don't want to focus on the negatives; I want to focus on the positives in everything, because I feel like that's what my blog is all about. That's what my blog should be about, because I'm on my journey to finding myself and being positive about as much as possible.

I believe that there is a positive in every situation. Sometimes, it's really hard to see it. Really hard. And believe me, I know all about that. But I feel like, as the girl I am now, I've learned - I'm learning - to see something positive in every negative. All of the horrible stuff that we, as a family, have been through over the past few years has been really, really tough, but I feel it's also made us stronger; closer, even. When bad things happen, families have to stick together. It's tough, but that's what we've had to learn to do, and we're coming out stronger for it. 
      It's like that old saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", isn't it? It really is true. 
      I believe that, if I hadn't got M.E. as an 11 year old girl, I woudn't be the optimistic, mature girl I am today. I wouldn't have learned to appreciate things in life - like the beautiful view I have from my living room window, or the amazing house I have. You see, because I'm housebound a lot of the time, I've had to learn to appreciate these things. If I can't get out to the beach because I'm having a bad day, I can look out of my window and see this gorgeous view of the sea and appreciate it, because sometimes that's as close as I'll get. When I was little and full of energy, that view was there all the time - it was mundane. But now I appreciate it and I thank God for that view every day because, without it, I would have one less thing to be in awe of.

I always think of the saying, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it". Sometimes, in the darkest days, it's really hard to believe that. But, deep down, under all my doubts... I really do believe that Jesus is who he says he is. I believe you now, God.

I see it all now.
I don't know how.
But there's never been a time that You let me down.
Or walked away, so I'm not afraid.

'Cause I know You are Who You Say You Are.
Who You Say You Are.
You are the One still standin' when everything is fallin' apart.
Yeah, You got my heart.
I'll still be smilin' when the sky is dark.
'Cause I believe that You are Who You Say You Are.

Life's gonna knock me down.
It's not gonna keep me down.
I'm gonna trust You now, in every season.
I know You're here.
I know You're for me.
I know that joy comes in the morning.
God, I believe it now.
God, I believe You now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubMbeFpqzXI

This song really does say it all. 

Looking Back

On Saturday I performed at my Primary School's Country Fair. It was 25 degree heat and full of so much action. I met my best friend, Beth, who was with some of her friends from school and also one of our friends from primary school. It was always Beth, our other friend Carly and I at primary school. We were Triple-Trouble. 

It was the first time I'd been to that school in three years. 

As I was stood there, about to perform, it took me back to year 6 when I performed in the summer Fayre talent show back in 2009. 2009! I can't believe that's how long ago it was. I remember exactly how I was feeling that day because it was like a week before our last day, and the day after our last day we were headed off to Texas for two weeks. I was excited, nervous and sad all at the same time. 
      I wasn't nervous at all for performing back then, because these people at the school were my family and had seen me perform since I was tiny. But this time, I was so nervous, and I didn't realise why until I came home that day. I realised it was because so much had changed since I'd been there, and it all felt so different and almost unsettling to be there performing in front of people I only just recognised and barely knew anymore. 
      Even though I was nervous, as soon as I started singing I started getting comfortable. I spotted my God sister, Alice and her mum and dad sat there with huge smiles on their faces watching me. Then I noticed my friend and her friends watching me like they cared and then there was my mum and dad who just had that same "we love you" look on their faces they always do when I perform. I started settling in again, and it felt like I was back home. 
It was actually very emotional to be back there, performing, because everything had changed since the last time I sang there 4 whole years ago. It was all a whirlwind, but so nice to be back home where everything began and I started finding who I was.

Halfway through performing, 3 boys walked in, and I had to do a double take (which must have looked funny as I was singing!). It took me a few moments to realise who it was - three boys me and my two best friends used to be in a little "crew" with back in the year 6 days. They were so grown up, so tall and so different, but when we hung out together for a while afterwards I learned that they're still the same nice, crazy guys I knew back when I was 11. 

Looking back, I realise I was so different and so was everything at that school. But even though things have changed drastically, and we're all living our separate lives, I know that whenever we come back together or go back to the place we grew up, things just pick up where they left off. 
      I was talking to my God sister today and I was saying to her how my primary school years were the best years of my life so far. Its nice to know that I'll always have those memories to think back on to pick me up when I'm down. It's also nice to know that the people there, and the people who were there with me, will always be there to support me and welcome me back as if nothing changed.

Things

I think we all have little things that make us happy. Whether it be in the garden, out on your favourite walk, in your house or somewhere you go on holiday. 
      I haven't written a blog in what seems like forever and I decided to write one about the little things that make our days better and brighter. Do you have an item in your house, or even a room, that you could just look at forever? - Something that fills you with a warmth and joy every time you see it? I know I do, and most of these things lie at home. 

Home is my place of comfort and warmth. It's the place where, all my life, I've looked forward to going back to after a long day at school or on a rainy, cold school trip. I remember when I was little, I hated school trips because it always seemed to rain on the trips that were outdoors, and was sunny when we had an indoor trip (that's just the way England works though, isn't it?). I can remember a specific trip we went on that was an outdoor adventure type thing. We had to do archery, bike riding, orienteering and an outdoor puzzle solving thing. From the minute I got on that little mini bus that morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day; the bus had ripped fabric all along the edges of the ceiling and the seats were revealing almost all of the yellow foam inside. It smelt of a mixture of tuna sandwiches and sick - my two worst things. 

I recall it being damp, dark and dingy at our "base" where we ate lunch and left our bags. It was raining, and we'd been told to take lots of different changes of clothes: waterproofs, cool clothes, more waterproofs, trainers, sandals - you know, the usuals. It was a freezing, damp, horrible day that ended with swimming in a cold pool with freezing, damp "changing rooms" which were really just four brick walls with a hook on one of them, and they called it a changing room. The lucky boys didn't need a changing room, because back then it seemed that girls where the ones who always got evicted when needing to change in private. 

Anyway, the point of this is that the whole day when I was there, feeling completely lonely and miserable, I couldn't wait to go home. I can vividly remember, that when I was doing all the horrid activities, I knew my mum would be waiting at home for me with a run bath, gorgeous smelling shampoo, a yummy dinner and some fresh homemade cakes. Mum was always prepared for everything (she still is), and always seemed to know how I'd be feeling when I got home from something, especially a school trip on a rainy day in a damp swamp. 
      As I'd expected, she was waiting at home with exactly the right things ready. She knew I'd be muddy, so I hopped in the shower and then she hastily ran me a nice hot bath before making my favourite meal finished with a delicious desert, no doubt. 

All I used to think on these school trips, and anything I didn't like, in fact, was coming home; the fact that soon, I'd be wrapped up in my duvet watching TV on the sofa with a hot chocolate and some toast with Nutella. 

My favourite things these days are things like these: 

One of my favourite plants in my garden - a pink rose we planted in memory of my Grandma. It brightens my day whenever I see it.

These daisy-like flowers also make my day brighter. Aren't they cute?

Seeing my gorgeous bed every day makes me happy. It's so colourful and flowery that it just reminds me of why I love flowers and pink and anything vintage. I also love my day bed. It's perfect.

 Seeing these shells on my windowsil reminds me of the dreams I used to have of mermaids and dolphins. I love the ocean, and it always makes me think of how one day I'll travel and see the incredible beaches that God has created.

My lanterns also make me smile. They were a spontaneous buy on a trip to a local quirky town near me and I just love looking at them every day. 

So what are your things that make your life just that little bit brighter? I know we all have them. 

Until next time, 

Ellie xxxx